What are your best/worst similes/metaphors?

Inspired by this thread:

What are your best/worst or just plain funniest similes/metaphors? Here are some of mine:

[li]That smells worse than a three-day’s unflushed toilet.[/li][li]They avoid each other like two south-ended magnets.[/li][li]That makes as much sense as dehydrated water.[/li][li]As useful as a styofoam hammer.[/li][li]More nervous than a triskadekaphobiac on Friday the 13th.[/li][li]They’re selling like bottles of Kaopectate during a diarrhea epidemic.[/li][li]Colder than Frosty the snowman’s nutsack.[/li][/ul]

As useful as teats on a boar.
Colder than a witch’s tit.
Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

He has more issues than a New York City newstand. :stuck_out_tongue:

It’s been said of Elvis, Sinatra and probably 98% of rock stars:

“He gets more ass than a toilet set.”

That one may be my own favorite, but this batch that many of us probably got in email some time ago has some doozies:


  1. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

  2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

  3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

  4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

  5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

  6. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

  7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

  8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

  9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

  10. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

  11. John and Melinda had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

  12. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

  13. Even in his last years Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

  14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

  15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

  16. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

  17. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

  18. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

  19. It hurt the way your tongue hurts when you accidently staple it to a wall.

  20. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

From National Lampoon many years ago in reference to Nelson Rockefeller, a fellow with a rough, gravelly voice:

•He had a voice like a band saw going through a duck.

Still cracks me up.

One I heard in a movie: “She’s got an ass like a ten year old boy.”

Mixing paint is like getting plastered at a singles bar–even if the ultimate outcome is wonderful, you’ve got no idea how you got there.

Uglier than homemade soap. Usually used in reference to Eleanor Roosevelt, which I did recently in another thread.

“As much use as a chocolate teapot.”

“Ma heid doesnae button up the back!” (meaning “I’m not stupid”)

see next post.

I saw this first in the Washington Post Style Invitational column:

“The door had been forced, as forced as the conversation during the contestants chat with Alex Trebek portion of ‘Jeopardy.’”

It was so hot the humidity rose from the grass and felt me up like a pervert in a men’s room.

Her breasts bulged from the top of her bra like a couple of baby pigs squeezed into a lace-lined burlap bag.

(After a road march back from firing ranges in basic training) I was so tired my ass was bruised from banging against my heels.

He was happier than a sex fiend in a whorehouse with a credit card.

When she walks away, her ass looks like two tomcats fightin’ in a gunny sack.

(said of a very friendly girl back in high school) She drinks like a fish, eats like a sparrow and fucks like a ferret.

Sorta OT - How many posters/readers of this thread are waiting with baited breath for the results of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest to be announced?

Can’t wait – now that I know when it will be. Thanks for the heads-up.

Bated breath, or did you mean their breath smells as ripe as a big-mouth bass chomping on a wriggling worm?

From Will & Grace:
About as dumb as a box of hair.

One I made up describing Zakk Wylde/BLS:
Sounds like a bag of wrenches.

S’all I got for now.

Well, I guess my post did have an entry for the worst simile/metaphor, after all.

Wow, ya really can learn something new every day. :wink:
ETA: I’d always thought it was something from Chaucer, or such, and you were fishing for a chance to breath again, or something.

Nothing quite like Lou Reed: “Life’s like a mayonnaise soda.”

That’s from True Lies.

I like this one from The Cowboy Way:
“You’re face looks like a hat full of assholes.”

I’ve always liked the reference to Vogon Constructor Fleets “Hanging in the air in exactly the same way that bricks don’t”, from The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. :smiley: