I’m not sure colloquialism is the correct name for these figures of speech … hotter than the 4th or July … or … cute as a speckled pup … but that’s what I am looking for here.
BTW, one of my favorites: Lower than whale shit.
My girlfriend is fond of “Jesus Christ on toast” or “Jesus Christ on a toasted bagel!” I think she made it up herself, though.
“Well, it’s better than a slap in the face with a wet lettuce”
Drunker than three Indians.
Higher than a goat.
Scared the be-Jesus out of me.
Drunk as a soup sandwich.
Higher than a Jehovah’s Witness.
Dumb as a can of paint.
Crazier than a pet coon.
Ugly as a mud fence.
Lower than a snake’s belly in a wheel rut.
Nervous as a whore in church.
Happier than a pig smelling shit.
Whiter than an albino polar bear.
He/She’s not the shapest pencil in the box.
A couple of glorious Dublin phrases that indicate how attractive one thinks a lady is:
“I’d eat chips out of her knickers.”
And courtesy of micilin:
“I’d run barefoot through seven fields of broken glass just to slide in her shite.”
One I had heard most of my life, but which took on added hilarity when my 90-year-old mother used it to describe her condition:
Shaking like a dog shitting peach seeds
Fucked up as a football bat
Fine as fish fur
Ugly as a rabbit eating lettuce through a chicken-wire fence
Slicker than snot.
(as uncontrollable as) a hog on ice
(faster than) Grapenuts going through a goose
“Bangs like a dunny-door in the wind”.
Meaning: my new girlfriend is sexually adventurous and somewhat insatiable.
“You don’t know you’re born!” Because it doesn’t make any sense! I mean, how can you NOT know?
Crazier than a shithouse rat.
Finer’N’Frog hair.
If someone is wearing too much cologne, they “smell like a whore’s handbag”.
Meanwhile, our computer network is “up and down like a whore’s knickers”.
I heard this one used as a toast …
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, pussy ain’t pizza so don’t eat the crust.
A case of the red-ass (for being mad)
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
I’ve recently started saying “Christ on a corn cob!”
Some others I often use:
“He’s as bright as a burned out light bulb.”
“He’s as sharp as a bowling ball.”
“His hard drive has a few bad sectors.”
“It’s selling like Kaopectate during a diarrhea epidemic.”
“That’s like pushing a rope uphill.”
“He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.”
“He has all the enthusiasm of a wet mop.”
“It’s like trying to light a match underwater.”
Some favorite Forhorn Leghorn-isms:
“about as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal.”
“that boy’s as strong as an ox, and just about as smart.”
“busier than a centipede at a toe-counting contest.”
FL also once said something about a sack of wet mice, but I can’t remember what the rest of it was.
As nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Shaking like a cat shitting razor blades.
about as funny as a rhino hitting you in the face with bags of glass
an ass like two balloons filled with wet cement
a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp
Caught between a sweat and a shit.
An ass like a sack full of door nobs.
Hit the shitter on a dead run.
Comes off faster than the prom queen’s dress.
If you shake it more than twice you’re playing with it.
Your breath’s so bad it could knock a buzzard off a manure spreader.
You work like old people f*ck.
Slicker than snail snot.
Older than dust.
Like white on rice.