Favorite Colloquialisms

I’m not sure colloquialism is the correct name for these figures of speech … hotter than the 4th or July … or … cute as a speckled pup … but that’s what I am looking for here.

BTW, one of my favorites: Lower than whale shit.

My girlfriend is fond of “Jesus Christ on toast” or “Jesus Christ on a toasted bagel!” I think she made it up herself, though.

“Well, it’s better than a slap in the face with a wet lettuce”

Drunker than three Indians.
Higher than a goat.
Scared the be-Jesus out of me.
Drunk as a soup sandwich.
Higher than a Jehovah’s Witness.
Dumb as a can of paint.
Crazier than a pet coon.
Ugly as a mud fence.
Lower than a snake’s belly in a wheel rut.
Nervous as a whore in church.
Happier than a pig smelling shit.
Whiter than an albino polar bear.
He/She’s not the shapest pencil in the box.

A couple of glorious Dublin phrases that indicate how attractive one thinks a lady is:

“I’d eat chips out of her knickers.”

And courtesy of micilin:

“I’d run barefoot through seven fields of broken glass just to slide in her shite.”

One I had heard most of my life, but which took on added hilarity when my 90-year-old mother used it to describe her condition:

Shaking like a dog shitting peach seeds

Fucked up as a football bat

Fine as fish fur

Ugly as a rabbit eating lettuce through a chicken-wire fence

Slicker than snot.
(as uncontrollable as) a hog on ice
(faster than) Grapenuts going through a goose

“Bangs like a dunny-door in the wind”.

Meaning: my new girlfriend is sexually adventurous and somewhat insatiable.


“You don’t know you’re born!” Because it doesn’t make any sense! I mean, how can you NOT know?

Crazier than a shithouse rat.

Finer’N’Frog hair.

If someone is wearing too much cologne, they “smell like a whore’s handbag”.

Meanwhile, our computer network is “up and down like a whore’s knickers”.

I heard this one used as a toast …
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, pussy ain’t pizza so don’t eat the crust.

A case of the red-ass (for being mad)

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

I’ve recently started saying “Christ on a corn cob!”

Some others I often use:

“He’s as bright as a burned out light bulb.”
“He’s as sharp as a bowling ball.”
“His hard drive has a few bad sectors.”
“It’s selling like Kaopectate during a diarrhea epidemic.”
“That’s like pushing a rope uphill.”
“He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.”
“He has all the enthusiasm of a wet mop.”
“It’s like trying to light a match underwater.”

Some favorite Forhorn Leghorn-isms:

“about as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal.”
“that boy’s as strong as an ox, and just about as smart.”
“busier than a centipede at a toe-counting contest.”

FL also once said something about a sack of wet mice, but I can’t remember what the rest of it was.

As nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Shaking like a cat shitting razor blades.

about as funny as a rhino hitting you in the face with bags of glass

an ass like two balloons filled with wet cement

a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

Caught between a sweat and a shit.

An ass like a sack full of door nobs.

Hit the shitter on a dead run.

Comes off faster than the prom queen’s dress.

If you shake it more than twice you’re playing with it.

Your breath’s so bad it could knock a buzzard off a manure spreader.

You work like old people f*ck.

Slicker than snail snot.

Older than dust.

Like white on rice.