My buddy and I are always coming up with these (yes, often with a sexual or scatological bent):
For Netflix, Nutlix
Blockbuster Video, Ballbuster
Publix grocery stores, Pubix (where shopping is an orgasm).
Taco Bell, Taco Hell (or Taco Smell)
Yes, I’m sick and bored with a long lunch break, so sue me…
Also Toxic Hell.
When Pacific Bell changed their name to SBC, a friend of mine and I were trying to figure out what it stood for. The best I could come up with was “Sucks to Be a Customer” (I had had some not-so-good experiences with Pac Hell), but he came up with a really good one- “Satan’s Bastard Children”.
The realtor who sold us our house called one of the Giant Eagle stores near us “Giant Evil”. So now we call it that, too.
Taco Hell or Taco Smell
Little Sleazers
Pizza Slut
Domin-hoes
Crack Whore Barrel
We’re pretty bad, sorry. There are a lot more, I just can’t think of at the moment, but the funniest (to us) is we call Wal-Mart “the M store.” When my son was little (maybe 2?) and learning his letters, the local Wal-Mart had a McDonald’s inside it. There was the big golden arches logo on the front of the (Wal-Mart) store, and my son would always point and proudly exclaim “M, mommy, M.” He progressed to asking if we were going to “the M store” and so on, and it just stuck. He’s 8 now and gets peeved at us when we say it (he feels like we’re teasing him) but it really has just stuck in our house.
Tar-zhay
Mac’s Supper Club
Jacques Pen-NAY
Wally World (duh)
Here we call it Tar-zhay Boutique. We also have Home Pisspot, K-Mapart, and the Mall-O (or Megamall) of course.
McDonald’s is Micky’s D’s. Or if’n I’m feeling particularly surly, Corporate Death Burger.
Yucky Fried Chicken (Kentucky Fried Chicken)
We seem to concentrate on the grocery items:
Queerios for Cheerios
Cocoa Shitties for Cocoa Crispies
Alpha Shits for Alpha Bits
Yucky Farts for Lucky Charms
Cocoa Poops for Cocoa Puffs
Faggotos for Spaghettios
Penis Butter for Peanut Butter
We also do Pizza Slut and Taco Smell
I’m stealing that.
Kind of a generic one, but one day I decided that neckties are really just large arrows pointing to a man’s genitals. Being a fan of Flannery O’Connor stories, I put two and two together and began referring to every tie as a “manly pointer”. My wife was unamused.
[ul]
[li]Crapital One- I’m sick of getting their shit in my mailbox at least once a week.[/li][li]Gayco car insurance- same reason, plus their incessant advertising on TV.[/li][li]Dead Steer (Red Steer, a long defunct local/regiona fast food chain)[/li][li]Sewers (Spewers), Buttwiper, Flat Tire, Dead Dog, Killer, Dichelob, Coronary (I don’t drink beer, can’t you tell?)[/li][/ul]
Down on Seattle’s waterfront you can visit Pirate’s Plunder, though I don’t recommend it. It’s devolved into a cheesy, made-in-China, tacky tourist joint but back in our day, it was along the lines of a Pier 1 or Cost Plus. As kids, we used to love roaming through it looking for that perfect (inexpensive) item we just had to have. We called the place Pirate’s Plunger.
A local seafood chain, Ivar’s, is said in a piratey voice. Arrrr-varrrrrr’s.
Bavarian cream donuts are barbarian cream.
Eddie Bauer is Eddie Bowser.
About a year and a half ago, the Dead Sea Scrolls came to Seattle. My sister started calling them the Dead Sea Squirrels. A few months ago a comic strip (Mother Goose and Grimm, I believe) stole her idea.
Kentucky fried pigeon
kentucky fried H5N1 (around medical/geek types)
that scottish restaurant (McDonald’s (like MacBeth, never to be said a loud)
Nurses call Haldol “vitamin H” alot… a really urgently required sedative is known as a STAT-ivan
Not a business, but:
We have a Jehovah’s Witness Kingdom Hall just up the street from where we live. One day I tried to make reference to it in a conversation with my husband and couldn’t remember the proper term. I ended up saying:
“You know, that place up the street … the … Temple of Doom. You know what I mean!”
It stuck.
Whole Paycheck for Whole Foods.
Sheets N’ Shit for Linens N’ Things
My parents called it “Giant Beagle” for some odd reason.
Around my area we have:
Little Cesars=Little Sneezers
Taco Bell=Taco Yell
Wal-Mart=WallyWorld
Internet Exploiter
Nutscrape
AOHell
Orlando Slantinel
User Today
Taco Bell = Taco Hell
Pizza Hut = Pizza Slut
Waffle House = Awful Ho (the one on Hillsborough St had some letters burned out a la AFFLE HO _ _)
Wal Mart = Wally World
Target = Tarjzay
Raleigh News and Observer = the News and Disturber
Chik-Fil-A = Chick
I’m sure there are more, but the brain refuses to rotate them to the top of the pile.
Strangely enough, none. Not sure why, but these are businesses that you are free to visit or not. Believe me, they would not be in business if they deserved a degrading moniker.
You think you sound savvy calling Pizza Hut, Pizza Slut?
Burger King = BK Steakhouse. It sounds so much tastier when you say it like that.
Burger King = BK Steakhouse. It sounds so much tastier when you say it like that.
Also, Toys R Us = We B Toys.