“If you’re going to hold every stupid thing I do or say without thinking against me, this friendship will not work.”
“Life is strange.”
“Let’s not use logic here. It will only slow us down.”
“<Pronoun> is not a happy camper.”
“Shiny object!”
I have a few I use, but the one that comes to mind is one I stole from a former coworker, to be used when the kid is whining too much: “Cry me a river, build a bridge, and GET OVER IT.”
Hmm. I had a friend whose conversation was half movie quotes, but I never acquired the habit. I do sometimes say “anger comes from fear, fear comes from pain” a lot; more often, I’ll observe that “90% of everything is crap – and 95% of jazz.”
My favorite is one I don’t use much, but which was ubiquitous in my brother’s optometry class when faced with an unanswered question: “figure it out, learn Swedish, win a prize.”
All too often, “Did you know…?” after coming off a Straight Dope session.
I have been known to interrupt people telling a long boring story with “skip to the end”
I watched Carry on Cleo at an impressionable age and now occasionally imitate Sid James’ “Blimus” instead of “Blimey”
I like saying in a clerksesque voice “bunch of SAVAGES in this town” whenever an opportunity presents itself.
you gotta be dry humping me
BRB and WTF
This sho’ am good.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
'Smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Choncko!
“Boy, are you in the wrong church.” meaning “You are talking to the wrong person.” I don’t know where that comes from.
“Going around the barn,” meaning “taking the long way to solve a problem.” The Old New England saying is actually “going around Robin Hood’s barn,” meaning taking the long way to do something.
“You’re gonna hear about it later,” meaning just what it says.
Oh, I like these!
Whenever the kids ask what’s for dinner, I always answer “poop”. It has nothing to do with my user name and it’s hardly ever true, but if they don’t like what we’re actually having, it’s like breaking it to them gently. After all, even stir fry is better than poop.
When they ask where something is, the automatic answer is, “If it were up your butt, you’d know.” We stole that one from my ex-husband, who had a chronic inability to answer questions.
When someone tells a long, pointless tale, one of us will complete it with, “and then I found a ten-dollar bill!”
Someone says “I smell [anything]”, I answer, “I just farted.”
Anytime a kid asks for help doing something which they are capable of doing themselves, I begin, “Pretend you’re in the desert.”
This originally came up when my daughter asked me to open a jar, and I noticed she hadn’t really tried it first. I said, “Pretend your plane has crashed in the desert. You stagger out of the burning wreck. Oh no! You are the only survivor and you are miles away from civilization. The only food which you are able to find is this jar of olives. If you can’t get to these olives, you will surely die.” Then, to the other child, I said, “Will she live to fight another day? Or perish in the blazing sun? Let’s watch.”
We have a good time with the desert stories, especially when the thing they are trying to do doesn’t quite fit.
“I can’t do my homework because I can’t find a pencil!”
“Pretend you’re in the desert.” (Child: :rolleyes: )
“A strange man rides up on a camel. He is fascinated by the wreckage of your plane, especially a book of crossword puzzles. He offers to trade you his camel. At last! You will be able to get home! Unfortunately, the man has no pencil to work the puzzles with, and begins to ride away. What will you doooooooooo?”
My father in law (and consequently, my husband) always say “Cat shit and brickdust.”
Hey, I say all three now and then! I got in the “Huzzah!” back habit when I was a Civil War reenactor.
Some others I use:
“Lo, and behold!” When I’ve done something that’s not all that impressive.
“Where did you last see it?” When one of my sons says he’s lost something (although I like “Pretend you’re in a desert…” 
).
“Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!” OK, so I don’t ever actually say this, but it’s a good-morning phrase from My Name is Earl that always makes me chuckle.
“Oh, snap!” My 12-year-old is training me to use this more often. :rolleyes:
“I must not have gotten the memo on that.” When I prove myself to be clueless about something everybody else seems to know about.
“Maybe we should use the velcro on the ceiling.” When the elevator is very crowded. Almost always gets a laugh.
This reminds me of a 40-year-old classic from my sorority chapter. Back in the late '60s, way before my time, they were having a rush party and one sister was trying valiantly to talk to a very uncommunicative freshman. Having exhausted all the common topics of what high school she’d gone to, what she planned to major in, the weather, cute shoes, and the price of watermelons in Mexico, she cast desperately into her bag of conversational gambits and asked, **“So, what do you think about Biafra?” **
I don’t know what happened to the freshman, but to this day, now and then you’ll hear one sister ask another what she thinks about Biafra. 
Another one I stole from a boss. I use it a lot.
Whenever a volunteer or conscript is needed for some chore and the qualifications for that person are being asked, the right answer is, “…as long as they can fog a mirror.”
Example:
Subordinate: “Clete, we need some guys to help unload this truck of [whatever]. Do I need to tell the temp service anything special about our needs?”
Clete: “Just as long as they can fog a mirror.”
One from my dad:
Kid: It’s Thursday right? (Or words to that effect)
Dad: All day.
Looks crap written down like that but it used to crack me up when I was a wee lad and I can’t help doing it myself as an adult.
I like this.
What I’ve used for our son who is a babbler extraordinaire, when he gets caught up on the finer (and not important ) details of some story he is telling, " Then space ship landed…'
Which means, you are too into detail about the color/names/lights/ooooh shiny and not focusing on the DETAILS. Who/What/Where/Why and most important A F’ing POINT!
When Mr. Ujest gets a talking and he has to give every DETAIL ( Name/their friends/their job/the people they work with/those peoples best friends dogwalker’s cousin/etc) I say, " First, the Earth cooled…" and I get a dirty look before he sallies forth anyways.
One that I’ve stolen from Euro trip whenever I realize I’m in a situation that I don’t want to be in, This isn’t where I parked my car.
In those situations I’ll sometimes say, “Just cut to the chase,” which is a Hollywood phrase but which I first heard in law school.
Sometimes when someone says, “Well, to make a long story short…,” I’ll butt in and say, “Too late!”
I like to use a line from Blazing Saddles a lot- “Now who can argue with THAT?!?” Most people get it, some don’t.
In her book “Ordeal” Linda Lovelace describes how Chuck Traynor had set her up in a donkey show in Juarez, Mexico. While they are driving there, their car gets rear ended and they don’t get there. She thanks God from saving her from “fucking donkeys in Juarez.”
Whenever I’m doing something I really don’t want to do, I always think “Well, at least I’m not fucking donkeys in Juarez.”
I tend to be very good at spotting problems with other people’s projects-just little things they didn’t think of. So, when I come up to someone’s work table and tell them “Oh that’ll never work!” it means that everything is fine with it.