Some days are diamonds, some days are stones……… today is a kidney stone.
Ignorance may be bliss but apathy is an entirely workable substitute.
Someone asked me if we managed once again to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. I told them that we had actually snatched victory from somewhere in the large intestines of defeat. It was slow, bloody, nasty work, and the victory, once we had retrieved it wasn’t particularly sweet.
When I’m in a meeting that is turning into a shout fest “What this meeting needs is less testosterone (or adrenaline depending on the sex of the participants), and more Prozac”.
Nothing is ever fool proof. Fools are just too ingenious.
These guys remind me of Larry and Curly when they didn’t have Moe to keep them straight.
Just as happy as if he had good sense.
Who pissed in your corn flakes?
When asked if we can do something.
Sure we can do that. With enough time and money we can do anything. With enough time and money I can launch a space shuttle in the parking lot. If you’re asking if we can do it NOW without spending any money then not so much.
Alternate, after people have heard the time and money line enough times. “Sure we can do it, but that’s not what you’re asking”
Occasionally something bad happens I say “Oh that’s unfortunate” or “OH that’s MOST unfortunate” This is especially good when it’s something really bad. Crane tongs broke and dropped something “Oh that’s MOST unfortunate”
Since I just used it in a post: “I mean, really…” Used as a point of emphasis by my supervisor, at least once per conversation. Then I started using it too.
For a long time everything even slightly suspicious was “dodgy” for me, so much so that my friends in Toronto started calling me “Mr. Dodgy.”
I will almost always answer the various questions “How are you?”/“How’s it going?”/“How ya doin’?” with “So far, so good” unless I’m being asked by someone I really care about.
In the years I’ve noticed this about myself, exactly one person I’ve said it to has actually mentioned the joke that line refers to.
Whenever I see someone struggling with some kind of mundane task -
"You know, the trick is to be smarter than the [insert name of inanimate object associated with task]. This is, however, not effective when someone is having computer problems.
And one I stole from George Carlin in reply to “Have a good one.”
“I have a good one. Now what I need is a longer one.”
Tangential comment: My boss was all in favor of acronyms, the less meaningful the better, so he was always signing off conversations with HAGO. To which the standard reply was STY.
Was that perhaps David Ledbetter Golf? That game had a few good ones. It also used to say “Sublime!” this was before the band of that name, so it was also a good one.
I really have to struggle to keep from offering advice that wasn’t asked for. So, you’ll find me saying, “I’m sure you’ll think of something,” or “That’s an interesting situation.”
When somebody tells me about an annoying person annoying him, and he wants me to share his outrage, I calmly say, “Well, that was rude.”
When I’m asked, “What’s happening?,” I usually say, “Everything!”
A classic from my mom, who has a longstanding reputation as a cranky old bag who does not suffer fools or picky eaters gladly: when faced with “But I don’t like (eggplant, yams, whatever, fill in the blank)!” at the dinner table, I offhandedly reply “More for the good kids.”
In other words, tough crapola. Go hungry.
Mummie Dearest is also the donor of some good quickie initialisms for email:
NMP: Not My Problem.
AWTEWLI: All’s Well That Ends Well, Laura Ingalls
I’m not much of an outdoorsy gal - my idea of camping is along the lines of a Motel 6 with no internet connection. So, when some woodsy type is regaling me with their fascinating tales of flaking toenails from hiking and bruised crotches from cycling, windburn and insect bites, I announce my motto: “Nature! Makes a great screensaver.”
Of course any of the snotty David Spade/Chris farley lines from Tommy Boy are always useful and fun, especially since one of the profs in my dept is named Richard. As in “Shut up, Richard.” and “Richard, what’s happening to us!!??”
One I repeated incessantly to my young niece - “Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.” i.e. yes, take your damn jacket.
“I’ll get through this. I never think I’m going to and I always do.”
When I’m explaining something that a coworker (especially a higher-paid one) should already know:
“It’s been my experience . . .”
When I haven’t had my morning coffee yet and am asked a question:
“I wanna say . . .”
When I’m asked whether an impossible task can be completed within a ridculous timeframe:
“What are our assets?” (a la “The Princess Bride”)
And whenever anything remotely Australian is mentioned:
“Maybe the DINGO ate your Baby!” (Said way too loudly, in a faked Australian accent and with campy serendipitous enthusiasm. This one has gotten me in trouble once or twice. . .)
When anyone is trying to put me in the middle of something:
“It’s clear that someone here has a real problem. The only thing I’m sure of; it isn’t me.”
