“Wasn’t me, I didn’t do it, I wasn’t even there and anyway I didn’t do it on purpose.”, said whenever someone calls my name.
“… and ?” (or any pithy equivalent involving long, pregnant pauses and pointed stares)
“Donc ça, c’est fait…” (lit. “So, that’s done then”, in the sense of crossing an item off a list of things to do), usually when I’ve just done something clumsy, put my foot in my mouth or killed a buzz.
“But why would you do that ? That’s just dumb.”, when someone mentions an accident, e.g. in response to “Ow, I just bit my tongue”.
A friend of mine once decided that “IGA” (a chain of convenience stores in the Midwest) stood not for “Independence Grocers Association,” but “Ignorant Goofy Assholes.”
Somehow I started using “Oh noes!” in a wry and hyperbolic manner, and it’s gotten to the point where people around me no longer think I’m talking about the facial feature.
Other quirks include using “unfortunate” to modify nouns other than people or situations (e.g., “the guy in the really unfortunate sweater”) and “Well, if by _____ you mean _____” when people don’t know what they’re talking about.
As in, “oh, we’ll work it out” or “I can work it out.”
I say it almost as one word, emphasis on “work.” This is in response to any sort of problem, issue, confusion, or someone simply giving me a list of things to do or figure out. It’s meant to be a reassuring phrase, more along the lines of “I’ll deal with it” than anything else. I have no idea where it came from.
I also say “no worries” and, not yet mentioned, “Lame!” and “Bogus!”
OMG some of these are priceless! ‘fucking donkeys in Juarez’ writes that down
I’ve been known to answer the phone ‘ahoyhoy’ Oh, and ask ‘is Dave there?’ when I answer the phone as well.
I like to use ‘… because you touch yourself at night’ to answer a question and ‘that’s what SHE said’ at random. I really do try to use them sparingly, to keep the comedic effect, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.
I can’t say I’ve ever used that phrase or heard it used. It may be a regional thing.
When someone says, “Can I ask you a question?”, I often respond, “You just did!” One of my teachers, who was even more pedantic and liked to highlight the difference between “can” and “may,” would reply, “I don’t know - can you?”
Somewhere on these boards, someone used the phrase “Nuttier than squirrel shit.” I’m appropriating it. FTR, it has caused peals of laughter twice now…and I’ve only used it twice.
According to my friends and coworkers, it seems that I have been using “Living the Dream” a little excessively. I am also fond of “I will take it any way I can get it” when told to “Take it easy” when parting company with someone.
For me, it would probably be “Something like that…” and “…because that would make too much sense.”
The latter is usually in reference to something idiotic a customer is doing, or to something from the lovely folks in Redmond. Especially when it has to do with Vista.
“What’s new and exciting?”, as a conversation opener, is my biggest one. A few others include:
*“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” (from Steven Wright)
*“Well, someone’s having a worse day than me” (when I see a police car/ambulance/other commotion)
*“Well, I guess some queen’s on a schedule!” (when someone does something assholistic on the road).
*"…if not, not."
Usually after complaining about the ineptness of a superior/coworker: “Did I say that out loud?”
Every year around Xmastime, when somebody mentions God/Christ, I always interrupt and say "Come on, it’s Xmas - Do we need to bring God into this?
Stolen from Douglas Adams - When somebody says ‘I have a question’, I say ‘42’.
I don’t remember where I picked this one up, but when somebody asks me a favor that I absolutely am not going to do, I say ‘go piss up a rope.’
True Story: I didn’t expect my boss to return to the office this day. When the plumber called from Bossman’s new property and needed info from an email sent to him before the county inspector showed up, I hopped on Bossman’s computer and was going through his email to relay data to the plumber. (I made Bossman write down his access ID/PWs for all accounts since I have to run his financials for work)
Bossman shows up and asks me what I was doing. I replied ‘nothing - just ruining your credit.’ Then I told him what was happening. The plumber was on speakerphone and he had a good laugh about it.
I thought it was funny. I laughed.
Bossman didn’t laugh. He never laughs.
Later that afternoon I was let go. :eek:Before anybody calls the ACLU, I am saying this was coincidence - We had lotsa layoffs all month long.
When someone asks a rhetorical question along the lines of, “why doesn’t this (software) work?” after we’ve been working for some time and are running out of ideas, I’ll just sum it up: “Because we’re sinners and God hates us.”
When someone asks me if I’m kidding, I usually turn and look quizzically at them and say, “No … I’m Groo.”
I’ve used Carlin’s “now I want a bigger one” on occasions, but you really have to pick your moment with that one.
These all purpose lines about dangerous things (from Ghostbusters) are slightly funnier in my environment, where we sit a few feet from humongous power supplies and radar antennas transmitting as much power as big radio stations:
[ul][li]“Are you saying we should cross the streams?”[/li][li]“Imagine every atom in the universe, exploding at the speed of light …”[/li][/ul]
And then there’s my usual non-sequitir from Arthur: “You must have hated that moose.”
I use “Yeeha, Bubba” quite a lot because it can have so many different meanings depending on which syllables are emphasized and where the pauses are placed.
Also “slicker than deer guts on a doorknob” and “cool beans” to express satisfaction with a job done well.
And I was oh so proud when my daughter used one of my wife’s favorites: When asked where did ____ come from, the pat answer is “Well, the Mommy ____ and the Daddy ____ loved each other v-e-r-r-r-y much …”
I’m very tempted to use that, but although the comedic reward is staggering, the risk scares the hell out of me. Even if we had watched the movie earlier in the day, I’d hesitate.
Count me as another “No worries,” person, especially when I or others are boned.
I use a variation on because God hates you that I picked up from Aqua Teen- “Probably something you did to anger God.”
“Kids these days…” is often muttered, regardless of the age of the idiot/s in question. (I’m a college guy, so I know how much you all must be giggling!) I managed to get a girlfriend to pick it up and she would say it when babysitting her niece and nephew. The boy grew frustrated when his sister wouldn’t share her toys, so now there’s a five year old saying, “Kids these days…” to his classmates in kindergarten.
The defining phrase, however comes from my English/Brit Lit teacher in high school. Mr. Hamilton was a big, boisterous kind of guy prone to speaking his mind. He’d been there for years and was one of the best and most popular teachers. He enjoyed telling stories from his younger days, and the class would often provoke him into an amusing anecdote on days they didn’t want to discuss Dickens. After the story, he’d naturally lose track of what he was talking about 10m earlier. Nearly every time he would mutter, “Hell’s belles! What were we talking about?”
“Hell’s belle’s!” is now my default phrase for expressing confusion and frustration. 'Tis a thing of beauty.
