Every time I pick something up I say “Yoink!” It’s getting to be annoying but I can’t seem to stop.
“Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick!” – good in situations with a certain bizarre, surreal quality that beggars belief. And the saying itself is amusing not just for its imagery but for the disconnect between the literalist, pedantic “Jesus H. Christ” (what is the “H.” for, anyway? Hymie? – but that’s another joke) and the profane, silly pogo stick bit. A perhaps more popular version of the line is “Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick,” but I eschew this as a clearly inferior image. When one is on a pogo stick, one is not “jumping,” but “pogo-ing,” as any twelve-year-old kid can attest. So the phrasing is redundant, syntactically awkward ('twould be marginally better as “Jesus jumping…”), and lacking in the sublime silliness of the full name.
“At last, Dr. Phibes, we meet again” – I use this in rare instances, with people who know me well. It’s from one of the two “Dr. Phibes” horror flicks with Vincent Price, who I love, but I don’t know which one. (The correct answer to the question, “Lugosi or Karloff?” is “Vincent Price”.) Perhaps first used as a catchphrase in a “Far Side” panels; in any event, that’s where I picked it up as a weird catchphrase.
“Vee haff vays to make you talk” – again, only appropriate among intimates, and in certain rather unusual contexts. I don’t have the slightest idea where this one came from (presumably a WWII flick or Hogan’s Heroes or something), only that I had a very charming boyfriend in high school who could make me giggle whenever he said it.
A guy at work was always dropping this one in on occasions that didn’t call for anything remotely related. He also had “Vere are your papers?” in the best Otto Preminger imitation possible.
Somehow this made me remember those Friday night Teen Special showings at the main theater downtown where the feature would be the latest teen movie of dubious quality. One kid would always scream out from the darkened theater such things as:
“Take me out, Coach. I’m bleeding!”
“Never mind the mules, just load the wagon.”
The entire theater would then start screaming nonsense for a few minutes before returning to the feature.
Well, I would hardly classify mine as bizarre-o (sp?) or even slightly off-kilter, but it is:
Yumpin’ Yiminy!
For some long forgotten reason, I’ve uttered the phrase, Yumpin’ Yiminy (articulated in a Daws Butler cartoon character-type voice) for well over three decades. It is my sole idiomatic expression and I use it in every imaginable emotional state and situation: joy, hope, rage, fear, annoyance, disgust, remorse, shame, sorrow, surprise, jealousy, guilt, yearning, ennui, perplexity, sexual climax…you name it; I proclaim, Yumpin’ Yiminy!
My family, friends and acquaintances believe that I use the expression little too often, but Yumpin’ Yiminy, they should really keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves.
.
.
I will refer to people who annoy me as cheese logs, as in “That guy is such a cheese log.” I don’t know why I started using it, but it does amuse my friends, and it’s suitable for use in polite company.
I’ve also exclaimed Holy Guacamole and Neato torpedo as the occasion warranted.
“Fine time to tell me, Lucille!” - My mother says it, and apparently it’s a mondegreen of an old song.
“Come, we must away!” - From an Emily Dickinson poem.
“Go shit a brick, will ya?” - to someone who complains.
“Gott mit uns.” I stretch it out, as if to say, “Got mittens?” really slowly.
My grandfather used to say “Appaletsa baccala!” I guess he got it from something his parents said to each other. Baccala is a fish that Italians traditionally eat for Christmas, that’s all I know.
<stewie>
What the deuce?
Who the devil are you?
</stewie>
It may have older origins, but I used to live across the street from the songwriter of You picked a fine time to LEAVE me, Lucille. Country chart topper back in the 70’s.
A few I picked up somewhere:
Eat it, potsie!
Thunderfuck!
You’re a git!
Motherpusbucket! Yeah, I like Ghostbusters.
And my friend Shawn’s favorite retort that I absorbed: Fuck yourself to sleep!
“Suck my proverbial dick!” is my favorite.
“I ain’t a fuckin’ this mule!”
For example, say I give a friend a ride to the store to buy brake pads for his car. He asks if he should get the cheapos or the expensive ones. “I don’t know, I ain’t a fuckin’ this mule.”
If there’s two drinks on the table and I don’t know whose is whose:
“Is this mine or urine?”
When I do something for someone at work and they thank me, I always respond with “No prob, bob.” I still don’t know why. I guess I just like rhyming.
Or you’ve just seen the movie **12 Monkeys]/b] so many times you’ve sublimated that part of it…
I tell everyone ‘have fun’ when they tell me they are leaving/doing something as well.
I also often, not always, say ‘yarr’ rather then ‘yes’.
“Judas Iscariot in the witness protection program” as in "Judas Iscariot in the witness protection program, will you turn that shit down??
I’m rather proud of the fact that I made it up myself. 
“Gerbils is nice,” said in my best imitation Kaylee voice – means “you’re a whiner, so shut up now.” Has confused the hell out of a certain cow-orker almost daily for the last 2+ years.
“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal” – confuses salesdrones enough that they stop babbling about the extended warranty (also used for messed up food orders)
“It’s your horse, you ride it” – I refuse to get involved, or even comment further on your drama (usually said to above mentioned cow-orker)
“Smegmata!”
“…if not, not.”
“I’m gonna eat your HEAD!” or “I’m going to eat you for DINNER!” (to my cat)
I do this too! Not as often, but I make other sound-effects, too. At one point I decided that life was better with sound-effects, and since the world was not obliging me with them, I would have to make them myself.
On a similar note, my friend Jacqueline will say “grumble” and “sigh” instead of actually doing them. It’s especially funny when she wants an emphatic sigh, because then she will say “Siiiiiighhhhh”.
I picked up "<whatever> in a can"from my friend Josh. Sex in a can, guilt trip in a can, whoopass in a can, and so on. Happiness comes in cups though.
People bringing up inconvenient facts I don’t want to deal with get a “Quiet, you!”
I break into Cinematic Nazi when annoyed. “Mein Gott, people! You will line up in the numerical order! Roommates will stay together, according to the lower number! Those who are not in the numerical order will be shot, roommates not together will be beaten, and complainers will be loaded onto the trains as a warning to the others!”
I make warnings to the others frequently. “If you enter this room again, I will cut off your hands and nail them to my door as a warning to the others!”
I may post again if I think of more.
I do that with “all her majesty.” No idea where it came from, I just one day started to add it to the end of everything.
“Where are you headed, and all her majesty?”
“Do you have herpes, and all her majesty?”
“I could go for a grilled cheese and all her majesty.”
It’s a lot more polite than saying “Oh fuck, I think I shot Marvin in the face.”
My response to things going wrong is either. ‘Well FUCK. Fuck a DUCK. Rotissery-style. With a mother-FUCKING tent-pole.’ All drawn out, generally while surveying wreckage of some sort. Or ‘jucking Jesus damn’, which yes, makes no sense.
I use ‘yoink’ as a verb at work - ‘just wait right there, I’ll yoink a copy of the shelf.’ and I try to use ‘not the sharpest kitten in the sack/bunny in the blender’ as often as I can.
I say ‘onwards, onwards, ever onwards’ while playing cards as a polite hurry-up.