What can Cecil do to me?

RM_Mentock · February 12, 2000, 5:20am

Gotcha!
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If you are a newbie and have been directed here under some vague but dire threat of Cecil’s illimitable wrath, stop. Take a deep breath, look up gullible in the dictionary (if you can find one that has it), and add your name to the list below. Welcome to the Straight Dope.
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rocks

TVeblen · February 12, 2000, 5:24am

Yawn.

Cecil and The Dopers can’t do anything more dreadful than what’s already befallen you. We’re fighting ignorance; you’re a loudly self-proclaimed putz who glories in being ignorant.

Next??

Louie · February 12, 2000, 5:56am

What can Cecil do to you? What can Cecil do to YOU? Watch out man, people that messed with Cecil never become the same.

BTW your “invisible” sig sucks

system · February 12, 2000, 7:29am

“The Department is required by law to maintain a record of this complaint for a period of at least three years. Others seeking information regarding you will be advised of this complaint. Any written response you provide the Department will also be included in the public record.”

If you have any questions, please see, “Yawn,” above. Thank you fer yer kind attention to this matter.

Dr. Watson
“Things have their laws, as well as men; and things refuse to be trifled with.” – Emerson

kellibelli · February 12, 2000, 4:59pm

Um, nice pit-thread, loser.

krish · February 12, 2000, 8:53pm

We’re watching you. Get rid of the invisible sig, or else…

Sweet_Basil · February 13, 2000, 8:24pm

Huh?

WallyM7 · February 14, 2000, 1:23am

If you’re feeling a bit suicidal, Mentock, don’t worry about it.

Life isn’t for everyone.

JillGat · February 15, 2000, 6:19am

I don’t get this.

Nurlman · February 15, 2000, 7:21pm

What can Cecil do to you? Dear God, boy, you take your own life in your hands for even asking the question.

Cecil can sully your credit rating with a flick of his pen. He can spam hacker newsgroups using your e-mail account, and fundamentalist religious newsgroups using your telephone number. He can telepathically induce incontinence, hemmorhoids, or the worst case of blue balls you’ve ever experienced-- especially if you’re a girl.

Merely to entertain himself while folding laundry, Cecil has been known to Rapture entire villages in southern Cambodia. Upset over being called to jury duty once, he astrally traveled to Olympus where he laid a big ol’ hurt on Zeus, then descended into Hades and gave Satan a serious wedgie. Cecil can travel through time and seduce your mother and force her to give you a funny name. Cecil gives dead people the Clap just for fun.

You know that tortilla in Mexico that the Virgin Mary appeared on? Cecil ate it and then bitched about it tasting all fishy. But did God do anything about it? No sir. God’s been scared of Cecil ever since Cecil signed God up for all kinds of magazine subscriptions and put a bag of flaming doo-doo on God’s doorstep.

That’s assuming you piss him off. Be Cecil’s buddy, and he’s liable to mentally give you a mind-bending orgasm right in middle of reading a book or performing a circumcision. He’ll buy you expensive chocolates and eat all the prune-filled ones so you don’t have to. He’ll smite your enemies and give you the skulls to keep so you can make really cool candleholders. Then he’ll have your car detailed and park it on the other side of the street after 4 pm every day for you.

Ukulele_Ike · February 15, 2000, 8:16pm

I can vouch for the “mind-bending orgasm” part.

Uke

WallyM7 · February 15, 2000, 8:29pm

Nurl, you’re awesome. I’m green with envy.

jab1 · February 16, 2000, 2:37am

Cecil is who God prays to.