Ever wonder what Cecil REALLY wants with us?

So, you’re Cecil, omniscient sort-of-journalist-cum-researcher, and you’ve established your own army of Dopephiles. Now, you make a few bucks selling them books and mugs and such, but surely the financial reward doesn’t outweigh the massive effort of finding out the answers to all these questions.

So… doesn’t it ever seem like we’re being set up? Maybe he’s going to turn us into an army of world domination… fighting ignorance with force!

The mind boggles at the thought. In fact, excuse me while mine finishes boggling.

Okay, there… so what IS Cecil’s master plan, and when is he gonna reveal it to his underlings?

General Czarcasm has something of a nice ring to it… or how about Corporal Q.E.D.? Mess Officer Dutchboy208?

I get to be Quartermaster! I was QM in Boy Scouts!

::looks around furtively::: Cecil isn’t real!:wink:

Say it ain’t so!

I always thought you were a chick…

Hey, that’s classified!

I’ll fight ignorance with force…
As well as my feeble brain can help, anyways…

Nope. Know any nice ones? :smiley:
Ilsa’s a character from Casblanca.

Guess you kinda missed the boat on that Ingrid Bergman thing… heh. If I find one, I’ll let ya know.

Whatever Cecil wants, I’m always ready.
I ain’t lending Him any money, though!

His wicked way.

Any questions?

Does that mean handcuffs and whips and such? I’m not up for that… well, unless Cecil is really a hot gal, in which case I call first dibs on the signup sheet…

Cecil’s dirty little secret is that he is not trying to fight ignorance, but to quench his own mad thirst for knolwedge. He has not assembled an army, but a herd of unwitting dupes. Ever notice how we disappear one by one? He’ll ask himself “which bounces higher when dropped from a ten story building, a loaf of spam or the human body?”, and then he’ll invite someone like Wildest Bill up to his penthouse lair. The mods conveniently “ban” Bill and we never hear from him again.

Nice and tidy.

I know this because Cecil invited me to his island fortress, once. Instead of the vacation I thought I was geting, that fat bastard subjected me to endless surgeries and “gene therapy” shots. I guess the half human, half tiger chick should have tipped me off, but that mad scientist turned my 5’9" frame into a 3’2" covered with hair and then slapped a prehensile tail on my ass.

But I escaped, and now I’s got me a 12 gauge. Cecil, buddy, this is one simian that wants vengeance.

And a banana.

Cecil wouldn’t be the first mad genius to promise me a share of the globe after he takes over…

Another one for world domination. Of course, I plan to beat him to it…

What does Cecil want with us?

Everyone knows that stimulated brains taste better and are lower in cholesterol.

Work it out.

What does Cecil want with us?

He will make his plans known to us as the Comet approaches… not before.

I claim shotgun!!!

Cecil wants us to want him. He needs us to need him. Etc.

Dude, I have this thing with men in uniforms and a title. I think I need to be alone for awhile now.


Here’s the real story, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

He’s in cahoots with Jim Jones (who’s been laying pretty low since the Guyana incident). The Master’s Plan is to kill us and eat us. He lures us into an addictive message board, so that we will sit for hours on end reading the witty, entertaining, and informative posts, while at the same time, softening our physiques and removing the stringiness and toughness from our carcass. The combination of sedentary lifestyle and constant snacking will lead to an increase girth (more $$ per lb…), and at an appropriate time, Jones will offer us a refreshing Kool-Aid, laced with cyanide and a marinade, and we will eventually become the main course at the “Moderator Holiday Party.” We’re nothing more than veal to him. World wide, free range veal.

It all makes perfect sense, now that I think of it.

In hindsight, I really regret starting this thread. I did it before I figured everything out.

Oh, well. Guess we all gotta go sometime.

[font size=8]Soylent green is Dopers![/font]


Well, you get the idea… :frowning: