Interesting insight. I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.
I don’t know where you live, but there might be women’s groups around your area. You would perhaps be more comfortable at one of those, at least to start with. There should be some sort of an office you can get info on meeting times and places and types from, too, check your phone book.
Not a member, but have been a visitor on quite a few occasions.
I’m not religious, and I go to an AA meetings about once a week. I was a binge drinker, too. I deal with the higher power issue by looking internally. My higher power is a sober me.
Please take her up on her offer. Even if you don’t find a group soon, having someone to talk to makes a world of difference.
I admire your courage for making a change. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.
I recently started going back to AA just to make sure I wasn’t about to slip up. Like others have said, meetings are everywhere and some cater to different groups than others. One meeting I go to is almost all highly educated professionals. Ten miles away, there are meetings mainly for the homeless or almost homeless. Groups from half-way houses visit our meeting some time. There are probably women’s meetings in your area. In the Boston area, we have these little meeting directories that give the critical information for about 3000 meetings a week around here. However, AA is almost completely decentralized so there might be something else in your area. Just ask at any meeting and they can hook you up and maybe explain what the abbreviations mean. Some areas have meeting information on-line as well.
My first AA meeting was with a college group–it was about half atheists, almost all young people, and a couple old-timers.
I was so scared to death with what had been happening in my life I didn’t care what the meeting was like.
As it turned out, the people were really friendly. One guy was so engaging that I thought perhaps I was supposed to know him, and had forgotten his name somewhere in a drunken stupor (later he said I just smelled familiar).
Anyway, there was some talk of God, Who I was pissed off at if He existed at all, but there were people who said their Higher Power was the radio (no kidding) or a mammy type with a black iron skillet, which I thought amusing.
Anyway, those people helped me learn how to live sober, and fifteen years later, when the shitstorm rises inside my head, I go to Tower Group here in Memphis, a delightful group where I am free to cuss my ass off (I love cussin).
Anyway, if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, go and give it a shot, if you don’t like it you can have your old life back
And the white queen
Is talking backwards
To those of you who have gone through this, quitting drinking, how did your SO handle it? Was he/she supportive? Angry at you for fucking up for so long before getting help?
My SO talked about leaving me the other day. A week after I sought help. She decided to stay and help me get through this, then needs to work on herself…then maybe we can work on us. That is such a hard pill to swallow. In one day she went from being my partner to being my friend, although she says we’re not broken up. I’m so confused. One minute she’s comforting and supportive and the next she’s cold and distant. I’m giving her the space she needs to work through her anger and hurt, and she’s giving me mine but the uncertainty is killing me.
Obviously if I start drinking she’s gone but it’s hard to take that even after stopping she may just leave anyway.
I’ve been on the other side of this equation. Let me tell you that in my whole life, there’s never been anything as hard as someone I love self-destructing through substance abuse. Nothing else I’ve gone through - not death in the family, not divorce, nothing - was as painful and exhausting, emotionally. Be very wary of underestimating the hurt you’ve caused your SO. Look at the bolded words and then think what she may feel, considering that you, not she, is the alcoholic here. I would be willing to guess that she finds your behavior even more erratic than you find hers - it’s the way with alcohol.
I’m not flaming you here, please believe that. I’m just saying that I can understand why your SO may feel ambivalent about keeping the relationship going, even if you appear to be better.
ETA: Have you spoken to her about maybe going to an Al-Anon meeting or two? She would find others in similar situations, and might find a sympathetic ear and a place to vent constructively.
My husband is a recovering addict/alcoholic. My drinking only made him look/feel better about himself. It is me who has the anger and trust issues with him. (These issues are, ironically, why I told myself I drank so much.) For a long time I didn’t think I had a problem at all.
My husband didn’t succeed in sobriety the first time. It took many times. I was angry and hurt, and sometimes I still am. And it is a lot of work rebuilding the relationship. I still can get cold for no apparent reason. Although usually it’s me remembering something, and not wanting to talk about it. I can understand both your and your SO’s point of view, because I’ve been there. I’m what AAer’s call a double winner. Isn’t that nice?
I hope you find some peace soon.
I hear what you’re saying. I know things have been tough on her. I’m trying my best not to get upset that she’s so angry and cold. The thing I have difficulty with is that I was in a six year relationship with an alcoholic years ago back before I had my own drinking problem. If my SO then had sought help, I would’ve been there…nervous and worried but unwavering in my devotion. I know I’m underestimating her pain, and a part of me thinks I may have been overestimating our committment to each other.
And yeah, I know I’m being a baby about this. I’m trying not to be but today…today’s just a shitty day.
ETA: I forgot to mention that I’ve mentioned Al-Anon or individual counseling to her a few times. I really think she could benefit from talking to someone. Granted she has friends to discuss this with and they’re helping her as much as friends can, I’m grateful that she has that outlet but I think she needs something more. I may ask a mutual friend to suggest it to her. She may be more amenable to the idea if it comes from someone other than me.
It takes a long while to get used to the format of AA. I am the most agnostic man you’d ever meet, my “Higher Power” is nature and the world around me - not the christian God. It took me a long while to find the best meetings, and when I did they truly saved my life, marriage, career. There are all manner of folk in AA meetings. Doctors, Nurses, Lawyers, Teachers, Judges, soccer moms, hippies, yuppies etc…etc…but all of us have one thing in common. The desire not to drink for one day. That’s it, one 24 hour period of time. Don’t worry about that fun cocktail party coming up at work, or that wedding where you’ll see all your drinking buddies. Just worry about today and today only.
FIND A WOMEN’S GROUP, AND FIND ONE SOON! There have got to be women’s groups around. There are all types of groups in all cities. Gay/Lesbian, singles, couples, handicapped, mens, womens, veterans, teens etc…etc…
AA IS NOT A RELIGOUS ORGANIZATION. It is a spiritual one. Between you and your higher power. Cite my 6 page thread in GD from a year or so ago for more info.
**The Chao Goes Mu ** - PM me or email if you’d like to chat. Once you start going to AA you will find people much like the woman who tracked you down. People you like, people you don’t like. People you confide in people you don’t, but above all you’ll find the means to stop drinking one day at a time.
Missed the edit window. No, no no, I really don’t believe that I’m overestimating our committment to each other. That was just me feeling sorry for myself for a minute. :smack:
Thanks for all the advice, info and encouragement, it helps more than you know.
Second Philoshr on finding a women’s group. You don’t say what town you’re in, or I’d point you at a list for your community – the AA web sites’ quality is pretty variable, but you can generally just google “alcoholics anonymous” + yourTown. For example, I tried that combo for Phoenix, and got this list, which lists several women’s meetings (fewer than I had expected, but still, there are some).
Second this also. AA isn’t just a self help group, its a fellowship – people look out for each other. This is probably difficult to wrap your head around, , but an AA person helping someone else (you), helps them keep themselves sober. There’s a huge spirit of “giving back” to others.
Also, again, try several different meetings. They can range from relatively huge revivals filling a church to three people around a table reading 12x12 chapters and sharing their thoughts. If you don’t like going to meetings, sometimes you keep your chin up and go anyway, because it really does help you. And after a while, you’ll be surprised that you look forward to the meetings. Really!
Well, the woman who practically tackled me at last night’s meeting gave me a list of meetings in the entire area. There are a few women’s meetings that I’ll most likely hit up. I’ve decided to call her and see if she can go with me to the campus meeting tomorrow. Even if she can’t, I’ll go anyway. I called a drug and alcohol center today also
to get an assesment from them. They’re not to expensive and it’s based on your need. The lowest level is an 8 week education course or 8 hours in one day. The next up is once a month counseling. Then it goes from there. I don’t know if that’s what I need yet but at least with my regular counselor and A.A. I should be able to kick this.
It’s kind of like that game Stay Alive. You keep pushing and pulling different levers and hope you pick the right ones to keep you on top.
I’m not an alcoholic, SO of an alcoholic or child of an alcoholic, so take what I say with that in mind.
Comparing the pain you felt when involved with an alcoholic to the pain your SO feels is useless. Every person has varying levels of patience, depths to which they’re willing to be used or hurt, their willingness to allow you to hurt yourself. Your SO may feel that if she spent 6 years in “unwavering devotion and support”, you’d have little incentive to change.
You’re trying to change, and that’s good, but from what I understand, you need to be doing this for yourself. If her choosing to leave is what made you decide, that’s one thing. But heal for yourself and let her decide what is best for her. You hurt her. She needs to figure out if she’s willing to trust you won’t continue to hurt her.
StG
This, massively this. When I said it was my first meeting, I practically got a standing ovation. One guy followed me out to give me his phone number and tell me to call whenever. They don’t just help, they really want to help.
This should be mentioned that you never "kick" it. It’s always there, and alcoholism get’s worse, even if you aren’t drinking. I don’t mean to scare you - quite the contrary - like squeegee said, this is a fellowship. If someone can connect with you, and you connect with them you will be able to live with “it” and live quite happily.
They say it’s cunning and baffling, and above all patient - I have never gone back to drinking, so I don’t really want to try and find out if they are right.
The SO will stay if she wants to stay with the person you will become.
If she doesn’t, then she won’t.
Now, if you the real McCoy (genuinely do need to stop), then you don’t have much future with any SO if you don’t get your own self together first–this is independent of having a SO.
No personal experience with this sort of thing . . . just popping in like the others to say good on you and best wishes.
Oh, and also, I have a friend who was/is in AA (not sure if she still attends meetings, but I know she’s still not drinking after years and years), and she’s a total atheist. AA still helped her a lot, and she keeps the little sobriety sticker on her car.
Oh, and one more also on preview: I was thinking something along the lines of what DPF wrote above: Take care of yourself first and foremost. You’re the only one who can fix you.
Good luck.