If God heard “Christmas In the Northwest”, I think He’d want to actively distance Himself from being associated with creating this part of the country for fear of people blaming the song on Him.
Perhaps Patton Oswalt’s take on the song will provide you with some Christmas cheer.
I work in retail. The store radio is all Christmas all the time right now. But there can be no songs that even hint at religion so we are stuck with non-religious Christmas songs which pretty much means:
Jumping Jesus!
Worst offenders:
It’s a Marshmallow World (by anyone!) Worst lines “The world is red / like a pumpkin head” and “It’s a yum yummy world made for sweethearts”
Jingle Bells (Barbara Streisand)
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Except the J. C. Mellencamp version because I like zydeco)
Carol of the Bells - unless it is done with bells! Fucks sake it isn’t called Carol of the Piano
Mele Kalikimaka - Jesus fucking wept
I was once subjected to Marshmallow World 3 times back to back to back. One by some crooner fuckwad, one by some woman and one instrumental.
Last week I was treated to no fewer than six (6!) renditions of I Saw Mommy… in an eight hour shift.
Winter Wonderland…stupid lyrics. “Later on, we’ll conspire…to face unafraid the plans that we made…” Nothing like a good Christmas conspiracy. Why were you making plans that you’d be afraid of in the first place?
Snowmen are also not legally authorized to marry couples.
Dad always changed it to “perspire” when singing that song.
The local AM channel that turns to All Christmas Music All The Time on Thanksgiving plays Rocking Around the Christmas Tree, Holly Jolly Christmas and Jingle Horse Rock at least once an hour. Added to that is Winter Wonderland by assorted artists.
Every singer seems to have the need to put out a version of Oh, Holy Night whether they have the range for it or not. Most of them are limited to the first two verses…
8&
Try the Johnny Cash version. No parum-pah-bahs.
I think it’s a drinking game, as in you throw back a shot every time you screw up.
Hey! A relative wrote that! And Jay North ruined it. Why isn’t he dead?
Smut makes the holidays merry for everybody older than six.
There is no way they were in the same hemisphere when they recorded it.
Appallingly bad.
No, because they’re freaking Muslims or Anamists or simply starving, regardless your white privilege holiday…
Up on a housetop reindeer paws,
Reindeer teeth and reindeer jaws,
…
Up on a housetop, click, click, click,
Look here, I found a reindeer dick!
I’m tired of this song because many subway buskers here play it, all year round, and usually badly, and sometimes with a crappy/cheesy back-up recording.
Some songs are better than others. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth is not my favourite song. November Christmas music is too early for me.
Okay, anything sung by an operatic singer. If anyone can fuck up a Christmas song, it’s some soprano showing off her range or a baritone dragging out a song until you want to slit your wrists. We went to the annual “Comfort and Joy” concert yesterday. The only joy I felt was when my wife suggested we leave at intermission. The arrangements were lackluster, and the baritone soloist was awful. You know the feeling of intimacy you hear when Karen Carpenter sings The Christmas Waltz? Imagine it as a dirge. As a bonus, he forgot part of the lyrics to one of the songs and tried to ad-lib “la-la-la”, then fucked up the end of another song by thinking he was at the end, when the orchestra still had another bit to do. :smack:
Apparently Leann Rimes covered the hippo song? She actually managed to make it boring.
The horrible, off-key, efforts of the “other” Jacksons is so evident in this song that it makes you wonder how they ever got signed as an act.
Jose Feliciano, ya got no complaints.
The local cable company found a worse version of “Santa Baby” for their seasonal music channel. Michael Bublé singing “Santa Buddy” just ain’t right.
Pick a tempo and stick with it, lady!
I was doing some shopping yesterday, and there was a family there with two kids who kept singing the same two lines of “The Little Drummer Boy” over and over again, thus reminding me why I have decided never to have children. They finally left, then moments later “The Little Drummer Boy” came on the store’s sound system.
I managed not to fall to my knees and scream “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” right there in the store, but it took some willpower.
Have you noticed that those all-Xmas music" stations really up the number of ads?:mad:
I do dislike “It’s A Marshmallow World”.
I do like “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”, but not in common rotation. It’s nice heard a couple of times, but not over & over. Little Drummer Boy by Bing & Bowie is another song like that.
I despise “Grandma got…” and it is in rotation, same hate with “The Christmas Shoes” … which at least I havent heard this year.
“All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” is a song I want to hear exactly once per season.
They must have been in the same hemisphere at some point unless this uses a green screen.
My 2nd* least favorite is “I Wonder As I Wander”. Or is it “I Wander As I Wonder”? I can’t tell, because every goddamn singer pronounces both words exactly the same. Whatever happened to WUNder and WAHNder? Do people forget how to pronounce simple English words when they start singing?
#1 is, and always will be, “Christmas Shoes”.