We need toestablish a level playing field to maximise our synergies across all paradigms.
blech.
calling employees “associates”
“The CEO and I?-- we’re associates… we’re like THIS! (crosses fingers)”
:rolleyes:
Just thought of another one - “empowerment”. Yep, I feel empowered - to do what I’m told, if I want to keep my job.
It’s actually a reference to Jim Jones and his followers who all killed themselves by drinking poisoned cool-aid. In the corporate world, it generally means the company is looking for “proactive, goal oriented team-players” or in other words enthusiastic automotons who will follow the company line with mindless cult-like devotion.
Since I have and MBA and was a management consultant for a number of years, I’ll play:
Hollistic (and his little cousin Hueristic) - No idea what that shit means
Bio-break - Trip to the crapper/pisser
Whiteboard - A dry erase board to be used with Expo brand dry-erase markers
Utilization - % of hours you pretend to work that are billed to a client
Capture - write down
Any of the acronyms or ephymisms for a performance evaluation.
Best practices - Stuf that works.
Issues - Stuff that doesn’t work
Entrepreneurial - You do all the hustling for clients and work while some partner gets the money
Billable - an hour charge to a client (see utilization) - Tasks are either BILLABLE 
or non-billable 
Methodology - How we do stuff in Fantasy Land
‘e’ Anything - Fortunately that one disappeared along with the companies that started it
Restructuring - Generally a combination of people firing or transfered into jobs they hate
“Best-buddy” - Some enthusiastic douchebag they hired last year who gives you the tour - generally good for 1 free lunch
Mentor - Basically a successful guy in the company who’s ass you kiss in hopes he’ll drag you along with him.
Happy Hour - Going out to drink with people you just tolerate so they can bitch about work and continue the alchoholism they developed in college.
Team Building - Any “optional” event that sounds fun on paper (like batting cages or a team dinners) but then has the fun sucked out of it because you MUST go and the boss who yelled at you 2 hours ago is now your best friend like some manic-depressive alchoholic father.
The beach/bench - Downtime (see utilization, billable hours). Since you have no client to work on, you now develop your skills by breaking apart boxes, typing memos, serfing the web and getting flak for not being utilized (even though you really have no say over what you get staffed on or when).
Networking - Kissing ass.
Subject matter expert - Someone who actually has worked in a field as opposed to someone who is merely really enthusiastic
CBT - Computer Based Training - Helpful online training that provides the same level of education as basic common sense (“so…this “bond” thing you finance people talk about…”
Core Values - The companies way of making the job seem like something higher than simply a transaction of money in exchange for your time and labor.
Buzzword Bingo is more fun if you introduce an Instant Win word.
in amongst the “paradigm shifts”, “customer focuses”, and other bullshit words, there is a word like “Elvis”, “beer”, or “nipples”. It is permitted to try to entice the speaker to say them. Makes the meeting more fun, anyway.
This shit goes on even in school. Here’s my high school’s mission statement. I am NOT making this up:
It took 42 words to say “Our goal is to teach children.”
Actually, I don’t have a problem with whiteboard. It’s not a chalkboard, and it does describe what it looks like.
I don’t know if this will count but here are a few quotes from some of the theorists in my English Critical Theory course. These bozo’s take obfuscation to epic new heights.
There’s about 30 pages of this shit. If anyone has enough spare time to translate the two above quotes for me then I’d appreciate it. It wouldn’t do much good, however, as I’ve already quoted and expounded on them in my last essay (a masterpiece of sustained bullshitting, btw). Like they say, “Bullshit in - bullshit out”.
I posted a similar Pit thread here. Lots of annoying ones in there.
“…have a little project for you…”
I suppose that’s OK in some cases. When the “project” is moving signposts from one side of the lobby to the other, however, it is not.
Call me crazy, but I have to defend corporate wank-words at least to some extent, as I find them occasionally quite useful.
You have to know that they’re empty puffery, of course, and that you aren’t actually saying anything, but with that as a given you can employ them for two important purposes when talking to morons in other departments: First, I can make my own priorities sound more important than theirs, which is useful in making them go away; and second, if I can’t make them go away, I can discuss and describe the project they want me to participate in without actually making any promises.
Two very important skills to have in the modern workplace, obviously. Other than that, yeah, this sort of jargon pretty much sucks.
50 posts and no one has mentioned “World Class”? You folks are just not being proactive.
Forgot one
ownership - Yeah…that’s what I want to “own”. Some stupid project no one in their right mind wants to do.
I think that’s what pisses everyone off. Business-speak sounds like pretentuous meaningless bullshit to anyone with higher than a kindergarten education yet people use it as if it fools people into following suggestions that contradict basic logic and common sense.
"Why don’t you Shoot Me An Email… or maybe you could just put it on a Sticky Note " Arrrrgggghhhhhh…
Doh… :smack:
“incent”
stupidest, new-to-me word of 2002.
really, provide a damn incentive, better yet, provide a fucking incentive. Or if you must, because you simply cannot process words of over 6 letters or two syllables, incite the necessary people.
But at the very least use a real word, and not some stupid bastardization.
Lessons learned
Core Competencies
Deliverables
Issues. Everything is an “issue.” Problems don’t exist anymore.
Oh, yeah: “transition” as a verb. “We’re going to transition the company to Windows XP this year.”
<Python> Luxury! We used to dream of having “issues”! </Python>
Even calling something an “issue” is frowned upon where I work (a Fortune 500 company). It’s seen as negative. No, we don’t have “problems” or “issues” - we have challenges.
Fucking deliverables.
They aren’t ‘deliverables’ or ‘whitepapers’ or a ‘pres’ or a ‘hardcopy’.
JUST CALL IT A GOD DAMN REPORT OR PRESENTATION!!!
Howabout this one?
“Councelled out”
Basically it means "your doing a fine job but we decided you aren’t going to advance any higher so we are firing you…later.
" ‘Proactive’? ‘Paradigm’? Excuse me, but aren’t those just buzzwords used by dumb people to sound important?
I’m fired, aren’t I?"
–The Simpsons