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*Originally posted by zwaldd *
**“Solutions” is my pet peeve. I always wonder if the guy using it has stopped to think how stupid it sounds. Actually, ‘solutions’ is very pre-bust. I haven’t heard that one thrown around as much since the ‘solution’ became ‘laying your ass off’.
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That’s what my department was called!
It is the combination of some of these words that make me sick. ‘Team Player’ and ‘Think outside the box’, opposites if I have ever heard them.
Drone (usually from head office): “Uzi, you’re not acting like a team player”
Me (out in the field, half a planet away): “I’m just thinking outside the box as I’ve been told and that is exactly why the project is complete and up and running. If I was a team player I would still be stuck in meetings trying to explain to the LCD team member (usually a manager-in-a-cup of some sort) as to what the project was about let alone having it done and implemented, dipshit. Now go back to the office and try to convince the boss that the ‘team’ is actually contributing something to this organization other than processing coffee and doughnuts. But you’d better hurry as my report is already on his desk”
I heard a good one today in a series of cc’d messages I was a part of, “Thanks for your valued comments.”, in otherwords, “Fuck Off!”.
I’m too late, probably, but what the hell:
http://www.zacheverson.com/Business_dictionary.htm
The Workplace Dictionary. He takes suggestions. I’ve added about ten, including ‘team player’ and ‘hatchetman’.
You’re just not thinking outside the box.
One thing that is extremely disheartening to me about American corporate culture: the near universal appeal of “Dilbert” suggests that the bullshit and insanity are extremely widespread. Dilbert is popular because so many people can relate - that is sad.
I bet there are some classic ones in non-English speaking corporations too, though.
DarrenS, that is because we may very well be entering the Age of Beauracracy. Cheer up, though. the Book of Honest Truth as it was revealed to Lord Omar K Ravenhurst predicts:
Thus it was in accordance with the Law of Laws.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by zwaldd *
**“Solutions” is my pet peeve. I always wonder if the guy using it has stopped to think how stupid it sounds. Actually, ‘solutions’ is very pre-bust. I haven’t heard that one thrown around as much since the ‘solution’ became ‘laying your ass off’.
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In my experience, the use of “solution” has increased since the bust. The term has spread far and wide, used as a replacement for just about any noun. Leash? It’s a “canine restraint solution.” TV dinners? “Meal replacement solutions” now. I don’t think there’s a city in the US without the barrage of companies with names like “Floral Solutions,” “Carpet Solutions,” “Garage Door Solutions,” “Landscaping Solutions” and so on, ad nauseaum.
The one thing that thankfully petered out after the bust is the swoosh logo. Not exactly a corporate bullshit word, but definitely a corporate dot-com trend. Same thing with companies named “Tavient,” “Delient,” “Xelient,” “Julient,” and so on.
Must be bloody confusing for chemists.
I hate “human capital” and have heard it used in earnest. The sheer inhuman (yuk yuk) connotations - blech…
…and mademoiselle gave thanks that she was not part of the American corporate culture, as she wept for those who were.
“balanced life” or “well balanced life” - Usually means that in a misguided attempt to give employees a life outside of work, the company will create “fun” team shit to do that makes you spend what free time you have on corporate functions.
Cohesive
Moving forward - going forward
“Initiative” when referring to someone’s asskissing “directive” to make your job harder to do.
Synergy
Proactive
infostructure< — when referring to what is supposed to be a “management team and viable workforce”
Issues - Stuff that doesn’t work<—namely my boss!
CBT - Computer Based Training - Helpful online training that provides the same level of education as basic common sense <— and then you find that is precisely what they do no practice, but they’re working on it!!
Core Values - The companies way of making the job seem like something higher than simply a transaction of money in exchange for your time and labor.<---- Another catch phrase to use on you when you decide to tell them to pound sand in their pancakes for telling you you have lost your vacation for the year 2002 because you worked your ass off to help them out in tough times.
AND LAST BUT NOT FARKING LEAST!!!
When your boss refers to a project, he refers it to " This piece" or " The ____ Piece" …like its the holy fucking grail!!!
Narcissistic mother fuckers!!!
Ok. rant off…
“Ownership” has been mentioned, but I hate it so much, I’m going to mention it again.
“We do it this way to let everyone take OWNERSHIP of his own work.”
The people don’t want to own their work, dickhead. They want to do their job and then go HOME! Telling them to TAKE OWNERSHIP of their work WITHOUT CHANGING ANYTHING RELEVANT simply makes YOU feel better. It does not change a damn thing about THE EMPLOYEES!
“Negative support”
I couldn’t believe this one the first time I heard it. Basically, it means “criticism” or “bitching about job-related stuff”. “We are extremely disturbed about the NEGATIVE SUPPORT that our new district sub-manager is receiving from his team.”
…what kind of mind thinks in these terms?
Lastly, there’s “Professionalism”.
I mourn for the word “professionalism”. It used to mean taking pride in your work, comporting yourself as a professional, and suchlike.
In modern lingo, it seems to mean “demonstrating willingness to do as your superiors order you to, even if carrying out those orders is directly opposed to your own best interests.”
“We have seen a serious lack of PROFESSIONALISM in the team’s response to the Mandatory Unpaid Overtime memo. That response has consisted of NEGATIVE SUPPORT for corporate policy.”
Makes me glad I’m a subcontractor…
I have personally heard and grated my teeth over about 90% of those mentioned so far. There is one thing that is not necessarily jargon but it’s an annoying habit of corporate nimrods who are incapable of speaking proper English. Ever meet one of those tools (usually a sales rep) who uses reflexive pronouns as subjects or direct objects etc. in a sentence?
Examples: “Bob, Joe and myself are going to jump off the building.” “Our sales staff would love to sit down with yourself and go over the details.” Ad nauseam
And add to that any twit who feels it’s necessary to add suffixes to words which already have suffixes that mean the same thing. I see this in the news a lot too:
terroristical - actually, terroristic bugs me too because terrorist works just fine as an adjective.
I know that one’s not necessarily corporate, but I get pissed at anyone who is supposed to be educated enough to speak properly.
At my employer, being fired is being “involuntarily separated”.
I did - I told the Partner I’d rather look for something a little more exciting than defining requirements for a state identification project, but that in the meantime I’d help out there. I was eventually assigned to a huge government knowledge management project that, alas, never happened - but oh well.
My point was more that you have to be proactive about your career track and get out there to meet people. I was stuck on a remote project when I was initially hired where a junior partner kept me stifled for a long time - I took advantage of my coach (“mentor”) and Xmas parties to network and make connections that got me out of there and onto better projects.
Which is why I got out of Big Five style consulting and now work internally for my employer. For what they would pay a Big 5 firm for a 6-month contract, they can hire me comfortably for a few years. The win, I win, it’s win-win - which is bound to piss of a lot of people when I say it. 
Actually, you’re the asshole here.
You were being reactive insofar as you were reacting to an occurance; but your boss was saying that you should be proactive about avoiding the next occurance–meaning, change whatever needs to be changed so it doesn’t happen again, before it happens again.
Get it? You were being reactively proactive. If you’d avoided the whole problem in the first place, you’d have been “proactively proactive”; likewise, if you’d done nothing, you’d be “reactively reactive”; if you’d planned beforehand, not to prevent the next occurance, but to clean it up afterwards, you’d have been “proactively reactive”.
Really, you could be much more productive around the office if you’d just learn the lingo.
Fuck me runnin’, are you serious?
That’s pretty much the only way to manage your career at a Big-5. Great place to work - anyone with talent leaves for more money in 2 years. Anyone who isn’t exactly like everyone already there is counseled out. Great way to create a culture of strict medicocrity.
Which brings me to my next word of the day:
Corporate Culture
While every organzation has a “culture”, I find this relatively new concept of trying to turn a company into something more than a job distastfull. A company is not a “family” or a fraternity or a community. It is a business. A family does not lay its members off when it does not feel like supporting them.
I do not want to see a ten commandments of “Core Values” posted in every room to reinforce the company culture. Here are my “core values” :
1 Be at work when and where they tell you
2 Do whatever they tell you to work on and do it as well as I can
3 Be plesent
4 Minimize my involvement in other people drama and bullshit
5 Collect my paycheck and go home
If what I want to do or earn varies significantly from any of those rules , I can always try to find a better place to work.
While some companies (WalMart, for example) have “associates,” if you work at Disneyland you are not an employee, but a “cast member.” If you work in an area not open to the public you are said to be “backstage.” I never heard anyone say so, but I suppose in that context, Michael Eisner must be the “director.”
One I didn’t see in this thread which the self-admitted “hatchet man” of a plastics company I once worked for loved to say was, “Let’s run it (this idea) up the flagpole and see who salutes.” Admittedly, that was a good many years ago. It’s probably not in current use, except by the truly geezerly. This guy was somewhat older than I was.
It’s always struck me as pretentious when bank loans are referred to as “products.”
To be more precise, sounds like the obnoxious thing is trying to create a particular, somehow more profitable kind of corporate culture by force.
(I don’t mind the term “corporate culture” itself. It is useful. My last job had a great corporate culture - very casual, friendly without being pushy, and relaxed.)