What demons dwelled within the darkness of a dad?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

What demons dwelled within the darkness of a dad? What hate caused havoc upon that heart? What sickness sought to subvert a soul?

I knew not a father. I lived not with a man, but a wild beast. Who would hit a toddler with the force to leave a lasting print, for the sin of what? Of crying? Of being a child?

The palm which strikes may have belonged to an adult, but the spirit which unleashed such fury could not. For a father does not beat a baby. A dad does not molest his daughters. A man does not abuse, degrade and torment a wife.

Who cannot love your own flesh and blood? Who cannot nurture your own child? What parent seeks to seize a son’s soul? What parent destroys and does not build?

I never knew you, Dad. For the 20 odd years we dwelled under the same roof, I never knew what drove such hate. You died before I could ask why. You died before I could see you. You died before I could understand what sickness was you.

Though old to this world, I’m new as a parent. Just over two months have passed since the miracle of our baby’s birth. A baby girl so precious, I would die for. I stare in the mirror and sob as I summon the strength to be a father sufficient for this sweet soul.

But who does not? I am not special. I am not superb. I am just another father who loves his child, as do we all.

And this, father, is why I never knew you. For whatever demons possessed your soul, whatever sickness seduced your mind; you were not. You could not be there. For a father does not do what you did.

The pain inflicted and seared so deeply into my soul has gone. For with the birth of a beautiful baby another truth was born. It was not me. It was you. A father loves a child and for whatever reason or sickness or evil destroyed your love for your children also destroyed you.

I’m sorry. For you missed out on what could have been the most beautiful experience. Missed a connection which transcends time and words. Missed the chance to receive the love of a child.

No legacy of love was left. No heritage or knowledge passed along, but at least your sickness has ceased. Your hate is now buried along with you.

My journey complete, I can rest now. Any search for a reason is certain to fail. For now I see that a father loves a child simply because. No reason given. No reason needed.

Goodbye. Whoever you were. The torment is gone. The darkness has lifted and the past now belongs to the past.

For now is a new time. Here and now is a new daughter to be raised in a house warmed with affection and joy. For now is a time of love.

2

:: sob ::

TokyoPlayer, you write so well.

3

Amen.

4

that was neither Mundane, nor Pointless.

And of all the Stuff I Must Share, that was the best post I’ve seen for a long time.

5

Words fail me.

6

You’re a great Daddy already. Tha t was beautiful

7

TokyoPlayer, you are going to be a magnificent father.

What am I saying? You already are.

Best wishes to you and your family.

8

It takes strength and a lot of courage to be a good dad. You seem to have this already in spades, so I’m not worried.

hugs

9

I’ve started and erased three posts, trying to find some eloquence. All I can summon is that not everything is inherited, a person can go far beyond the darkness. And you have found the wisdom there:

*For whatever demons possessed your soul, whatever sickness seduced your mind; you were not. You could not be there. For a father does not do what you did.

The pain inflicted and seared so deeply into my soul has gone. For with the birth of a beautiful baby another truth was born. It was not me. It was you. A father loves a child and for whatever reason or sickness or evil destroyed your love for your children also destroyed you.*

It wasn’t you, but how long does it take to learn that? Some people never do.

You’re doing it right. A child, wanted and loved before she was even born, a child that changes your life. A child born, and bringing your love to fruition. That’s the way it is supposed to be.

The darkness has lifted and the past now belongs to the past. This is good.

I wish your family love and laughter in the next year and all the years to come.

10

Amen, and may it be from your lips to whatever force’s ears.

Be blessed in your new awareness and your new family.

11

For me, the miracle is that most people break the cycle (I have no way of knowing, but I speculate that your father was abused by his father and on ad infinitum. What a legacy to leave.) It can stop with you. It has stopped with you.

I am so glad you have come through. Not to threadshit, but there may be times when the demon arises from the ashes. At such times, please, remember to parent your own inner infant and child* lovingly, so that you have love to share and spread to your children as well. I hope you take this in the spirit it is intended. I think all parents are surprised at what comes out of their mouths at some point… (not that that equates to your childhood experience, I’m just saying.)

*I tend to dislike pop psychology phrases, but this fits.

12

I am awed. Thank you so much for posting this.

13

Excellent way to learn isn’t it? Knowing what not to do.

14

Thanks everyone for your comments. I’ve written before about some of the specifics of the abuse, but it’s not relevant.

It’s not been easy to overcome. It’s taken years of work, and I was fortunate to find a great counselor who helped me along the path.

Abuse is insidious, as it leaves the victims with fewer tools to deal with the stresses of live, as it imposes a legacy of issues which are difficult to overcome. Indeed, unless willfully changed they last a lifetime and beyond as they reach across the generations.

To be a parent, to bring up a child, you must face your issues. Break out of the cycle of reaction and learn new ways of looking at life, of reordering your views of the world, reactions and actions. Not just parents, adults should do this. It’s that when you have children, you have the additional responsibility to control your emotions and reactions to prevent harm to a child dependent upon you.

But life is not about the hurt. It’s not about the pain. Life is about finding a way through. It’s easy to blame but hard to accept.

My counselor talks of the resilience of the soul. Of the amazing ability of the human spirit to overcome. I’ve made some recent breakthroughs which have helped me understand and come to peace with the past, which of course affects the present.

As I type this, the most beautiful two-month old baby is smiling at me. I’ll cut this short for the message board will be around for a long time, but a baby is two months old only once in her life.

15

TokyoPlayer, you are so filled with love when you have such reason to hate, it is humbling and joyful to know you.

I wish more people, myself included, could be like you.

16

Missed also the chance to give love to a child. Which is something you aren’t missing, and therefore your child won’t have to learn to love without being taught. She will always know she is loved.
Enjoy those smiles. We’ll be around when you pop in.

17

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again;

Anger comes from Fear.
Fear comes from Powerlessness.

Why does someone assault someone who cannot defend themselves?

Because they’re angry.
Because they’re afraid.
Because they have no power over what is happening.
And they don’t like it.
And they don’t understand it.
So they’re afraid.
And that makes them angry.

So they strike out in anger, in an attempt to use their power.
To gain control, to gain power over the situation.