My first response was “inheritance,” too. I agree with whoever said that adult siblings still act in the same roles as adults as they did as kids; my biggest fight with my oldest sister when my dad died was caused basically by her being the big sister who couldn’t see that her younger sister wasn’t a kid anymore (at 38 or so years old) and the younger sister not being willing to be disregarded.
The latest fight in my family is between her husband and my husband and I - we didn’t use him as our real estate agent, and he apparently thought we should. He hasn’t talked to us in over a year - we were at the same house as him this weekend, and he didn’t initiate any conversation with us, either. Maybe you can say adult siblings fight over kids, parents, and money.
Money in general. I have to re-hash the same fight every year with my sister.
She has the bigger house, so everyone goes there at Thanksgiving (20+ people), even though my wife is the world’s greatest cook, and does 90% of the food prep. Then it comes time to split the bill for all the food and beverages purchased, which always starts out as “we’ll go 50/50”, and then becomes a fight where my sister buys new decorations every year and tries to add that to the overall bill, or discounts wine my wife already owned that she brought over, or does other various discounts for the fact that ‘she hosted the event’. Lame…
I’m currently on my sister’s shit list, and have been for over a year. She’s outraged that I’m not apologizing to her for not being outraged that her best friend didn’t apologize for an inadequate apology she’d made for having lunch with someone who was on my sister’s shit list. Navigating around her is fraught with peril, and I’m taking a breather.
Navigating around that second sentence is fraught with peril, too!
My brother and I don’t argue. Even as kids, we didn’t argue. We had a couple of knock-down, drag-out fights over stupid things - one memorable example was the time that I kicked his door down and then beat the crap out of him because he was being really annoying while I set the table for dinner - but these fights ended quickly, and with no hard feelings. They were just… moments where one of us lost our temper. (I read somewhere a great line that our siblings would always be able to push our buttons, because they had installed them.)
One reason that my brother and I don’t argue, beyond the fact that we genuinely like one another and enjoy the other’s company, is that we grew up watching siblings argue. My grandmother’s sisters went to their graves not speaking to her, nor she to them, all because they all got their britches in a bundle over my great-grandmother’s (small) legacy. My grandfather feuded with his sisters off and on for years over every small slight. And my father’s middle sister spent all of his life trying to convince him to be something/one that he would never be. (She has done the same with the nieces and nephews, and remains infuriated that we all ignore her advice/nagging. You’d think she’d give up after all these years, but you have to give her credit for persistence!)
Basically, what I see in all of these various feuds is a type of re-enactment of childhood arguments and resentments: Seeing mom’s inheritance as a way of validating her love for you or of making up for a perceived lack of attention; one sibling trying to mold another into something more “socially acceptable;” general bickering and hurt feelings. It all seems to me to be adults reverting to their childhood roles.
But usually, the catalyst for the argument seems to be money, responsibilities, choice of partner or “lifestyle,” or childrearing methods. Or “Mom always did like you best.”
At home there was very little sibling rivalry or jealousy; we all have tempers and nowadays each other is about the only people we let it loose with, but it takes more the form of barking than yelling. No, not “woof”, more like we’re all eating lunch, packed up pretty close together, and when one of us elbows another without meaning to, the elbowed one lets go with a “hey!” instead of quietly trying to compress himself further. Conversation sometimes gets heated if you don’t know the style: often we’re windmilling and talking over each other and whatnot, but we’re not arguing, we’re in perfect agreement and just excited about whatever. This is normal family communication for our father’s culture, so people from that culture aren’t scared by it but others may (both my mother and my sister in law were, when they first encountered this phenomenon).
There have been moments when I’ve had arguments-by-proxy with my sister in law who, like my mother, is one of those octopus women who think everybody’s lives would be so much better if we just did like they tell us (… or maybe I should start calling them Medusas instead…). So my brother, who by himself doesn’t give a shit what I do so long as I don’t hurt anybody and I’m happy, will come and give me some financial advice which does not match my situation at all; I’ll point out the error of his ways; he’ll think about it, go “OK!” and later explain things to his wife. I do my best to be clear on what rules they have about their kids, because I don’t want that to be a source of friction; there have been times one of us has asked about why the other part is doing something a certain way, but in order to understand it, not to contest it.
My mother and her sister have a similar relationship. Mom used to have a very high horse about how different they were (don’t ask me how she managed to boast about them being different, but she sure did), until one day I pointed out that actually there’s a lot of things they have in common and came up with a list. Now the horse is pony-sized, she still occasionally trots out “we are so different”, I answer “cept when not”. There were times when things got pretty tense re. their parents, but establishing better communication protocols solved it (the grandparents’ plots always hinge on secrecy: talk to each other and things fall apart for them).
Officially, my idiot uncle isn’t talking to the rest because my aunt (not the previous aunt, different side) got into leech mode over the inheritance; extra-officially, because he’s an ass. She did get into leech mode, but somehow the other three brothers all managed to get the specific items they wanted without blowing up.
Who owes whom an “I’m sorry”
Yes, really.
My older (by 4 years) bro and his wife raised their kids (2 planned, one oops 12 years later) to be small and dependant, and ALWAYS, FOREVER be YOUNG children/never grow up.
The youngest, especially, was taught that whatever she did was perfect, etc.
The little snot-nosed bitch (age 17) pulled the “I’m perfect and the world owes me whatever I want” bit with me once too often, and I slapped her down. Hard.
Bro, 11 years later, still demands I apologize to the bitch.
My sister has always been a racist I’m-pretty-so-its-cute bitch. NOBODY could stand her.
The only reason we acted civily as long as we did was for the sake of our parents, who were nice enough to die early, thereby allowing us to part ways.
It’s hard for me to write about my relationship with my sister, both because it’s very emotional AND because I know I have a tendency to frame it so that I come across as better than I am and she comes across worse. So I will just say that my sister and I have very different philosophies on most things, from religion and politics, down to what to eat and how to educate our kids. This matters very deeply to her and she becomes upset when I won’t acknowledge that she’s right (even if I’m just trying to drop the subject). At the moment, as far as I know, she’s not talking to me. It’s not too bad, since we live on different continents, but I feel sorry for the relatives (most of all our parents) who get caught up in the whole thing.
Okay, maybe mothers installed the wiring, and the sibs installed the buttons. My own mom can make me feel as hurt and as angry (and as guilty, of course,) as anyone alive, but no one except my siblings could ever push me right over the edge to pure physical violence. Other than my siblings, I’ve never been in a physical fight with anyone in all of my 41 years. They could push me past that line with something as simple as setting the table or (in my late sister’s case once) putting her hair into a ponytail. (There was blood in that case, and I still have scars 32 years later, but less household destruction that my brother and I wrought.)
The important thing, though, was the unsaid rule, which was that we were perfectly within our rights to try to beat the holy snot out of one another if the circumstance arose, but that no one else was allowed to assault one of us without the others risking life and limb in defense. (I also remember being 6 years old, and offering to beat up a 17-year-old who was being mean to my 7-year-old brother on the school bus. Fortunately, the driver intervened, because I’d have been badly hurt before I’d’ve let that bitch say one more mean word or lay one hand on my big brother! At 2 years old, apparently, I also stood between my brother and my 6-foot-tall mean grandmother when she threatened to spank him. The reason she threatened him? He wouldn’t “let” her spank me - as though he could really have done anything to prevent it, any more than I could have! We were 2/3 of the Musketeers at that age, and then our baby sister came along a couple of years later to complete the trio.)
I guess it’s predictable after seeing our childhood patterns of behavior, but to this day, my brother and I are able to keep our disputes amongst ourselves. We don’t always agree, and sometimes we vehemently disagree about things we consider very important, but that’s between us. No one else needs to or is allowed to weigh in on those things - we’ll work it out, as we always have. He is my brother, and I love him, and I am his sister, and he loves me, and that won’t change. Everything else on the planet might change, but as long as we are both living, I can count on the fact that we will always be one another’s biggest champions, even during times when we are one another’s worst critics.
You might be done with the past but the past isn’t done with you.
You fight over all the same crap you did except you force it onto any situation you can.
I’m the youngest of six. My brother the 5th child would probably, if he was being honest, prefer that I was never born.
He remember this incident from when he was in kindergarten. He volunteered to sing a song for his class. Mom and I were there to pick him up. He got stage fright. I stepped up and sang the song. (how much is that doggy in the window) I got some gum and applause and an arch nemesis.
Anything that puts me in the spotlight, he must tear down. To this day. Over 40 years later.
We don’t really speak anymore. After he made an ass of himself at my wedding, (no I don’t want to go in to it) I had enough. Actually I didn’t want to invite him but was over ruled but I got some nice “I told you so” but in all my wedding photos I looked pissed off.
Growing up, my older brother and I were on the receiving end of many beatings. My younger sister (two kids in between us) was apparently spared this abuse; I guess my parents got tired by the time to they got to the last one and didn’t treat her the same way as the oldest ones.
Thirty years later, she still refuses to acknowledge the possiblity that the older siblings had a different experience growing up than she did, and that our parents may not have been the perfect paragons of virtue she has created in her mind.
I realize my parents did the best they could at the time, and I have tried hard to avoid repeating the same patterns with my children; but I am still annoyed that I cannot mention anything remotely negative (even if it’s said in a non-judgmental context) in her presence.
From what I can tell it’s more like have had the same couple of “frenemies” ever since you were in kindergarten. You have a LOT of history and resentment to draw on.
Funny enough, my brother and I don’t fight. Though for all I know he’s full of simmering resentment…
I didn’t do precisely that, but I upstaged my sister pretty consistently throughout our childhoods. I have two older sisters and I’ve learned to not fight about ridiculous things, but stuff that comes out of them from time-to-time amazes me. Things you’d think an adult could get over and get past - but nope.
I learned many years ago that some people don’t “grow up” they only get taller.
Expectations from the past. We were wonderfully close growing up, but now there are a lot of things about his character that I won’t accept (stuff like petty homophobia/sexism, gut wrenching logical fallacy arguments used for entertainment, and, well, he was the only person left in my adult life that just says stuff to make me feel bad). I know he’s better/smarter than that stuff, but probably latched on to it trying to fit in. Subsequently I don’t talk to him anymore and he probably thinks I’m a whiny, over-emotional fascist who won’t accept him for who he is.
One of my sisters is currently not speaking to me because I refuse to allow her a key to my house.
It’s like this. Our father is in his mid-seventies. Several months ago he was ill and speak quite sometime in the hospital, and afterwards his doctor advised that he not live alone. So he’s moved in with me (though he still retains his own own.) My sister–like all my dad’s children–has keys to his house and is in the habit of cooking meals for him and bringing them over. Which is fine; I appreciate that. But I refuse to allow her a key to my house, because she has no boundaries; she doesn’t believe she should have to call before she comes over, for instance, and will show up uninvited and let herself in. Not cool.
Dad let her copy his key, which I found out about in exactly the fashion you would expect. I asked for the key back, whereupon she said that she shouldn’t have to surrender it because whatever house her daddy lived in was his house. Suspecting she might have kept an extra copy, I changed the lock, which she learned about in exactly the fashion you would expect. Rage ensued.
