I am being quite serious in suggesting that you cultivate this talent. Your baby is more important than a clean house. And you and your husband are going to be exhausted and sleep derived for the first few months.
If you want advice from those kind of people, why did you post to the Dope?
You currently know much more than you think you do, but not nearly as much as you are going to know in about six months. Babies are simple - not easy, simple. Feed one end, clean the other, cuddle the rest. In a few months you and the baby will get used to each other’s rhythms, and things settle down.
You asked for advice. You are going to get a ton of it, here and IRL. Much of it will be contradictory, much of the rest pointless, some shrewdly practical, some practical but not applicable. Smile politely, say thanks, and then do as you think best.
Be nice to your husband - he needs you too.
It is going to be exhilarating, chaotic, stressful, exhausting, punctuated with moments of pure joy, and horrible. Usually alternately, sometimes all at once. And in twenty years you are going to miss it.
And for their daddies to tell anyone who has a problem with the mommies doing this to fuck off and die. Sorry for the language, but people who nag parents of newborns to do housework don’t deserve any politer language. The polite response to anyone who talks about how they managed to have a newborn and never let the housework slide is to ignore them. Shoving a poopy diaper in their face is also a reasonable response to that kind of thing.
Any guests who come to visit to see the baby and expect you to cook for them, clean for them, drive them around, or find things for them to do are being beyond unreasonable. You are within your rights to ignore or laugh at any such requests, or throw these people out of your house.
Screwing up a baby irrevocably is a lot harder to do than you think it is. That’s why there are 7 billion people on the planet. Most of them are not screwed up irrevocably.
Lots of people will tell you that if you don’t do one particular thing, or refrain from doing one particular thing, your baby will be screwed up irrevocably. But, beyond the obvious things, there’s not a lot of agreement on what you have to do or what you absolutely must not do. And don’t even try looking for proper scientific data behind a lot of those beliefs, it’s just not there.
It’s surprisingly difficult to let the house stay a mess. There would be times when I was dead tired but I would be completely stressed because there was stuff everywhere. It didn’t help that we were in a really small place so stuff easily piled up. Yeah, I should have slept more, but couldn’t. Things needed to be cleaned.
You may want to look into something like this this. I can’t find the one we specifically used, but something like it. A sleep sack. My daughter liked to be swaddled, but she is a wiggle-bug so swaddling the old-timey way didn’t stick. Those allowed her to be swaddled and stay swaddled. Plus, at 2 am you really don’t want to have to think too much.
You know what else is helpful (that you might already have)? Access to a video streaming service such as Netflix. When you’re awake at 1am and holding your baby to keep him or her calm or have them in a car seat which you’re rocking with your toe because they start fussing the moment they stop moving, you’re going to want something to watch besides the normal 1am programming.
Myself, I watched a lot of MST3K during the unholy hours while my wife got a solid stretch of sleep but you’ll have your own show preferences.
Make sure you have a charger within arm’s reach. There will be a moment when you can’t stop the rocking and you’re phone will have 10% battery left…9%…8%…etc.
The wife watched all of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Futurama (except for Jurassic Bark. I warned her), It’s always Sunny and Doctor Who. The last one twice.
These points can’t be stressed enough … the world is full of people who think, and will gladly tell you, that parents are WORSE THAN HITLER if they do, or fail to do, [their pet peeve]. Only, they all have a different pet peeve, and many are completely contradictory to other peoples’!
My mother is old-fashioned about these things, and loves to visit the new baby of her friends/acquaintances/relatives/anyone in the vicinity. And she never fails to bring food, usually something microwaveable and homemade. And “why don’t I play with the baby while you take a nap” runs a close second to 'can I do a load of laundry for you?" And not in a catty way - she honestly believes this is The Way Things Ought To Be Done for new mommies. And she has taught me well - I scored major Uncle Points when I baby-sat for my new great niece and put her in the front pack and showed her how the vacuum cleaner worked while mommy and daddy went out to dinner.
First-time parents are allocated seven mistakes per day.
Seriously - if the parenting books on the market read more like this (and less like "OMG!!! YOUR HOUSE IS GOING TO KILL YOUR BABY!) more people (and babies) would be much better off.
If you write a book for first-time parents (“A Tudor’s Guide to Rational Child Rearing?”) I think you’d make a bundle on difference: heck - I’d hand them out to every new parent.
Other grandma and I take turns ‘dropping by’ on a Saturday afternoon, putting whichever parent is on duty to bed and doing some light housecleaning. I usually go from about 2 to 4 pm and make sure to leave a casserole cooking in the oven for their dinner.
Grandson seems to think it’s fun to watch grandma do the kitchen chores from the safety of his swing. I sing and he ‘sings’ along.
Other grandma has a grandpa. Shes does pretty much the same thing I do, but she has grandpa mow the lawn, too.
I remember my mother doing much the same for me all those years ago and how much I appreciated it when she did. The key is not to ask what you can do to help…just jump in and do it.
I’m jealous. We had a few friends drop by but that was it (i don’t mean to sound ungrateful. Our friends are amazing and those three meals were a godsend). Other than that, my wife and I did everything ourselves.
Honestly, it’s not that hard. My wife and I have an 8 month old.
Basically you just need to keep them on a flat, stable surface they can’t roll off of. We use either a floor mat with a bunch of toys, his bassinette or one of those bouncy-bounce things.
They will tell you when they need something in the form of crying. They just can’t tell you what it is they need. But as a generally rule, changing the diaper, sticking a bottle in his mouth and/or putting him to bed solves 90% of the problems.
Just to prepare you, the most obnoxious form of criticism you’ll receive is people who tell your baby what they don’t like about what you’re doing. They don’t even speak to you, they just say “my goodness, little man, where are your socks?!” It’s all old ladies and society frowns on you punching them in the face.
Babies are not nearly as cold as old ladies think they are.
One thing that hasn’t been mentioned that’s nice to have in the house is a bottle of Pedialyte (rehydration drink). You probably won’t need it, but it’s cheap, and if you do need it, you will realize this at 2am.
And yeah, try to get enough sleep. Babies need healthy parents more than anything else.
In my opinion, baby poop smells horrible. I dislike it more than adult poop. So good diaper containment mattered to me. Ymmv. (And yes, that was true when I breastfed.)
This entirely depends on the daughter in law. Our daughter in law would stomp around and leave the room or even yell, if we dared “drop by” for any reason. I could clean the kitchen, the bathroom and living area, gather two tall bags of trash from all over the apartment, fold the laundry and prepare a meal and still get yelled at because her mother does more or different. Do not just assume that your help, gifts, presence will be welcomed. I had no idea that it was done any other way as both my mother and mother in law helped in the way you describe, however when it was my turn to pass on these kindnesses, they were not welcomed. It was awful.
Things are a bit better now that they have three and with two and three we were asked to come and care for the older sibling(s) during the birth and a couple of days after, but then we are dismissed until the baby is a month or two old.
Not for the actual baby. Let’s be very clear that I’m not endorsing infanticide by low, steady heat.
At about 3 or 4 pm, every day, my sweet, smiley babies would turn into howling, unsettled demons, and this would drag on into 6 or 7pm, when they’d finally go to sleep. All my friends were experiencing the same thing. We called it “The Witching Hour”. Thing is, witching hour carries on right over meal prep time. By the time you get that sooky ball of need settled down for the night, it’s late, you’re tired and dinner is not even started. In comes the slow cooker! You get your meal prep done earlier in the day when your child is still angelic and compliant, and at the end of the day that meal is hot and ready when you are.
Slow cooker. Best thing I ever bought when my babies were babies.
I read online about a mom who got criticized that her baby would get cold without a hat. In the summer. In Arizona. (For non-US readers, summer temps in Arizona regularly get above 40 C)
My nine month old stays with my mom when I’m at work. Mom lives in a senior living facility. I am telling you this so you can all feel better about your afflictions. This past winter I almost wanted to not put a hat on him when it WAS cold just out of spite.
Note on bottles: I learned something when I was a candy-striper and worked on Maternity: don’t put breastmilk in glass bottles. If you feed pumped breastmilk from a bottle, use plastic or a Platex nurser with disposable liners. The antibodies in breastmilk cling to glass and so the baby doesn’t get them. If you use formula, glass is fine.
I breastfed, but my son need supplementation, and we used the nursers. Yes, they made trash, but they also didn’t create negative pressure as the baby sucked. We used, at most, two a day, and some days none, and didn’t have a dishwasher, so I wasn’t washing bottles (and worrying that they weren’t clean enough).
