After 18 months battling non-Hodgkins’ lymphoma, it’s clear that my mother-in-law is going to die quite soon (days/weeks).
My partner is going to have a conversation with her father very soon about her mom’s wishes–we know that she wants cremation and to have her remains scattered over the ocean, but not much beyond that.
Her father so far is obstinate about doing everything himself. We were in California for a week helping out and he wanted to make all calls himself; handle meals, etc.
My partner has referred to a wake, which sounds like what I call a memorial service. What do I need to be prepared to do…for everything? There’s a massive number of family & friends, and MIL’s decline has been quite sudden (she was mobile 2 weeks ago; she is now having problems with lucidity, is getting palliative care because she’s in renal failure, etc.).
You mentioned she is getting palliative care–perhaps from a hospice organization? They would probably be able to give you (or your father-in-law) advice on arranging the memorial service, cremation, obituary, and so on. Also you and your family will get guidance when the time comes, so don’t feel like you have to remember every single thing that needs to be done. Hospitals help families through this every day, and someone will be there to point out what needs to be done. You’ll also find that extended family and friends will be stepping up to help.
Advice: there’s a LOT more to putting someone’s final affairs in order than just the memorial service. Closing out a life takes quite a bit of work and, in my personal experience, a bereaved spouse isn’t the one to do it.
In my case I came to it as the little regarded son-in-law. When Lady Chance’s father died in 2000 I picked up the ball of setting his final affairs in order. Pay final bills, alerting some creditors of his death, arguing with the hospital and doctor about bills and records, working with the VA and federal government about his pension and such (he got out of the Army in 1951 and paid into the pension fun all that time. Oi!). Took me weeks but it was better done by me than the new widow. Remember, if you do this you can NOT have enough official copies of a death certificate. Many places will waive final debts with a copy of a death certificate.
In the end I got told, finally after years, ‘Everyone should have a son-in-law like you’ from my mother-in-law. Hell of a way to earn approval but at least I did earn it.
It sounds like you don’t need to know anything at all. Unless she specifies someone – you – in her will, her next of kin has the right to make whatever arrangements he wants. You should offer to help, but if you think he is making wrong decisions, you are powerless.
My evil sister wanted me to somehow stop my father from making funeral arrangements for my mother, until my sister could get there. She was worried he would do something “wrong”. I refused to intervene.
Johnathan Chance is correct the funeral/memorial services are the least issues in dealing with a death. I am now administering my uncle’s estate. He died last June, and there are still issues to resolve.
Just a note…in general a wake may not be the same as a memorial service. It may be more like “visiting hours” at a funeral home, without a formal service. The funeral or memorial service would be at a different time.
(I’m going by Catholic tradition which would have a wake/visiting hours before the Mass, often the day before.
And yes, be available to help in any way you’re asked, but you don’t have a lot of control over this.
I concur on the ‘get more death certificates than you think you will ever need because BOY, everyone and their brother wants one’. Order at least 20 to start with, seriously.
Maybe talking to your MIL about how she thinks you two should handle your FIL during this time might help. He has to work through his pain that he probably does not want to recognize as pain. The older generation tends to be the stiff-upper-lip emotionally constipated types.
A neighbor of my mom’s was dying with brain cancer. She made a to-do list for your husband of 45 years that was good for something like 2 years after she was gone. ( It was all seasonal things that needed to be done that couldn’t get done once her illness took over their lives.)
She gave detailed instructions on everything and after she was gone, he ticked off the list with startling effiency ( probably faster than he ever did with a list she gave him during their married years.)
He told my mom that it really helped him to do that list and the house looked awesome inside and out. Whenever he felt down in the dumps, he started to work on another part of the list.
Sorry for you and your partner going through this horrible time.
Around here the wake is the gathering after the funeral service, a celebration of the deceased’s life and an opportunity to reconnect with members of the family you’ve not seen since the last wedding or funeral.
I’m going to have to say not get many copies of the death certificate. They are expensive, $20-30 here in Maryland, and no one, and I do mean no one wanted or even said they needed a copy. I think the only one that did take one was Social Security. Everyone else just made a copy or said don’t worry about it, this included the MVA to transfer the car, the banks to close her account and open an estate account, all the credit cards, and mortgage company. It cost me a good amount after the fees to the state and fee from the funeral home. I still have all but the one sitting around.
sweetie pea–She’s in a hospital and has a social worker assigned to her/us. My SIL, feeling the need to “do something”, started calling mortuaries yesterday and called us in a tizzy to say that once she’s gone, the mortuary has to collect the body w/in 4 hours. We’ll work on getting that one straightened out.
We’ve had lots of offers of help, but FIL is very independent…
rowrrbazzle–Thanks for the link.
Jonathan Chance. Thanks…I have a feeling I might end up doing something like this, since I’m very logistics-oriented.
Boyo Jim. Believe me, I’m not second-guessing my FIL at all, but I don’t think he’ll have time to handle the planning with the church, relatives, etc. Just trying to figure out what I can do to help.
gigi. Gotcha…my partner describes Lutheran as Catholic lite, so maybe this is what she’s talking about.
Shirley Ujest. Would love to talk to MIL, but unfortunately she’s at the point where more than 2 minutes of lucid conversation is amazing (because of pain meds and lack of oxygen to her brain). At the suggestion of the doctor, we did have a conversation with her in which we told her it’s okay to go.
Thanks for the thoughts all…
I lurk a lot, and rarely post. But I do have some useful experience. My mom died of cancer last February. She already had arrangements with a local funeral home, and when she died in the hospital, the nurse in the ICU said they’d take care of things from there. I assume you only need to notify the nursing staff of whoever is taking care of her. I wouldn’t worry about time limits or such–I doubt most people who die in the hospital have everything all perfectly arranged and ready to go, and the staff certainly knows how to handle things and can help and give advice.
Since your MIL has been ill for a while, it strikes me as possible that some of these arrangements are already made. It’s entirely likely that FIL already has things in hand and that’s why he doesn’t want help. I understand SIL’s distress, but really FIL is the one who should be handling those calls, unless he indicates he wants help. You already know that, though.
IMO, just be there. My family is Catholic, and “planning” the funeral was very simple, a matter of calling the priest when it became clear that it was only a matter of a couple of days. They do funerals all the time, and there isn’t much planning involved on our end besides maybe picking songs or readings, or chosing a family member to read. I think the most complicated thing was finding a day–and in our case, we had family coming from out of town, so we could easily wait a week for a free spot. You might also offer to go to the funeral home with your FIL for the initial “business” meeting. It’s really hard to think straight in that situation, even with the funeral home doing their best to make things simple for you.
You might be a big help informing relatives–calling people who need calling to let them know. The funeral home will handle putting the obit in the paper, including any out of town papers you might want.
I want to second the recommendation to get lots of certificates–especially if there are a lot of insurance policies, or credit cards or bank accounts.
Truly, the funeral itself is the easy part, like everyone is saying.
Oh, and I wanted to add, I teared up reading that you were able to talk to your MIL a little. That’s a gift not everyone gets. My mom was unconscious pretty much from the moment we realized things were done. I know that she knew that we loved her and that we were all there, and that we would have said those things, but it’s nice to know that you did say them, and that she did hear them.