Where we can have sex.
Housework, pretty much. Although this has become less of an issue ever since realizing that the man I married has been a severely disorganized clutterer since pre-adolescence, I knew this when I married him, and expecting him to completely change is really not fair. So we negotiated a truce and it has been working very well for quite some time. There are still minor flare-ups, but nothing huge.
A common source of friction is the fact that neither of us feels we get enough free time, but that’s not really a disagreement, it’s more that we’re busy and it’s tough to make sure the other person gets as much free time as they would want.
We’re on pretty much the same page about sex, politics, child-rearing, most of the other common hot-button issues.
How we are spending our time, I suppose.
We’re both grad students, incredibly busy and it’s often very difficult for us to coordinate time together. So the majority of the time when we get on one another’s nerves it’s because one of us is being pushy for the other’s time at a time when it’s not feasible. (bleh.)
Other than that, there aren’t really any patterns, because we try to stop patterns when we see them happening, and are pretty good at resolving repeated conflicts. It’s mostly incidental (read: stupid) stuff.
Missed some stuff you asked.
In the past our most common argument was money, and those tend to be our BIGGEST arguments when they happen. It used to be based on the fact that I’m an impulsive spender and he’s a tightwad, but we divvied up our finances and developed a solid plan. The fights usually only happen when our financial situation changes and we have to make a new plan, which usually results in some misunderstandings about expectations.
The last time this happened was two months ago, when we went from a dual income household to surviving on student loans. It was like this:
**
olives**: ‘‘Hey, I really want to talk to you about money so I understand what our new situation will be and can make smart financial decisions.’’
Sr.olives: ‘‘Yeah, ok, later, I’m busy.’’
Two months later…
Sr.olives: ‘‘WTF? Why did you buy this stupid thing when you know we can’t afford it?’’
olives: ‘‘I have no freaking idea whether we can afford it or not because you refuse to have this discussion with me!’’
So after about two hours of fighting we sat down and worked out a plan, and it’s been great ever since.
It used to affect our relationship quite a bit, but since I’ve become more responsible with money and since we’ve both asserted a certain degree of individual control over our finances, it doesn’t happen all that often. We make agreements and we stick to them. The process is very boring now, and involves lots of Excel spreadsheets.
We rarely if ever have disagreements about personal values, which I feel are fundamental to the functioning of a relationship. For example, even in the money issue stated above, I still espoused a GOAL of economic stability, even if my actions weren’t yet in line with that goal. We never differed in our preferred outcome financially, it’s just that he’s much more disciplined than I am when it comes to money. As long as I’m consistently making progress, he recognizes that we share this value.
We’ve been married about 3 years, together about 7, with no kids. I consider our relationship very strong.
we do not fight often, though often enough one of us is in a bit of a pissy mood and we have a “fight”
our two biggest fights, after living together for nearly twenty years, married for eight:
- who makes ice more
- who is more clumsy
Seriously, doesn’t this make us sound like idiots? :smack:
SO and I are on the same page about all the important philosophical issues. Those seem easy for us. It’s inherent procedural issues that confound us.
I am a planner. He believes in flexibility. I want to apply some order to life. He thinks there is no way to anticipate all the contingencies that life can throw at you, so it’s best to focus your energies on what is thrown at you today.
We both see validity to each other’s approach to life, but since the focus of view is different, all sorts of conflicts arise ALL THE TIME.
**Examples: **
Vacations:
Me- Let’s take a driving trip out west
Him- Sounds great
Me- What sites would you like to see?
Him- I don’t know. Anything.
Me- Well, it’s a long distance between the Grand Canyon and the Badlands
Him- Uhh, yeah.
Me- Which direction should we take?
Him- We can head Southwest or we can go through the Dakotas.
(A long discussion ensues which can be summed up by him thinking, “You are going to suck all the excitement out of this trip.” While my thoughts are, “Have you forgotten about that roach infested motel we stayed in Orlando when we drove down on a whim during the Daytona 500?”)
Groceries:
Me- What will we eat next week?
Him- The usual.
Me- Yes, but aren’t you supposed to see your mom Wednesday? So we probably shouldn’t have chicken parmesan then because it will take to long to prepare.
(He starts to glaze over at the thought of thinking planning a weekly menu, as I feel my blood pressure rise at the thought of 400 trips to the grocery store.)
Our differing approaches to life affect all areas, how much money should be in savings, when to change jobs, how to pack luggage, whether to get pets, etc. I don’t want to imply SO is flighty. He’s a college graduate. Nor do I think I am totally inflexible, but I wouldn’t be the most objective judge of my character. We’ve been together for almost 13 years. Our relationship is strong.
I have not been able to get this little part of your post out of my head since I first read it.
I don’t know what to say about it, what advice to give, but … GAAAAGH! ::head explodes::
There’s a book for everything.
Books, TV and Food.
Luckily we eat, read and watch what we like and have learned not to try to persuade the other.
You mean geographically, or anatomically?
As for the OP, I’d say the only thing we disagree about is housework. My wife is a SAHM, so by default rather than design, the house has become her responsibility. I do what I can on the weekends, but the general cleaning falls to her. But her idea of “cleaning” means you get the big stuff, and ignore the rest.
If she’s going to “clean” the bathroom, she’ll squirt the stuff into the toilet & use the brush on it, and she’ll wipe out the sink bowls. But she’ll skip the rest of the vanity countertop, so all of the soap rings from the bottom of the dispenser, or stray hairs on the surface, or any toothpaste that may have ended up on the counter outside of the bowl- she doesn’t even see it. All the long black hairs (hers) covering the floor don’t get swept up. She’ll wipe down the walls of the shower but the floor of the tub just gets dirtier and dirtier until the 2 times a year when I get disgusted by it and clean it myself.
When I decide to clean a room, I clean the entire thing, top to bottom. Dust everything, Windex all the glass, Pledge all surfaces for fingerprints, vacuum/mop as appropriate, etc. If you’re going to do any of it, do all of it.
Other than that, we’re pretty much in total agreement on things. We have a solid marriage and don’t bother ourselves with most of the stuff that couples disagree about. Known each other for 25+ years, together for 13, married for 11, 2 kids under 10.
It probably sounds worse than it is. I’m fortunate enough that I have regular (understanding) clients with long-standing relationships, so I don’t have to worry about losing them if I refuse a contract. I’ve got just two more to wrap up (hopefully by the end of next week), which is awesome because I don’t work when my son is awake, so I only get started around 8 on weekdays and get in an hour or so on weekends during nap time.
The biggest issue is definitely the cleaning. For one thing, my husband had servants until college (he grew up in India) and never needed to learn to clean or even put his crap away, so he can do a lot of damage in very little time and it never occurs to him to prevent our son from making a mess, too. For another, he’s a huge packrat and has to consider everything he throws out very carefully - does it get filed or shredded or junked? If junked, does it get recycled or donated or tossed in the trash? If filed,… Well, you get the picture.
Visual static drives me nuts, too, even moreso now that I’m nesting. After I was caught red-handed trying to move a bookcase a few weeks ago, I’ve been banned from lifting even my laundry basket. Fortunately, if I’m specific, my husband will usually chip in on the cleaning. To make things easier, I’ve started trying to create designated areas for things to live. Now to work on the scrubbing…
The cooking is ok because I do it all on the weekend. And if I haven’t, I’ve gotten better at saying, “I need to put my feet up because they’re getting swollen. Can you manage dinner? Here’s what’s available, but I’d love it if you’d decide what we’re eating and make it, too.”
Maastricht, what a good idea! I never thought of a book. I’ll have to get that and leave it somewhere handy so he’ll have a manual.
Huh. fervour, in your vacation example, I’m him, but in the grocery example, I’m you! I’m going to need more examples to decide which one of you is wrongest. 
I’m more correct, naturally. 
If only because I have to deal with his hoarding*. We have 3 breadmakers (down from 5), 2 blenders (down from 5 too), only 53 extra rolls of toilet paper (you never know when they’re gonna shut down the TP factory), and lots of other examples. You never know exactly what a hoarder is going to choose as a subject of obsession.
*I realize that hoarding is totally unrelated to the issue which I brought up earlier.
There is literally no place in this house where I have not found a stray index card, left over from MrWhatsit’s sudden realization that he really needed to have a lot of index cards for a personal project, and he should therefore buy about 2000 of them because they were on sale. Because why buy just as many index cards as you need, when instead you could have 2000 and leave them haphazardly all over the house?
(This is my way of saying, I feel your pain.)
This one took me a while too. To make it worse, my SO sick acts just like my SO pissed off. I really can’t tell the difference. I would assume he was pissed, and ask what was wrong. Which annoyed him because he was feeling cruddy, so then he was sick AND pissed off. Now I just ask.
We tried living together in a small NYC apartment. Our household habits are so different, and we are both so inflexible, that we were in danger of breaking up. We actually did go to couple counseling. But then we discovered that the ***ONLY ***disagreements we ever have are concerning household habits. So when I relocated, he bought the house next door. We still spend just as much time together, but no arguments.
(I do have to keep myself from reversing his toilet paper roll and reorganizing his spices.)
If Mr. Ujest and I ( married 16 years, 20 years together) ever divorce it won’t be over money ( of which we have none), sex, work, chores, kids, discipline, cheating ( won’t happen with either of us.) it will be over a broom.
He thinks the best way to sweep our wood floors is with a dust mop, like this and push all the dirt and dust bunnies into a corner and leave it there. He is trying to indoctrinate our children into his method, but one of them told him you can’t just leave the piles. You aren’t finishing the job. and he was *not amused.
I know the best way to sweep the floor is with a broom and a dust pan and CLEAN UP MY PILES.
He puts the broom in the garage and uses the dust mop, putting it in the broom’s spot. I hunt down my broom in the garage and put his dust mop out there. Back and forth we go in this passive aggressive dance. We don’t even talk about it any more.
One day, when he dies and I am watching his casket be put into the Big Oven, I am so tossing in that fucking dust mop.
Our last big argument started with a casual discussion about abortion. He thinks the fetus should have rights after a certain point; I think it doesn’t until after it’s born. At least not legally. It’s funny because he’s the one that studied law (so I suppose I expected him to be less emotional about the subject). Also he tends to get pretty heated during an argument, whereas I try to stay detatched, which led to accusations of me being “a typical academic out of touch with reality,” and then it just went downhill from there.
So we won’t be talking about abortion again. :dubious:
We’ve never disagreed on anything major before or since, although we have had the odd argument about him coming home at 5am after saying “I’ll be home soon” at midnight.
We’ve been dating for not quite a year and are currently living together (with my cat - he likes her now, which is a good sign, I suppose).
Politics and food. I’m a liberal foodie; he’s a conservative who would eat fast-food bacon cheeseburgers and fries every day for the rest of his life.
Kids, money, sex, religion, even crappy house cleaning, no problem. We’ve been together for 6 years, married for about 3.5.
(We used to disagree about crappy house cleaning, until I told him if he didn’t like the way I did it, he was welcome to do it his way. We no longer disagree about that.)
I was once told by a marriage counselor that the three top three things that the vast majority of couples argue about are (in no particular order):[ul][]Sex[]Money[*]Division of labour[/ul]That’s certainly borne out by my experience with marriage.