One time when my son was about 7 or 8, I was cooking pasta and meat sauce.
Well, we had recently had our grossed out pooled drained and cleaned, and there were bull frogs at the bottom!
I put some thinly sliced mozzarella cheese with red sauce on it in a bowl and gave it to him as a snack. He asked what it was, and I told him frog guts. I made him eat it.
<snicker>
He liked it!
No kids of my own - but neices and nephew!
The nephew loves to have his hair cut really short in a crew cut. I just love to rub my hands across his sticky-up hair.
He comes to visit, looks at me and says “You’re not going to rub my hair, are you?”
I look up and blink, “Would you rather I hug you and plant big wet smoochies ALL over your face?”
The deep sigh of an 8 year old as he walks over and presents me with his hair.
Damn, I love that kid!
I love to tell my son, who is 4, that I am going eat either his feet or his butt. He KNOWS I won’t, but it still upsets him and he screams " I am not FOOD, I’m a PERSON!" To which I reply “A delicious person.”
To really annoy our 18-year-old daughter, all my wife or I have to say is “We’re very proud of you.”
She is terminally modest. 
This is an easy one - all I have to do is breathe.
My son, 13 and all-knowing, hates it when I prove that maybe he isn’t as all-knowing as he thinks. However, unlike some posters in other fora, he will grudgingly admit that maybe I have a working brain cell or two when presented irrefutable evidence. (He also hates that my house does not run like a TV courtroom, and I don’t have to ‘prove it’; it’s guilty until proven guilty, until such time as he stops being guilty all the time).
My step-daughter, 10, hates when I turn on NPR in her room to wake her up in the morning. In the winter, I add the cold hands to the feet torture. As she’s only guilty about 75% of the time, I have to be a little more careful with my ‘guilty until proven guilty’ rhetoric (but only a little).
Everyday my 6 year old son comes home from school with his mom (over dressed usually) and he’s in a hurry to show me something from school or the mail. Usually he still has his jacket & shoes on. So, I started to tell him “Hey, take off your coat & Stay A While.”
The first few times it was fine, but now it really grates on him. If he sees that expression on his face, he’ll remember and scream “Noooo…Don’t Say It…!” as he Frantically tries to lose his shoes & jacket.
Can’t wait til he gets older and asks what day it is. “Its Wednesday. All Day.”
Hmmm. My kid is 5 and I haven’t really started to torment him yet. Seems I’m way behind. I do keep looking at the book I’m reading to him and without pausing or changing the tone of my voice I’ll say “Dreamlet get your finger out of that nose!” He gets all surprised and says. “Is that really in the book?” I guess it is tormenting because I often answer “You’d know if you’d learn how to read!” (It’s not as cruel as it sounds. He does no how to read a lot of words but he’s very lazy about the whole thing.)
A friend of mine tells her children when they’re being unruly to knock it of or she’ll do to them what she did to their older brother.
“We don’t have an older brother,” is the ineviatable response. To which my friend replies, “Sure ya don’t. . .now”
My sister got a pair of pretty slippers as a young child. Whenever she wore them Mom would pretend Sis was invisible. She didn’t say anything like “Oh she must have the magic slippers on” She just acted as if she could not see or hear my sister if she had those slippers on. This is the same woman who wonders why her children went into therapy. . .
My daughter is 5. I squeeze her and kiss her all over her face.
She giggles hysterically but then scowls at me when I stop.
Sing in church, Really loud.
Or call my son in from outside by yelling, “Beddy bye time! Time to put on your little jammies and go nye-nye! You can wear the ones with little spaceships!”
He’s fourteen. I’m evil. It works out.
Regards,
Shodan
I tease my daughter (age six) by telling her that we are going to change her name to Hossenpfeffer. I’m always telling her “OK, next week I’m going to court to have it done…”
Zev Steinhardt
Ooooh, Shodan, I’m going to have to try this one!
Knowing my son, if I did that, the last I’d see of him would be his tennis shoes rounding the far corner of the block.
I could do it in private, but if I did it in public…hoo boy.
When my 9 year old daughter and I are in the car and I see a pick up truck with furniture or appliences in it, I say,“Look! they’re taking their furniture for a ride!”
She promptly rolls her eyes and says “Mo-om! They’re moving!”
I think this annoys her so because I used to say this when she was little.
I also try to interject something she said when she was little in the conversation, whenever I can…That gets a “Mo-om stop using my baby words!”
He also hates it when I call him Sweetie-Petey Angel Pie. He’s 18.
I sing . . . in public. Usually I sing their school song, and then I’ll ask them to sing along. My oldest (11 year old girl) is absolutely mortified, expecially if any of her friends happen to be within a half-mile or so.
My oldest two are 16 and 18. They are still learning the fine art of flirting in public. Often, they will point out some studly young male speciman to me, then ooohh and ahhh, whilst making discreet glances from beneath their lashes. It annoys and embarrasses them to no end when I walk right up to the guy and engage him in conversation, usually pointing back at them as I talk.
My two are 19 and 15, and when they have done something nice for me or someone else (which seems pretty rare really) I go all serious on them and say:
“You know, {long thoughtful pause} you are absolutely my favorite {son/daughter as appropriate}.”
They give me the whithering look, and say:
“I am your ONLY son/daughter!”
To which I reply:
“Yes, but if I had a thousand clones of you, you’d still be my favorite.”
Drives 'em nuts…they just don’t get it.