Mine are becoming immune to my small acts of annoyance.
Like when they say “Mommy, ya know what?” and I say “Chicken Butt” they don’t even roll their eyes anymore. When I start singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” really, really loudly, they don’t seem to care. If I see them walking home from school on the street and yell “Whassup, dog?” they no longer even bat an eye.
They still have the power to annoy the crap outta me. I need some new ideas here.
You know you do it. On purpose.
I torment my children as often as possible. When they were younger, I used to pretend I didn’t know who they were. Get out of my house!!! Go find your parents!!! I’m calling the police!!! My longest torment event lasted 45 minutes.
When my 10 yr old boy is walking with friends, I’ll drive up and start talking like the whitest “homey” you’ve ever heard. “Hey dogs, how is it hanging? Will you and your pals perform ollies on your skating boards later?”
My 7 yr old daughter, is untouchable. Just wait til she’s 14.
My oldest boy (he’s 12) is SOOOOOOOOOOO much into girls, that all I have to do is to mention a girl in his school. All I have to do is mention her name. That’s it. He goes into a tizzy. I don’t do it much…it’s such a sore spot with him.
Child torment… the vengeance of mothers!!! The only one that’s fun right now is the 6 year old. (the 3 year old is immune).
Ask him a huundred times if he wants “chicken beans” for dinner. (what he used to call baked beans cuz of KFC when he was 3) To this day, I don’t think he knows what they are, just that he doesn’t want em for nothing!
Wear a shirt backwards. (He’s WAY too organized to deal with that)
If I wear a tie, he goes NUTS.
He’s a little boy… put on some “fuck me now” red lipstick and leave a big print on his cheek… (ewwwww cooties)
Me singing… (can’t blame him, but drives him batty)
And my favorite though I’m innocent… I’m new to the midwest, so I’m new to tornadoes. When the tornado siren went off, neighbors told me what it was. I told him anytime he hears the siren, he needs to get home NOW cuz it means the big wind will come and blow him away forever. NOW, whenever he is out playing and hears a fire truck or a car alarm, he breaks down the door to get into the house with a look of utter panic on his face cuz the TOMATO is coming to Blow him away from us. Oh god it slays me. I prey on fear. So naturally I milk it out and am never gonna tell him the difference. I hope he’s 18 and runs like hell home to escape the TOMATO that’s coming. ;D
I can’t wait for them to be teenagers. My presence will embarrass them. I will go out of my way to do it, wearing a bunny slipper on one foot and a thigh high boot on the other for bake sales and taking him to school. And I live for the first dates. I have pictures of him that are just waiting to be shown to the lucky girls! Bwahahahahhahaa
This worked for a while. Whenever a friend of the teens called, I would carry on a conversation with them for a few minutes before handing over the phone. I don’t pretend not to listen to conversations in the car, I actively participate.
(Teen 1) “Do you know Jimmy Smith”
(Teen 2) “No, I don’t think so, why?”
(Teen 1) Well he re-dedicated his life to Christ last night at church, and this is so weird, cuz he told my dad just a few weeks ago that he didn’t think he believed in anything anymore."
(Me) So, I guess that makes him a LIAR, now doesn’t it?"
(insert crickets chirping…Here)
What really drove my teen nuts was the time she called from school (she had stayed after), and found out her best friend was here visiting. “What is she doing there when I am not home?!!”
I put peanut butter on her nose. She goes crazy trying to lick it off. Oh, wait. That’s for dogs…
I guess since my CRB is only 1, I can’t do too cruel of things. Raspberries on her belly are about the extent of what I can do.
I sing the current, brittany, christina or mandy song, loudly and badly–in front of their friends.
Then I dance making sure to jerk my head just like Vanilla Ice whilst shaking my groove thing vigorously and squealing “I just love to dance–I taught Missy all my smokin moves”.–In front of their friends.
Then I compliment all the girls on their accesories
Ooh Brandy that necklace is so bitchin’
Ohmigawd Chrissie tell me where you got that miniskirt–I want one just like it. You don’t think I’m too fat to wear a mini do ya?
Jaimie I love that eyebrow ring–I’ve been thinking about getting more body piercings, I think they are so kewl. Oooh and tattoos 'cuz they are sooooo kewl.
Then I drink several shots of tequila, stand up and announce “OK WHO WANTS TO SEE MY PIERCED NIPPLES???”
Ah kids, I love 'em.
Acting like I’m “cool” in front of their friends no longer works. They have informed all of them that their mother is crazy. Now they just sadly shake their heads and their friends nod consolingly.
I’ve got one trick for each that still works. I use “little boy” as an endearment for my son. “Come here little boy and give your mother a hug.” “Of course you can have some soda, little boy.” 13 year olds do not like being called “little boy”
I can still get my daughter by telling her her dad is with his “other family” or pretending she never had a dad.
Her: Where’s Daddy?
Me: His other daughter had an emergency and he had to take her to the hospital.
or
Me: Daddy? Why would a test tube baby be asking about her Daddy?
This still bugs her even at 13. It’s all I got though. I’m running dry.
Make friends with their friends 
They HATE this…
Why do kids hate when you sing?
I know i’m not that good, but really, I like to sing.
Even the theme songs to cartoon shows.
ANybody else like the Alvin&Chipmunks song?
Nooooo…my son watches it every morning, and I loathe it. And I know all the words. And now I can’t get it out of my head. Thank you, *vanilla. Doo…doo…doo doo doo doo!
I drive my son crazy by standing in front of the TV when Scooby-Doo is on, sticking out my tongue and saying, “I’m a zipper! I’m a zipper!”
Or doing Ralph Wiggum impressions for a long time.
Or talking…really…slowly…
Or calling him “Susie” in front of his friends. This really drives him up a wall.
What doesn’t bother my son is me imitating Patrick the Starfish from Spongebob.
We love him!
Funny thread, Biggirl!
I have several ways of annoying my oldest son. He’s six. The best way to get him is to pretend that Nathan isn’t his real name. Once, his dad and I convinced him that his name was really Lochmeil but we had been calling him Nathan by mistake. Oh how he hated this. For some reason I’ve taken to calling him Spiff Lou these days. He HATES that.
Another way to annoy him is to repeat everything he says. Ad nauseum!
And finally, to annoy my son to the nth degree, I start singing very loudly whenever he start talking. As soon as the first syllable comes out, I start singing. He gets SO pissed off. I’m giggling now as I type this.
Now that is quality entertainment!!!
It’s sounds like you are a master torment queen.
Funny stuff.
I don’t have kids. I’d like to but I don’t know if I ever will. That’s beside the point, however. I only wish to contribute the following:
The fun of parenting is that you can torment your children even when they are not children anymore! Last year, at the age of 24, I was trying to decide whether to buy this car. It wasn’t going to cost me any more than my old one, and I was approved for the loan and could afford it. But I really wanted Mom to tell me it was okay, to go ahead. I’d never made that big a decision myself, you see. It’s creepy that now I sometimes WANT to be told what to do…anyway, she wouldn’t do it! She told me, “It’s up to you, it’s your decision.”
Words I would have KILLED to hear at sixteen or seventeen. It drove me up the wall! (I did buy the car, though.) Now we have fun tormenting my nearly seventeen-year-old brother – thanks to the wonder of modern communication technology, I hear about his exploits and can torture him about them from several hundred miles away. I’m sure that’s saved me a few bruises. g