I maintain that everyone deserves to be treated with respect until they have proven otherwise.
In the workplace, there is one woman I do not like to deal with. I answer her questions and that is it. I do not get into conversations or discuss personal matters with her.
As I tell new people “You have to get along with people. Nobody is saying you have to like them.”
That falls under “treating a common area as if it was her own space”, which it isn’t and it’s not acceptable. I do tend to do that same stuff, and I’ve had coworkers who shared the tendency; I stop it when I notice myself doing it, never saw anybody react with anything other than “oops, sorry! :o” when anybody pointed it out. It’s simply not appropriate, same as it wouldn’t be appropriate to go to the office in nothing but underwear (no matter how clean and pretty). What’s OK in one’s own space isn’t always OK in a shared area.
In general I do challenge myself to “shut up and grow up”, but when something specific bothers me I also ask myself if it’s normal to be bothered by it (being bothered by someone humming is normal; being bothered because someone’s beard is untrimmed is not) and will call people on behavior that’s not “just me being picky”, it’s them being impolite.
I am a happy go lucky person 99% of the time. It is hard to piss me off; I let a lot of the little shit slide, it’s not worth it. But I’m no pushover, I stand my ground when the line is crossed. That said, there are some people who cannot cope with the concept that people can be happy most of the time. The problem is theirs, not mine. You want to go through life as a sore, angry, disgruntled prick, be my guest, but don’t project it onto me. You are the asshole for disliking me because I’m enjoying life.
You’re coworkers. You’re going to need to be around her no matter what, so there really isn’t a “stay away” option. For the annoying things that she shouldn’t be doing (singing with her music out load, for example), I’d kindly let her know it bugs me. She likely doesn’t realize that it can bother you. I’ve known people like that, and I’ve told them, and they’d been fine with it.
The rest? Yeah, challenge thoughts. Especially the thoughts where you agree with her because she’s down on herself. That’s a mental health thing. It bothers me that people actually push that as valid, to dislike someone because they are down on themselves.
Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with minimizing contact with people who bother you. I just don’t see that as a viable option. And I think believing someone is bad because they put themselves down is horrible.
When I analyze WHY someone annoys me, that old saying rings true: “The things that bother you about others are the things you need to work on yourself.” Hell, yeah. But that doesn’t excuse you, Miss Didn’t-Get-Hugged-Enough-And-Laughs-Too-Loud-At-Her-Own-Jokes-Just-Like-Digs-But-Why-Would-You-Want-To-Be-Anything-Like-Him?
Okay, that’s half the time. The other half, they are flawed human beings that need to stay out of my way so that I can remain unsullied by their negative vibes as I get under their skin by enjoying life.
Don’t discount intuition. Sometimes someone just feels ‘wrong’.
So true! It might be as simple as “this person just rubs me the wrong way”, or they may be a full-on sociopath.
In the OP’s case, it sounds like the former. The best thing to do is be civil and interact with her only when and if necessary.
What do you mean by “social parasite”?
We’ve all met that person. They suck all the oxygen out of a room. They’re always too loud, too gester-ing and flashy. Just too much ‘everything’, boy I can run fast when i sense that. I have a really gregarious and loudmouthed friend who likes to run interference for me. She’s a good tool to utilize. She suffers no fools. Altho’ she’s not the person I would’ve ever chosen for a friend she’s turned into my best friend. So sometimes your initial instincts can be wrong. I’m trying to make myself give people more than a few minutes. It really is hard to do. I’m working on it everyday. If I’m not careful I will isolate myself from everyone. That’s just a sad way to be. I don’t want to be like that.
I don’t know if this is what HMS Irruncible meant, but my coworker does seem socially “parasite-ish” when she does the over-the-top self-denigration thing. It strikes me as a way for her to force others to feel sorry for her and throw assurances at her. Most people are going to respond to “I’m so stupid, I don’t know what I’m doing!” with something nice and reassuring. And most people will be moved to step in and do whatever task needs to be done to placate someone who says something like this.
I think it is very possible my coworker is manipulative without even knowing she’s being manipulative.
She’s also an over-apologizer–the kind of person who apologizes for the smallest thing, even stuff you don’t notice or care about. Even stuff she didn’t have any part in. I have told her repeatedly when her apologies aren’t warranted, but she still does it. I know this is an anxiety thing, but it also quite feels manipulative. “If I apologize for my every mistake, people will feel sorry for me and won’t get angry at me when I really screw up.”
And if we haven’t, then maybe we are!
That’s exactly what I meant by social parasite. I don’t know if these people are conscious of what they’re doing, there’s no way to know their actual thoughts. But from the outside it looks like they’ve determined to do the most slack, shoddy work they possibly can, and they pre-emptively insulate themselves from accountability by being ingratiating and self-deprecating. It’s hard to yell at someone who just brought muffins, it’s hard to deprecate someone who is already doing their best at self-deprecation. It almost seems planned. These people piss me off even more than the garden-variety screwups, because their pre-emptive expectation settings means they can’t be trained or remedied. Y’know, because they said they’re so dumb. It’s like they’ve decided they aren’t going to try, but they’re also definitely not going to give up their position.
/rant