I’m in a position where I HAVE to give out the money - I’m the trustee for my niece and nephews, and my niece is just blowing through community college the way she blew through high school, you know, not bothering to show up. And the thing is, I don’t have any way at all to punish her for wasting the money. I have to give it to her, and actually when she turned 21 I had to offer it to her in full. (For once in her life she actually had some damned sense and left it in my hands, but that means it’s still… in my hands. And on my mind, and in my nightmares, but I digress.) She’s 21, has never held a job, has zero skills. I think every semester she probably thinks “this time will be different!” but it never is.
I feel bad for her because obviously her parents never gave her any real life coping skills, she’s really never had a role model who got up every morning and went to work, etc. But I think about what this approximately 25K could do for pretty much every single one of her classmates… god it makes me sick. Absolutely sick.
And then you know what’s going to happen. She’s going to come to me once the money’s gone. Thankfully my husband will probably have the guts to not let me continue to enable her at that point when it ain’t our money.
For your niece, how about buying her an annuity? That way she gets $X/month and that’s all she gets. It sounds like she’d just blow through the lump sum anyway if she got her hands on it.
I’m tasked specifically with distributing funds for education or medical expenses until she turns 21. At 21, she had the option for 60 days to request in writing that I give her the whole trust sum. Since she did not take advantage of that, I continue to distribute, as is my duty. She can, however, now request disbursements of certain amounts a certain number of times a year; I think at age 30 she automatically gets everything.
Of course, had she decided to take it all, I would have counseled either that she leave the money with the fund manager it’s with, or purchase an annuity, or something like that. But it isn’t my call. (I did have a straight talk with her about her dad and that he absolutely would take that money if he got a chance, and explained that her grandfather’s wishes were… otherwise.)
Well… I’m glad I cooled off before confronting her. I got over myself. I appreciate everyone’s advice. Tough love is undoubtedly the best prescription, but if I’m honest with myself it’s awfully hard (for me) to be a hard ass with my own kid regardless of her age if she’s telling me she wants to progress and do better. I think I will always fall for that line. From the 20,000 foot view it looks awful and utterly dysfunctional but close up I see bits of myself in her and regardless of her bad choices I want so much for her to succeed and get on with life. It’s distressing to think that taking a beating by life is the only way some people learn, but life cannot be an endless series of financial rescues for a 29 year old.
In the near term I’m done with giving her money. she will have to fund the next semester herself. I’ll keep the cell phone active until November when the contract terminates then end it or let her transfer the # to her own account. She’s going to be 30 this year. It’s really time for her to get on with it.
Glad to hear you took the time to be calmer and more circumspect, very wise.
You should know the ‘tough’, part of the ‘tough love’, isn’t about being tough on the kid, like the parents always think. No, the tough is on the parents. 100%. Try not to forget that.
(Also have you seen the film, The Judge, with Robert Downey Jr? If not, I recommend it. I think you’ll enjoy it.)