I’ve lost quite a bit of weight in the past few years. I can’t give a precise number because it wasn’t purposeful; that is, I didn’t decide one day to get rid of the unhealthy fat. I lost the weight because (a) I’m terrified of going blind, having a stroke, or dying because of my type-2 diabetes, and thus I got into a regular exercise routine; and (b) my actual wife was determined to see me eat better and so not only nudges me to do so at home but nudges my work wife to do the same at work.
Anyway, I’ve shed a lot of mass. I don’t know exactly how much because there was no conscious starting point, but I’ve gone from a 42-inch waist to a 34-inch, so the vast majority of my suits, pants, and shirts are too big for now. At a recent gathering of my nuclear and extended family, the cousins who hadn’t seen me in years were surprised by and complimentary of the new, skinny me.
But weight loss is not the needed change in myself that the thread title refers to. What I need to change is my attitude towards fat people. I’ve caught myself thinking ugly thoughts about fat persons I’ve seen easily. “Why have you allowed yourself to get so disgusting?” I begin thinking–as if I myself ever set out to get fat. “Don’t you have any self-control?” I say silently – as if my adherence to an exercise routine was motivated by anything but terror, and as if it weren’t Kim and Stephanie’s support (and nagging) that keeps me eating healthy.
I don’t like thinking this way. It’s ugly; it’s unkind; it’s against the real-world Rhymer Rules. It’s something I need to fix if I am to approve of myself.
But that’s just me. What do YOU need to change about yourself to maintain your own self-respect?
I’m not the social butterfly I used to be. I seem to become more and more reclusive the older I get.
I also tend to get cranky when I’m taken out of my routine. Like when out of town family members want to stay at my place for a few days to visit.
I probably should try to change these things about me but I probably wont because I feel no real motivation to do so.
I need to stop telling myself that Im a pretty darn good parent because Im mostly hip to who my teens are talking to, what music they like, who their friends are etc etc, because for the most part Ive become a lazy mom. I’m too quick to run out and get them what they ask for, not that they bombard me with outlandish requests. The kids really never ask for anything at all other than an occasional trip to the movies, maybe once a month. They do have the newest electronics, but their wardrobes leave something to be desired.
Its too easy for me to tell the teens to make dinner, let the dogs out, help with their 15 yo autistic brother so he doesnt go stir crazy. I feel like Im not actively participating enough in their lives other than running a regular “how’s so and so doing, how was class today, you came in late last night, dont forget to take your laundry out…”
I am a success in at least one Mom factor, I excel in feeling guilty.
I’m not an active person. Left to myself I spent too much time surfing the net… and writing my novels.
I am, now, in the habit of taking an hour-long walk every day. That and my daily housekeeping assignment, and wherever I may or may not take my 3yo daughter, constitute my movement for the day. I spend a lot of time sitting. I have a weight problem. It would be better if I was more or less on my feet all day.
Lately I’ve been far too irritable, especially when driving. Yes, it’s true that there is far more traffic around here than the 200 year old cow paths were designed to take and no one around here knows how to read a speed limit sign and press the “go faster” pedal until the speedometer actually matches that number, but that doesn’t excuse the Very Bad Language I use on a daily basis. I suspect I’ll live longer if I learn to dial it down a couple of notches.
The wonderful juxtaposition between my antipathy toward authority figures and holding them to very high standards, and the real world where people are cunts.
And of course, how did I get here? Well, it all starts with me figuring out at a very young age that I was broken and unlike normal people, and that it was not ever going to be possible to have the approval of my father, who held me in open contempt for not being the son he wanted to have.
I think I’ve moved too far in the “don’t care what anyone thinks” direction.
As a kid, I cared about being “good”. I hated getting in trouble with authority figures, and I tried my best in school so that I would never be disappointing to them. But I didn’t give a flying fuck about trying to impress my peers. Even when it was clear they weren’t impressed with me, their opinions didn’t concern me. I tried to be kind to everyone who showed kindness towards me, but I didn’t do more than that.
This feature of my character has truly protected me from a lot of pain and anxiety. But I think I am so used to being my own person and being true to my own values that I am psychologically unable to fit in. Because “fitting in” requires caring what others think to a certain degree. And for me, it is dangerous to care. If I start caring, that’s when the embarrassment, disappointment, and worrying creep in.
Like, today I couldn’t speak very well. I don’t know what happens to me, but I swear sometimes it feels like the area of my brain that controls language just doesn’t operate. Someone can ask me the easiest question, and I’ll open my mouth to respond and just start saying random, nonsensical words. Or I’ll…speak…like…this…as…I…try…to…figure out what…I want to…say…next. I sound like an idiot, but the embarrassment is short-lived and rolls off my back. But if I let myself care more about what others thought about me, I’d be too scared to open my mouth. I’d be too afraid to get out of bed and go to work. I would be a blubbering, crippled mess.
I fear I’m so tough that I don’t know how to be soft. I wish I wasn’t quite so like this.
I had a similar idea for myself. I could really use just one more point in Intelligence to put myself into a range where I could really bank on it. I could also use a point or two more CHA because this game definitely disincentivizes powergamers who dump Cha. I’d also really like to get my WIS out of the negative modifiers, at least.
I should really just beg the GM for a reroll, because there isn’t much I can really do with what I’ve got now.
I work at home, which means I don’t even need to get out of my sleep clothes most of the time, unless I’m going out later in the day. I’m lazy and I’ve been eating like crap, which means I’ve gained weight, and I don’t like any of that.
When I’m not working, I’m writing novels, or watching TV. So I need to kick myself in the butt, get more active, spend more time exercising and less time sitting, and just generally get myself back into some kind of shape I’m not annoyed about.
I turn 50 in a couple of weeks. I’ve decided I’m going to start then. Good a time as any, right?
As for my character–he’s doing pretty well these days. I don’t think he needs to change anything, except learn to be a bit more emotionally open and stop trying to dodge commitment by being a smartass. And he could probably stand to get a little better with combat magic, since he’s been using it a lot these days.
Procrastination. Lack of follow-through and stick-to-it-iveness. Lack of self-discipline.
These are all sometimes things; I usually pull things together before they actually create serious consequences in my life. But they do still damage my self-esteem.
I also sympathize with OP’s difficulty with attitudes towards other people. In my case it’s more a case of comparing myself to others, like “I may have put on weight, but I’m not as fat as that person.” Completely pointless, of course, but it pops up in my head whether I like it or not. I do try to fight it, most of the time.
The world is full of boring power gamers demanding 10% interest on top of their XP. They are BORING and DULL and they know it. Their time is so valuable? Let them know that Elsewhere is holding a sale & they should check it out!
Get through it all as best you can. Heal when you can & don’t forget that those things in your inventory are meant to be used, not just admired. Find a filter for when other people party-bitch.
Also, if you suddenly find you’re in a tight spot where your team mates are just as big if not bigger A-holes than the monsters you are facing, its not you. You’re just in the Wrong Party.
