What do you say to obnoxious theatre "talkers"

In My Humble Opinion
21

I will certainly cut an infrequent whisperer all the slack in the world, but few things bother me more thoroughly than movie talkers.

I’m fairly scary looking. 6’1", athletic 175 lbs., goatee, long black hair and pretty intense eyes, especially when I’m annoyed.

I turn, give them my best “I’d just as soon kill you as not” look, and say, “For fuck’s sake, would you PLEASE shut your god damned mouth?!” Then I stare at them if their response is anything other than immediately looking away and shutting up. This works particularly well on teenage boys.

Sunday, my girlfriend and I caught an early show of “Kiss of the Dragon”. There were no fewer than five toddlers in the theater. Why anyone is taking their preschooler to a Jet Li flick is beyond me, but that’s another thread.

Most of the time, most of the kids were okay, but one couple sitting in the back row of the front section had their 18-24 month old little girl with them. She was doing the gibberish thing solidly after the first 30 min of the movie.

I excused myself from my girlfriend, went down and said (in a very firm whisper only he could hear) to the father (Not wanting to get his protectiveness up by confronting the mother who was holding the child), “You know, there’s a reason they have that screen in the cycle before the preview about please take your yawling little chunk of spawn into the lobby when she starts being loud and annoying the living shit out of rest of the theater. Care to guess what that reason is?”

He looked at me for about five seconds, saw I wasn’t going to blink, leaned over to his wife, whispered something to her, picked up the kid and left for about 20 minutes. When he stood up, I noticed his shirt said, “Big Daddy”.

22

I don’t say anthing if he’s talking through the previews, but if he gets going during the movie and I sense displeasure around us, I put my hand in his lap. This invariably refocuses his concentration.
I refer to my SO, not just any movie-talker, although I’d bet it would work just as well if not better.

23

If the person is an adult, I usually say “How can you possibly think it is OK to jabber like that in a movie theater? You have been out of your house before, right?”

If they are a kid, I usually say “It’s rude to talk during a movie.”

However, I have been known to say “Shut yer damn pie hole!” to both when the occassion calls for it.

On a related note, I was in a theater once when some kids were pointing one of those laser things at the screen. I was about to say something when this HUGE dude stood up, turned around, and yelled “If I find out who’s doing that I’m going to hurt you so bad you’ll wish you were dead!!!”

I stood up and clapped, as did some other people in the theater.

24

Some time ago, we went to see a movie at the local mall, and discovered it was apparently a major hangout for local kids. After a brief discussion, we decided to risk it. Of course, we had to be seated behind several loud and obnoxious teenagers. The theatre was too crowded to find another seat, so about ten minutes into the feature, I leaned forward and told them to shut up. I got some dirty looks, and about halfway through the movie, a handful of popcorn arched up from the row in front. Before it even landed, I gave the thrower’s seat a mighty kick, nearly knocking the kid out of his chair. I gave a very insincere apology, and then pretended not to notice the glares.

As we were leaving the theatre, I was watching the kids out of the corner of my eye. Sure enough, the kid whose seat I’d kicked starting heading straight for us, only to be held up by the surging crowd. We headed for the glass elevator out in the mall, and got there just as the door opened. The kid ran up, and leaned nonchalantly against the railing for a few seconds. Just as the doors started to close, he darted into the elevator. Now, you have to picture the scene: this kid was taller than me (I’m only 5’10"), but skinny as a rail. He had 'Hood scarf tied over his head, but I’m sure he’d never seen anything rougher than a dinner knife (deep in the wilds of suburbia, as we were). He stepped very close to me, and tried to look intimidating, but I had about 100 lbs on him. I grabbed his shoulder and squeezed (I have a fairly powerful grip from years of playing squash – that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it :)), pushing down until he was on his knees, with tears in his eyes. I resisted the temptation to do more (honestly thinking that the cops probably wouldn’t be too forgiving given the difference in our sizes). I wish I’d said something truly witty, or Eastwood-esque, but all I could come up with was: “Be very sure of what you’re getting into before you jump, kid.”

[sub]Whew! Think that was long enough?[/sub]