It never fails.
Every time Mrs. Chalupa and I go to the movies, we invariably end up sitting in front of gabby people. Or rather, gabby people end up sitting behind us (we were sitting first).
Sometimes, it’s just kids singing along to the songs in Disney movies (offkey normally). Oftentimes, it’s people asking their cohort things like “what does that mean?” or “what’s going to happen next?” Then we have the guy who’s seen the flick already and is telling his buddy the punchline a half second before the character does or says “this is great…!” before a particularly funny scene.
But usually it’s a bunch of idiot teens/young adults/drunks who think their inane comments are adding to the film, like they’re really funnier than the writers are (in our case, they never are). Or that I paid twenty bucks to listen to their chatter, not to watch the movie.
What do you say to @$$holes like these? What have been some of your favorite comments/retorts? The last time this happened to us, I merely said: “You know, there’s a lobby out there if you really feel compelled to talk this loudly…”
Yeah, pretty lame. Can anyone help me be more witty/cutting?
I didn’t say this, but the guy four rows ahead of me did.
(ahem) Shut …
the fuck! …
UP!
This was to a party of eight, half of whom came in late and talked loudly throughout the previews (no great crime here) but into the opening credits.
They quieted down instantly, except for one idiot who had to keep talking to her neighbor. He repeated his statement, adding emphasis a line earlier, and someone else jumped up and got the usher to come in and threaten them with expulsion. They shut up immediately.
I hardly think I’m witty, but I may as well jump in here and increase my post count:
During The Truman Show these three teenage girls (I’m guessing they were 15-ish) kept talking. The one in the middle was the worst. She kept saying, “Oh, this is great. It’s the part where he [explanation of a scene that was in a commercial].” I finally turned around and said, “Excuse me, but we haven’t seen this yet.” She said something to the effect that she hadn’t either (I kinda figured, since we went opening day), but that she’d seen commercials and previews. I said, “Well for those of us that don’t watch TV 24-7, we’d like to be surprised about what’s coming.” She made some snotty remark about me to her friends, then shut up.
During Mission Impossible 2, there were three boys (I’m guessing about 12 or 13 years old) sitting up toward the front. The whole place could hear them making their oh-so-witty comments. I finally walked up and said to the noisiest one, “If you don’t cut out all the noise in the next ten seconds, I am going to have your butts thrown out of here, and then you can sit nicely in the lobby while you wait for your mom to come pick you up. I don’t want to hear another sound coming from this direction.” Every few minutes for the rest of the movie, they would turn around and stare at me in fear.
Yesterday, we went to see The Score. This guy behind me started talking the second the production company logo showed up. I turned around and asked, “Are you planning to do that through the whole movie?” He said to his date, “What the hell’s her problem?” He never made another sound. I was tempted that time (since he was explaining stuff to his date) to say, “If you think she’s too dumb to understand the movie, maybe you should rent at home so you can give her your expert commentary.” I didn’t say it because it would have sounded like I was insulting the date, and she wasn’t doing anything. In fact, she had been shooshing him the whole time.
(Sorry that was so long)
After a few minutes of “Oooo, I like her hair… isn’t he one from that other movie?..”, I hold an imaginary microphone to her mouth. Once she notices, she usually shuts up. But then it’s hard for me not to be in trouble.
I am one of those “theater talkers.” However, my friend and I always sit in the back corner, where we think no one will sit by us. If someone does sit near us, we get up and move so as not to bother them later with our talking. We try not to talk very loudly - just whisper in each others’ ears. Not all “theater talkers” are bad, though.
I hate it when people tell me to shut up. I don’t complain when the kid behind me kicks my seat, or when people laugh obnoxiously at trite jokes, or when the couple next to me is getting too touchy-feely. I guess you all are making the point that you shouldn’t have to put up with BS in a public theater, which is a perfectly valid point. We’ll have to agree to disagree, then.
I was stuck behind a couple of the blue-rinse set who thought it was a good idea to talk during the movie… they weren’t even talking about the movie, just gossiping. I put my head between the two of theirs and said, very softly: “They made me check my serial killer persona at the door, but if you like, I can go back and fetch it.”
Not only did they stop talking, they found someplace else to sit.
I’m a theatre-talker, sometimes. At any rate I love talking during the previews. When I went to see Final Fantasy with my friends, we talked all throughout the previews, not loudly, not even conversational-tone, but softly. Someone sitting in our row leaned over and (very politely) asked if we’d be talking through the movie, in which case they’d like to know soon so they could move. We (very politely) responded that no, we wouldn’t be. It was quite a civil exchange.
However, I can be bothered by obnoxious theatre-talkers as much as the next guy. I like the “shut the fuck up” ploy. When I went to see Godzilla (the one with Matthew Broderick, heh) some annoying kids in front of me were talking incessantly, loudly, and making stupid jokes about the movie. It barely detracted from the quality of the film, but it was distracting nonetheless. Their mother was sitting right there next to them and did nothing, even after I politely asked them to pipe down once. So after they started talking again, I tapped one of the kids on the shoulder, dug into my pocket, and offering him a coin, said “I’ll give you a quarter if you shut the fuck up!” He just felt dumb. But after about 15 more minutes, they started talking again. So that time I tapped the mom on the shoulder and offered her the same deal. She didn’t take it, but she was shamed into action. I still chuckle whenever I think of that.
When I saw 'Crouching Tiger. Hidden Dragon", there were 3 teenage boys in the front row, away from most of us, who were loudly treating it as ‘Mystery Science Theatre 3000’ opportunity.
I got up from my seat and went down to the front row and sat right next to them. (I’m 6’1", 215, bald, goatee, I could be an extra in prison film) They sat nervously silent for about 15 minutes, then got up and left.
It’s one thing to whisper quietly now and then to a friend, but devoted theater talkers are, IMO, among the rudest people on the face of the planet. If you want to have a chat with somebody, what the hell are you going to a movie for? My best friend and I don’t get to hang out too often, and if it’s been an especially long time we deliberately choose dinner or window-shopping over a movie because we don’t see movies as a place to talk!
The most I have ever done is turn around and “Ssssh” someone. I hate public confrontations (which is what telling a stranger to put a sock in it sounds like to me), so I usually sit stewing for a while as Mr. or Ms. Chatty blathers on and on. This hasn’t happened in a while; my WAG is that since my bf and I end up going to late shows most of the time, maybe those crowds are more adult or something. Hard to say, since I know “grown-ups” can be just as awful with the talking as teens and kids.
I also despise seat-kickers and the “I just have to stretch and shove your seat forward, puny girl” types. This only applies to theaters with those sort of rocking-back seats. I sympathize if there’s not enough leg room for you, and I’ll ignore it if it’s just once or twice or even more if it’s done politely, but that doesn’t give you the right to repeatedly jerk my seat so hard the whole thing bounces. When this happens, I will shove back as hard as I can without embarrassing whoever I’m with.
My best friend was telling me recently about how someone’s cell phone kept ringing when she saw A.I. Three times, the same person’s phone. Obviously not someone with an emergency, because he didn’t leave. Finally someone on the other side of the theater yelled “Turn your damn phone off!” Bravo!
That’s so funny, because when I left “The Score” after sitting through a couple talking next to me the whole time, I thought about starting this very thread. I need help and these are some great ideas.
I had the woman next to me saying “I don’t trust him” the whole time and she and her husband explaining things to each other. The trouble is, I live in a small town and I know I would see these people again in some other situation and couldn’t really let them have it. I tried looking their way with a vaguely appalled look on my face but they didn’t catch on. How they found that much to talk about in such a straightforward movie I don’t know but they sure kept it up.
It’s one thing to lean over and whisper almost inaudibly directly into your friend’s ear. Anything else is unacceptable.
agh…damn that clear fields button and its clever placement next to the submit button… must retype
i got “excused” from a theater once… but not for talking… i was trying to squeeze past a guy when i had all this food and he wasn’t moving out of the way at all… I lost my balance and ended up sitting on the chair next to him where he’d conveniently placed his little baby… the baby was unhurt and i appologized profusely but he went and had the guy ask me to leave anyway
what i find infintely more annoying that the theater talker is the theater einstein… you know the guy… usually there with a date… somehow didn’t catch on to the dozens of clues that had been provided in the preceding 30 minutes… and finally 10 seconds before something happens he goes “oh shit he’s gonna…” or “hey that’s the guy that…” … so fucking smart… i wanna smack em every time…
then there’s the bizarre fact that the black people in my town laugh 10 times louder than members of any race but taht’s for another thread
oops…it appears in my haste to retype my post I forgot my response to the OP…
what usually works is pulling out a gun and saying “you have until I count to three to sew your mouth shut and swallow your tongue until the credits roll”
I shush people once and if they continue to talk I go get an usher. I have no sympathy for people that take babies to the theatre to see anything other than appropriately aimed material either (like Disney cartoons and like minded material). If the stupid crackhead baby starts squirming or crying I shush them once and if they continue go to an usher. My favourite story about that involved the same couple and three whiney ass kids two different times.
The first time I went to see the Star Trek the next Penetration movie (or whatever it was really called). Anyway this couple comes in with their three kids, talks all through the previews, has their youngest (about a year or so old) crying the whole time, with the other two fighting amongst themselves and playing with noisy car keys, periodically kicking my seat, and pretty much doing everything else imaginable that is annoying. I shushed them once, their neighbors told them to control their kids, and the man got defensive and said something very angrily like, “What the fuck, they are kids.” Well, they quieted down for all of two seconds with no attempt from either of the two parents (all the kids were under the age of 5 and too young to really be there anyway) to take them to the lobby. So I went and got an usher and they were promptly escorted out to their very vocal display.
Several months later I went to see Stargate at the local cheapy theater (I wasn’t willing to pay full price for that bomb). Well the same family shows up. With the kids and everything. They are just as noisy and get shushed once by several people. Well, the man goes off and starts screaming like some crazy thing about them being kids and how he was going to kick our asses. I and several others promptly went out of the theater. The police escorted him away that time.
I’m such a big talker here on the boards, solving everyone else’s problems with my advice on assertiveness, but in a theatre situation like this I’m usually the one sitting there silently seething, unable to say anything directly.
If it’s not crowded, I move. I also specialize in disgusted stares (which of course only work if the talkers are behind you so the head turning gets noticed). And I’ve come real close to getting an usher, but it’s never gotten that bad. I’m worried about retaliation of some sort, since it’s got to be obvious it was me. I suppose I could wait until someone else heads up to the bathroom or the concession stand.
I do my best to block their view (by sitting on my seat back or something of the like) until they comment then I bargain with them…you shut up, and I’ll sit down. Usually works…
I do my best to block their view (by sitting on my seat back or something of the like) until they comment then I bargain with them…you shut up, and I’ll sit down. Usually works…