My wife shared this old exercise with me the other day. It’s supposed to help clarify our values: are we living our lives according to our values?
And my initial answers were about being dependable, ready to help, that I always tried to be the best me I could be … but thinking about it I’ve settled on: “Damn. That dude was old!”
Yours?
They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can’t come.
Assuming whoever handles my demise decides to have one, and assuming anyone shows up, I would want them to invite people up to share any personal stories, especially if they’re less than flattering, and the last speaker to say something like, “Well, old Earl wanted people to show up and roast him, even though he’s already roasting right now!”
“why is he still breathing?”
Good one.
How about “Is he finally really dead?”
I want everyone so overcome with grief that they can’t speak. Men crying shamelessly, women wailing and hurling themselves at my coffin, gnashing of teeth and rending of garments.
Then everyone can have a big party!
Ohh, good one.
I also want a lovely mysterious woman in a black veil , standing off to the side, and at the end, she puts a single rose on the grave.
“She wasn’t much good at stickin’ around, but that girl could sing.”
I want a costume party. Dress up as your favorite death themed character. Grim Reaper, Ghost Face from the Scream movies, Darth Vader…that sort of thing.
As to the OP, I don’t have any long lasting relationships with anybody, so I don’t expect a funeral, but my co-workers might say a few things.
I think “he really loved his cat” would be about the best I could hope for, but I don’t think it’s a bad sentiment, and I wear it with pride.
“Is it just me or do these cookies taste a little like…ashes?”
He really loved his family, his cats and he was the Founder of the Pierce County Kitefliers Association.
“And we should always remember his last words; 'There’s a million dollars hidden under the red urghk.'”
I’m just tryna die soon so I’ll make a pretty corpse.
It ain’t gonna get better. I ain’t a fine wine. I’m more like the water in the bird bath. Getting less and less as the days go by. With slime underneath. (Umm grossed myself out, there). 
My brother and I used to talk about this. I always said I wanted people to say, “That SOB owed me a ton of money.” My brother wanted people to say, “Hey…HEY! He’s moving!” Unfortunately, nobody said that when he passed away six years ago. I did tell that story at his memorial, though.
“Sorry for assuming you were dead. How long does it take to hike the Appalachian Trail, anyway?”
What I want them to say is that they couldn’t believe how I was secretly a Super Spy for the Government and saved so many lives. And then recite a lot of poems and sing songs about me.
However, what they would actually say is “He was so quiet.” “I don’t really remember much about him.” “He seemed so lonely.” “He sure liked drawing cartoons.” Things like that.
Who’s the dead Guy? I’m just here for the snacks afterwards.
Wow, he lived to be 90 and really did spend all his money on hookers and blow. Said by my 25 year old porn star drug dealer.
We’ve sort of hijacked a serious OP into joke territory. Me certainly included, just 2 posts up. So I’ll try to rerail it with a serious answer.
I’d like to be remembered for having been good at my jobs, good at my hobbies, good to my spouses & GFs, and generally dedicated to making the world a little better as I went along. No Social Warrior, just somebody who left a little less litter and a few more smiles in his wake. And then for chucking all that responsibility to become a wild hedonist well into old age.
More likely, there’s nobody left now, much less X years hence when I finally die, who knows any of that about my past.
Way back in my 20s I often said that if I died tomorrow, there’s be no way to find 6 people to carry my box; I don’t know that many people. I could probably scrape up 6 now, but not 10. My contact list in my phone runs to thousands. Most of which I’ve not contacted in a decade or more. Nobody has staying power; friendships last months or a year or 3, not decades. Moving across the country every few years has a way of wiping that slate nearly clean.
The Dopers won’t be at my funeral, but they’ll probably be the best eulogizers if there’s ever a memorial thread for me here.
I don’t actually want a funeral, not the classic version anyway. A wake of sorts would be ok so long as people were enjoying reconnecting with each other more than memorializing me. I’m somewhat shy and quite introverted and I hate being the center of attention, so I see no need to change that in death.
All I want is to know that my animals will be safe, loved, and cared for.
“You do know, he specifically said he didn’t want a funeral?”