I keep hearing that bullshit over and over from different people and I have no idea what it is supposed to mean. I used to take it at face value and consider it a sweet expression until I realized that almost everyone that proclaimed that publicly was in a dysfunctional and generally unhappy marriage and the vast majority of people saying it are the wives and not the husbands.
A spouse already ranks higher than a best friend in the relationship hierarchy so why would someone assign the same person two of the very high slots unless they don’t have any true friends? Does it mean you love your spouse but view them more as friend than a romantic partner?
What is the subtext behind this sweet but oddly disturbing proclamation and why are so many people using it? I just saw it used as a theme on a jewelry commercial for god sake.
I don’t think I am in this case. Most people have a real best friend that is not their spouse. That is a separate relationship and a very healthy one to have. Why do many people, especially ones in less than healthy relationships, try to merge the two different roles? A spouse already has more access and influence than a best friend or at least they should so it is a pointless statement. This is a fairly recent development as far as I know (the last 20 years or so in my experience). It may be just a stupid trend but something is driving it.
I don’t know that most people have a “best friend”: lots do, sure, but many people have that slot filled by some combination of siblings/parents.
I think “married my best friend” means “is my favorite person to spend time with, even outside our sexual/co-parenting/shared household roles”.
There are plenty of couples where that is not the case, and if you were raised by parents who weren’t friends, I can see being delighted to form such a relationship. If you have never been in such a relationship, nor seen one, I can see thinking a person aspiring to one or claiming to have one was delusional or fatuous. And if your parents had such a relationship, I can see not understanding that some people don’t.
Second this. My wife and I have been together for more than 1/2 my life, longer percent-wise for her (she is younger than me).
I’ve got friends who I have known longer, but she had truly been my best friend for almost a quarter century. If I believed in souls, she would be my soul mate.
You seem to assume that the two “slots”, as you term them, are mutually exclusive; that you can either like your spouse or be married to them, but not both, and that within those slots there is a hierarchy with a jostling for supremacy. My wife is my best friend simply because we like spending time with each other the most and have the most fun together: of all the people I know, she’s the best company. Doesn’t mean that we’re joined at the hip or that we don’t have friends outside our marriage, both together and separately, just that when we’re together is when the most fun stuff happens. After 20 years there is still nobody I would rather see a band with or go to a gallery or a restaurant or the pub with or have a walk or spend a holiday or just be myself around. It’s that simple.
I am not bitter at all because I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world. I have everything going for me partially because I am no longer married and don’t have to worry about such subtleties but all of my married friends and coworkers do. I already have kids, family and ex-inlaws that adore me so there is nothing to be gained by another ring but a lot to be lost.
I am anti-marriage in general because it is a stupid legal decision but that doesn’t have much to do with this question.
I am honestly interested why women (mostly) that describe their spouse as their “best friend” are using it for a shorthand for marriage trouble. This is the SDMB so someone is going to ask me for a cite but I can’t give you any in this case because it is personal communications but consistent ones over many years across many people. The point is that, in the long term, any of my female friends that use that phrase has a marriage relationship in very serious trouble and most of them end in in divorce in a couple of years. The rest seem to limp along in misery. I get tired of hearing how bad old friends’ husbands are and how the wife (my friends) would love to leave but they can’t usually because of kids or money. This isn’t just a few people. It is dozens over the years and there has to be a reason for it.
It seems to be a red flag for deeper trouble and that is what I am asking about. It isn’t about me in the least.
I hear this a lot, but I have no idea if it is true. I know a lot of people place a lot of value in maintaining the illusion of a perfect life on social media. I agree it is more women who say this, which is expected as women place more value on romantic relationships.
I’m sure there are lots of people who actually are married to their best friend. But I have no idea how many really are and who are just saying it. Close friends seem to be spouses or genetic family as you get older.
Correct, it has nothing to do with me at all. Being a divorced father of two beautiful daughters with no wife has no known downside. Both of us have plenty of money and the situation is ideal especially because I get along with my ex and especially my ex-inlaws. Neither one of us got remarried or plan to and we both have houses about 12 miles apart from each other. I am still invited to all of their family events. It turns out you can have your cake and eat it too if you do it correctly.
Let me put it this way, I can spend my money anyway I want, go out with whoever I want, sleep with whoever I want, spend every weekend with my kids and take them on vacation wherever and whenever I want. Can you spot the flaw in that plan? If you can, you are better than me because I have yet to find a flaw in it. That is why I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world. I have all of the upsides and almost none of the downsides all day, every day.
OTOH, I have friends constantly telling me stories that don’t sound that much different than slavery and some of them cheat whenever they think they can get away with it. I even help them with that sometimes both male and female. Those tend to be the same ones that publicly claim that they are “married to their best friends”.
That is why I am asking. It is coming from friends all over the country and I know that almost all of the ones I am familiar with are a complete sham. I am just wondering why people feel the need to proclaim something publicly that is not true. I have a feeling that it is a cover at least among the people I know but I thought maybe someone has a different perspective. I have only known two marriages in my life that I wasn’t convinced were failures or shams and, even those, I was not completely sure of.
I have two people that I claim as my best friend one is my wife and the other was my best man who I’ve been friends with for more then half of my life and spend more holidays with his family then my own.
The reason that I call my wife my best friend is she is the only person that I don’t get tired of being around and need a break. We’ve worked and lived together for the last two year spending 16+ hours per day together for weeks on end and I never wished she would go away. With my other best friend after about two weeks we start to bicker and get on each other’s nerves. I see my wanting to spend non romantic time with her as a separate relationship and so she gets two titles. Of course because of this we are probably not the most romantic couple that you’ve ever met and we are equally likely to skip the sexual part of a birthday or Valentine’s day as participate in it.
In my observation it’s a desperate attempt at wishful thinking. It seems they’re trying to convince themselves that all is good, in the hope that doing so will make that the reality.
It’s not always the claim of “best friend” – I recall a woman who pointedly and obviously proclaimed at a gathering that her husband was the best in the world. I could just tell by the way she said it that the marriage was in trouble, and sure enough they were divorced before the year was out. It sounded like she really wanted to believe it and wanted it to be true, but deep down knew there was something wrong.
Your experience notwithstanding, it’s not always the case that declaring one’s spouse a best friend or the best in the world is a sham. I’ve known people who make such claims in the context of good partnerships, where it rings true. Nevertheless, many/most in good relationships don’t feel a need to bring it up.
Before he died, my husband was my best friend. What did that mean? He knew me better than anyone, he supported me 100% no matter how whacko me or my ideas were, he held me when I cried, listened to me when I vented, and was there anytime I was afraid, unsure or needed help. We were completely comfortable with one another, warts and all.
We could fight like WWIII was our retirement plan and we separated more than once. But even then, he was my best friend. I’ve never trusted, loved, looked up to or believed in anyone that much and every day (almost) he told me the same thing. He was my biggest champion, voice of reason, sounding board and intellectual and spiritual sparring partner. With him by my side, I felt like nothing was impossible. He was my tribe and I can’t imagine ever calling him anything else, nor anyone replacing what we shared. The marriage was far from perfect, but we got the best friend part totally right.
I once had a strong disagreement about this with a very famous older woman. She had been married for several decades at the time, and also had a best friend, who was a younger man. She vehemently declared that the two relationships were mutually exclusive, that she would never describe her husband, whom she worshiped, as any kind of friend. Indeed, her marriage lasted for the rest of their lives, and when he finally died she lost the will to live without him.
But what I didn’t know at the time was that she was having an affair with her best friend.
