I’ve been having an affair with a woman who is engaged to someone else (we have been having sex). I asked her recently why she decided to start something with me and not someone else. She said there was another guy who she might have, but she said that she didn’t think I could change her mind about her fiancee, whereas this other guy could. (Actually I was trying to get her to change her mind.) I pressed her further and there were two ways in which she meant that. First, she didn’t expect me to give her an ultimatum, either she could have a relationship with me or her fiancee, but not both (which she expected the other guy would). Second she said that she thought a relationship with me would not be as emotionally demanding as it would be with the other guy. I tried very hard to get her to tell me what she meant by that, but she would not. She told me to ask another woman what that means. And I certainly intend to, but I don’t think that is likely to lead me to what she means. So I am asking a larger group of people what she could mean, because I am very curious about this.
Sounds to me, pardon my rudeness, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. If she was with a guy who wanted to make her choose between him and the fiance, eventually she’d have to pick or lose somebody. With you, she apparently feels she can have both and not really committ to either of you.
Thanks, I came to pretty much the same conclusion as well. My question goes further though. What does she mean by “emotionally demanding”. What makes a relationship “emotionally demanding”? What characteristics of a guy would lead a woman to believe a relationship with him would be emotionally demanding for her, and which ones would lead her to believe otherwise?
wtfiwwy! Don’t ask, just enjoy! Hope she marries the other guy, but only after you tossed her to the curb.
She means that she thinks sex with you will be “less strings attached” than with the other guy. Sounds like she wants to use you for the sex (not entirely a bad thing) and she figures you are okay with that.
It may be good to note that it is a big flashing red danger sign when someone who is engaged is having affairs left and right and telling you all about her fiance and other guys she just might bag along the way. Unless you are just using her for the sex, you might get hurt, so I hope you don’t get attached. She seems to be devoted to making herself happy, not to her fiance or the other sex partners she plans to betray him with. Playing the field is okay, unless your “fiance” is not playing the field and is oblivious to the open relationship he’s involved in.
Of course, he could be a cheatin’ dawg his own self. So who knows?
Congratulations, GP. You have the dubious honor of being an official fuck buddy. She intends to have absolutely no emotional commitment with you, but to continue to have sex with you. She decided to have sex with you and not the other guy because she saw potential for a real relationship with him, but not with you. That’s what she meant.
On a side note, WTF is with sleeping with someone who’s engaged, and why would you want her to leave her fiance for you? Do you somehow think she wouldn’t sleep around on you, too?
CrazyCatLady is so right. RUN to the nearest exit. She is bad news!
She thinks you’re a pushover who will take whatever she dishes out and you’ll never give her an ultimatum. Dude, she saw you coming a mile away. Run and hide. This woman is going to destroy you.
She has defined the relationships in order of importance.
-
Her
-
Her and him
-
Her and you
You are a passing fancy, a momentary diversion. If what you have said is true, this is truly a heinous wench and you should indeed run away very fast.
she’d have to mind him, mother him, care for him. It;w ouldn’t be a lucky-go-free relationship she seems to be having with you. You sound like a nice and laid back guy, maybe the other guy isn’t?
Sounds like the “other guy” wouldn’t be messed about: she thinks he’d set her an ultimatum, and she proably wouldn’t know who to choose, so she picked you, the Third Option. Maybe emotionally demanding, in this context (changing her mind about her fiancee) means : she could fall in love with him, and is afraid this will happen? Whereas you’re “safe”…
that’s what it sounds like to me.
but I have to agree with the rest of the posters: you better cut her loose. If you’re not no 1 in her life, what’s the point?
She’s already put you on third place in her life, actually: 4th:
her
her fiancee
other guy
you
…you do the math, she ain’t worth your time.
Imagine dating a woman who likes you for who you are, wants to hear your opinion, cares about you, and expects you to care about her in return.
Now imagine dating a bimbo who might be mildly likeable, but was pretty much only good for sex.
What your partner is saying is that you are a bimbo to her.
Ordinarily, I’d say get all the sex you can, while using as much protection as possible (after all, she’s clearly sleeping with other guys without their knowledge; serious disease risk there) BUT, and this is an important but, you said you’re trying to get her to dump the fiancee and be just with you. That says, to me, that you’re getting emotionally attached to her. So you need to take steps to protect yourself emotionally. The best bet is to dump her like a sack of rotten potatoes.
And then listen to Offsprings “Self Esteem” track a million times to make sure you don’t ever let her back into your bed.
BTW, are you at her beck and call whenever she’s feeling like getting some? Try to avoid that sort of relationship, unless you’re a lifestyle submissive.