My co-workers and I are having this debate. Of course, it is generally accepted that while in a serious relationship, having sex with someone other than your “significant other” is an affair.
But what if your significant other, while being in a serious relationship with you, develops feelings for another person, spends quality time with that person, etc. but it never goes sexual b/c then it really would be an affair? Your person really wants to be with you, but yet he/she feels great love --in a romantic sense-- for someone else.
Which is worse, and what truly defines an affair?
Most of my co-workers would rather have their people feel love for another than to have sex with another, but I am the opposite. I’d rather my boyfriend have meaningless (PROTECTED) sex with another girl than to feel great love for someone else. Which is worse?
Personally, I agree with your position. Sex can be recreational, love is not. Now, I would prefer to know the daliance is happening, but even if I did not, (PROTECTED) sex with other people is generally a fling thing. Developing serious emotional bonds with other people is a sure problem for the long term viability of the relationship.
My partner’s views may differ on this question, however. We’ll see how much trouble I get into when he reads this post…
I think that they are equally bad, if bad is the word for it. Romantic feelings, like sex, are one of the many important components of a relationship, and it is reasonable for a person to feel the relationship has been violated if either occur.
On the other hand, just like there are some relationships which are open in the sexual sense, some can be open to platonic romance as well. So I’m not sure that there is a hard and fast rule that will tell you which is more ‘unfaithful’. I think that both types of affair should be honestly admitted if they are done, and it is just as important to admit if you’ve got a romantic, nonsexual relationship outside the main one as it is to admit a sexual fling.
I’m not sure this is truly a GQ as different people will feel differently about it, and that’s all there is to it. That being said, while I fully appreciate the thinking that goes into the viewpoint expressed by the OP, I, and many others, would have a very hard time accepting their SO having even emotionally detached sex with another.
So, as I think about this, it seems to be a question of what sort of intrusion into the private arena you share with your SO that you might best be able to tolerate. While a lot of people can have meaningless sexual encounters, many cannot or are never comfortable with it. I played drums with a few working bands in late '60s and '70s and as a result slept with a few women that I really did not want to do that with, but just sort of got swept along by expectations (reminds me of George Orwell’s Shooting an Elephant).
OTOH, I have a couple of long running and very affectionate relationships with two women. One I’ve known for fourteen years and the other for twenty-one. Both are married and their husbands know me and are aware of my relationships with their wives, but I rarely see them with their husbands. In both cases we took to each other immediately upon meeting and have developed very close relationships that will never be anything other than platonic. But they’re hardly mere acquaintance. So, both hubbies have got me intruding on their wives’ capacity to care for other people. And I am friends with both husbands and it’s not a problem. Hell, one of the guys is actually becoming a better friend every day.
But my primary confidant in both cases is the woman in the couple.
There’s no single factual answer to this question so it’s not a general question. Since you’re looking for opinions, I think IMHO is more appropriate, so I’ll move it.
I had this discussion with my (now ex) GFa while back. I agree with the OP. She took the other stance.
I would MUCH rather my partner have § sex, with no emotions, than to fall in love with another but have no sex.
My ultimate preference, of course, is neither.
I hate to generalize but typically if your a woman the non-sexual affair would be worse but if you’re a man the sexual affair would be worse. Thats becuase men are territorial and women are emotional typically
And before anyone wants to flame me for putting a blanket op over the entire human race, notice I said typically I know full well that this is not true for everyone.
O.k. sorry, I guess that was sort of generic. What I ment was women are emotionaly attached to their significant other meaning they tend to bond by talking and sharing their feelings whith said man. My ex wife used to tell me how jealous she was of a female friend of mine. We were very close and had been friends long before I met my ex. Which btw we always kept our friendship strictly plutonic. My wife was jealous because we seemd to talk alot more than I did with her. I always tried to tell her its becuase I don’t see her everyday and have alot to catch up on. That never seemed to help, but a point was made clear to me she wanted the closeness that my friend and I so seemingly had.
And as far as the men go… well uh… KEEP YOUR DOG OUT OF MY BACK YARD!
According to a study we read in my Sociology class on Marriage and Sexuality, in general, men veiw their wives as having a purely sexual affair as as being worse than their wives falling in love with another man and not having sex. Women, OTOH, feel more betrayed by their husbands falling in love with another woman than they do if their men are involved in purely sexual affairs.
I’ll see if I can find my copy of the study. They have the reasonings much clearer than I can currently call them to mind.
Yeah, I considered the friendship thing. I am a woman, but most of my friends are guys. But there’s a difference between just having a friend of the opposite sex and longing for that person’s company, sympathy, comfort, etc… the types of things you want from your significant other.
I find that having the friend and “wanting” him/her but not giving into the sexual urges is worse than if you just had non-emotional sex with someone and let it be at that.
Granted, both are bad and threaten a serious relationship, but I’d find it easier to forgive my boyfriend if he’d has meaningless sex than if he fell in love with another girl but did not act on his attractions.
Does anyone else know what I’m trying to say here?
Though not explicit by definition, I think a level of deceit is implicit in the word “affair”. If your SO knows you are going out for dinner with someone whose company and perspective you value, that’s quite likely a friendship.
OTOH, if you are lying about where you are going to spend time with someone other than your SO, if you are neglecting your relationships with your children and your SO to spend time with this person, if you are spending any money you can get your hands on to go out with this person and buy them gifts (rather than on yourself, your SO, your children, or that huge stack of overdue bills), then, whether sex is involved or not, THAT is an affair.
Obviously, the line between a deep friendship and an affair is seldom quite this clear. My personal attempt to draw the line would be along the lines of:
If you have a good friend that you vent to, that you use as a sounding-board to discuss your problems with, that you use to try out new ideas and ways of expressing your feelings to before going “live” with them with your SO, well, that’s just a good friend.
If, however, you set this person up in a triangle, where you start telling them things that you should be telling your SO (you can’t resolve problems with your SO if you don’t discuss them with the SO), and you start using your friend as an escape from your life with your SO rather than for fresh perspectives on your life with your SO, then you are in an affair, whether you (or your friend) realizes it.
While I would be very disappointed in my wife getting herself into a situation where she is “in love” with someone else, it would be more of a testament to her character if she was in that position and still did not act on it. I assume she would feel the same way.
After reading a great book His Needs, Her Needs, and thinking about what was written and my own observations, I’ve come to the following conclusion:
Men and women have basic needs in their relationships that they want their partner to fulfill (that’s why they are in the relationship in the first place). The author lists 10 needs, which include sexual satisfaction, affection, conversation, shared activities, financial support and so on. While all the needs are important, obviously some are more important than others to the individual, so he suggests looking at the five most important needs for yourself.
what happens in an affair (often times) is that the spouse is fulfilling 3 or 4 needs and the lover is fulfilling 1 or 2 needs (whatever they may be). As a result, emotional bonds can ensue. The author notes that in his experience, women tend not to want to keep two lovers or a husband and a lover, but rather focus on their husband learning to fulfill all their needs, while the men are in love with both women and have a difficult time giving up the lover.
So, I guess the gist of it is, if someone else is fulfilling some of your partner’s needs, you need to take a look at what’s going on.
Okay… I was inspired most by what Rally Vincent said, so my cronies and I continued our conversation. In the party are: a middle-aged ex-nun, a young newlywed man, a middle-aged man who’s been married for 16 years, and myself, a young woman going on 6 years with the same wonderful man.
We talked about the sexual need, and here’s how it went down. The ex-nun of course said you should never act on sexual impulses outside of your marriage. The two married guys said they’d find it much more forgivable if their wives went outside the marriage for sex only, not for an emotional need. (They both chuckled saying that it was easier to spice up a sex life than an emotional one). I have to agree with them. If I am in a stable, secure, loving relationship with good sex being the only thing lacking, I’d much rather my SO go elsewhere for sex only if that’s what he needs, providing he’s sensible and protected about it. I’d much rather have that than be the one being used for sex only!
So then we asked our SO’s (except the ex-nun), and here’s the response: Both wives said they’d kill their men if they had ANY type of affair, but it was better to have a one night stand than to form a non-sexual but intimate relationship. My BF agreed that he’d rather have me go elsewhere for “recreational” sex and stay in the relationship with him if I really felt the need to have better/different sex. Of course he’d be disappointed, but it wouldn’t be as bad a blow as it would if I were in love with someone else.
So we, in our little group, have concluded that intimacy is of more value more than sex. True or false?
Okay… I was inspired most by what Rally Vincent said, so my cronies and I continued our conversation. In the party are: a middle-aged ex-nun, a young newlywed man, a middle-aged man who’s been married for 16 years, and myself, a young woman going on 6 years with the same wonderful man.
We talked about the sexual need, and here’s how it went down. The ex-nun of course said you should never act on sexual impulses outside of your marriage. The two married guys said they’d find it much more forgivable if their wives went outside the marriage for sex only, not for an emotional need. (They both chuckled saying that it was easier to spice up a sex life than an emotional one). I have to agree with them. If I am in a stable, secure, loving relationship with good sex being the only thing lacking, I’d much rather my SO go elsewhere for sex only if that’s what he needs, providing he’s sensible and protected about it. I’d much rather have that than be the one being used for sex only!
So then we asked our SO’s (except the ex-nun), and here’s the response: Both wives said they’d kill their men if they had ANY type of affair, but it was better to have a one night stand than to form a non-sexual but intimate relationship. My BF agreed that he’d rather have me go elsewhere for “recreational” sex and stay in the relationship with him if I really felt the need to have better/different sex. Of course he’d be disappointed, but it wouldn’t be as bad a blow as it would if I were in love with someone else.
So we, in our little group, have concluded that intimacy is of more value than sex. True or false?
We are building a life together, and I know that through the course of this life we will sometimes find ourselves in places where we cannot fulfill every single one of each other’s needs. What we know that we will have is love and good intentions.
I hope that my SO does find the kind of deep friendships that can help him through his life. I’m not perfect, and I can’t be there through everything, and he knows that there are some things that he will not be able to help me through. I hope that we can both cultivate deep loving friendships from within our friends, family and coworkers with whom we can share parts of our lives joys and burdens with, and I hope that after that we can still come home to each other with open arms and a loving heart.
Of course, I’d prefer that he didn’t sleep with these people (especially his family!) because sex has some very serious consequences that could happen and that would put us both in danger,
Beyond that, who am I to limit his friendships? Asking an SO to drop his friends is like asking him to drop his family- it is uncalled for at best and dangerous at worst.
We’ll see how much trouble I get into when he reads this post…