E.g., your wife has an affair with another woman or your husband has an affair with another man. Would you feel the same was as if they cheated with someone the same gender as you?
I’d have to say no. If my wife hooked up with another woman, I’d probably hand wave it off as “She’s just experimenting. Having sex with another woman provides her with opportunities that I can’t match. Plus, it’s hot.” If it were a man, I think our marriage would be over.
What’s strange is, I think that if I were a woman and my husband cheated on me with another man, I wouldn’t be as open minded about the situation. But that’s pure speculation.
If I knew the person was bisexual beforehand, then it would be about the same. If I didn’t know, then it would be a little worse–mostly because it would mean that the guy wasn’t even comfortable enough with me to tell me that he was.
I’m more or less in Angel of the Lord’s camp. If it were, for example, my hubby of 8+ years (and partner for 12+), I’d be much more hurt because I’d feel not only cheated on, I’d feel lied to (whether by omission, or actively).
ETA: Any affair would involve being lied to. I suppose what would be bothersome to me is a person’s sexuality is such a big part of who they are, I’d be very hurt that it wasn’t fully shared with me, and that my understanding that he was a hetero male had been wrong all those years. And depending on the depth of the affair, I’d also hurt for him that such a struggle was going on in him internally and he felt the need to go through it alone.
An affair is an affair. Treating a same-sex affair as less serious than an opposite-sex one means that you think that heterosexuality is the only valid sexuality. I also can’t fathom being so messed up in the brain that you would think your spouse’s infidelity would ever be “hot.”
In my mind, I wasn’t thinking of the person being bisexual. More along the lines of “they got drunk and had a one-time fling” sort of thing. Not an ongoing affair involving clandestine meetings etc.
No, I don’t think that. I’d be just as interested in hearing opinions if the sexual preferences were reversed. I left it out of the OP because I couldn’t think of a good way to word it without getting confusing.
Scenario 1: You’re a man. You and your wife go to a party. Your wife has a few too many drinks and then starts drunkenly dancing and making out with another woman.
Scenario 2: You’re a man. You and your wife go to a party. Your wife has a few too many drinks and then starts drunkenly dancing and making out with another man.
Obviously reactions will vary by individuals. But face facts. A lot of men are going to react to the first scenario be saying “heh heh heh” and to the second scenario by saying “We’re going home! NOW!”
I would have to say that the same-sex relationship would be worse. In the hetero affair, you could say that we have some issues to work out; a long road, but possible to see the light.
If it was a homosexual affair, it could be that your spouse has just discovered his/her new sexuality, and if that is the case, then you are just 100% out of luck…
For example, if my husband realized at some point after we got married that he is bi-curious/bi-sexual, and decided to experiment just once, I would be more understanding than “normal” cheating. It would still bother me, both that he cheated, and that he didn’t feel he could talk to me about it first. But I would be much more inclined to forgive him because I remember when I first started to realize I was bi, wondering if I really was, and needing to “try it out” to be sure.
On the other hand, if he was already comfortably bi and just had a fling with some guy, it would be no different than if he had a fling with some girl.
For me, the big difference is that for a woman, my wife could readily get my permission. If she didn’t, it would hurt about as much as with another man. Not quite as much, which isn’t logical and isn’t fair, but true for me.
Either way, I think my attitude would be “She’s just having fun, having sex with another person provides her with opportunities that I can’t match. And it’s good that I should not be her only source, this way she won’t need me to Be Everything to her & all.”
I’d get threatened if the other person were making monogamous propositions (i.e., “Ditch AHunter3 and be mine and mine alone”).
Yes, we know, we know, WE KNOW that the average modern American hetero male thinks two women getting it on is hot and giggle-worthy, even when – sometimes especially when – one of the women in question is his SO. This attitude has permeated every aspect of hetero relationships, erotica, porn, and sex. It is constantly flung at us as something we should be willing to do or at least fantasize about because our man finds it so hott. It is a constant source of innuendo and cajoling and if we express our desire to NOT make out with the hot divorcee next door, we are party-poopers. Yeah, we get it.
I’d find it worse. Every homosexual and bisexual I’ve ever met has said they knew they were gay/bi, if not from birth, from their sexual maturity. The literature seems to support this. Therefore, the fact that my wife did not tell me this information before marrying me (when she would’ve known it was a deal breaker) is a whole lot worse than mere infidelity. And yet, infidelity would normally be enough to terminate the relationship.
The only situation where I can see this not being true is if the wife was drunk. But if she is capable of getting drunk enough to experiment with her sexuality, that would have also been a deal breaker. I know it’s unusual, but I hold people responsible for sexual actions while drunk just as much as I would if they decided to drive. And I would expect my wife to know her limits.
Wow, and I posted that without looking at the other responses, so my opinion wouldn’t be tainted. My thing is, while many men think that lesbians are so hot, it becomes very different when it’s your wife. We made vows to be faithful.
Although you are right statistically (I had my first same-sex fantasy at the age of 5), there are many, many, many exceptions. I’ve know quite a few men and women who had no idea they were gay until way into their 40s, 50s, or later. A whole lot of the over-50 gays I know were in traditional marriages, and are now grandparents.