Question: * This actually happened to an associate of mines *
Now we’ve all heard the stories about a man (or woman) coming home early from work, and suprisingly walk in on their spouse having sex with someone else that they’ve been having an affair with. Now, what would you do if you came in and found your spouse having sex with someone who was the same sex as themselves? This is a good question for all heterosexuals that support same sex marriages. What would you do ( assuming you are heterosexual ) and you found your spouse was bi-sexual and was having an affair?
Frankly, I wouldn’t care if my wife was eating poontang. Of course, before I would marry any woman, I’d make sure I knew if she was bisexual or not. Before two people get married, they should know about each other’s sexual proclivities and be able to accomodate them within reason. In that I’m not a woman; if my wife wanted to have sex with another woman, I wouldn’t be upset if she told me beforehand (so I knew to go catch a movie, or get the camera set up, whatever the situation calls for.)
I agree with Tentacle Monster. She is bisexual, and I support her wholeheartedly and actively encourage it, but alas, she is content with just me (for now). I have her on video with other girls, and we’ve had a few threesomes in the past, but it’s been a while, and she tends to get a little jealous.
If she was hiding it though, then it would become a problem. If I walked in on her “cheating” on me with another girl, I’d probably think it was my birthday.
I think that your friends are overdue for a long talk.
I was going to take a hard line stance on this that cheating is cheating, regardless of you or your partner’s orientation, but I’d like to hold off until a few bisexual people give their opinions. I have the impression that bisexuality meant that you were attracted to both genders, not that you had to have sex with both, and regardless, letting your partner know before you jump into bed with someone else is generally a good thing. Beyond that, I know I’ve had to leave a few urges unrealized.* I’d like to know if this somehow relates to how bisexual people feel when they settle down.
Sorry, but I don’t see what this has to do with gay marriage.
*Don’t ask, you would just laugh and I’d look stupid.
I dated a bi-sexual chick for a while. I didn’t have a problem with her being attracted to other girls, but she wanted a girl friend as well as me and that I did have a problem with. We agreed that we both wanted differant things and party friends before things got serious.
So, yeah, I would have a problem if I came home and found Mrs bdgr having sex with anything that wasn’t in fact me.
I’m another person wondering what in hell this has to do with gay marriage.
It barely even has anything to do with bisexuality or sexual preference.
Heck, I don’t even understand marriage, and if I came home and my girlfriend was having sex with someone else, I’d apologize for interrupting and slip back out and come back later. The gender of the other person wouldn’t be relevant.
But although it’s not my thing, I gather from what I’ve heard from people who do marriage and/or monogamy and other forms of exclusivity, if they came home and their girlfriend were having sex with someone else, they’d get upset, maybe yell and throw things, maybe end the relationship, but again the gender of the other person wouldn’t be relevant.
Meanwhile, I can’t for the life of me posit a single situation in which the legality or existence of gay marriage would have any impact on this. It’s such a total non-sequitur in this context I’m wondering if the OP was working on two different posts and accidentally added a phrase intended for a different thread.
Sorry, but cheating is cheating, regardless of the sexual orientation of the participants. If you’ve committed yourself to a monogamous relationship, you’ve committed yourself to a monogamous relationship. Now, if the BOTH of you have agreed that sexual relations outside of marriage are OK, then the only problem would probably be one of timing - “Please let me know in advance if you’re going to have company.”
I’m attracted to both men and women, but I’ve married a woman because we met, fell madly in love, and have a wonderful relationship. That doesn’t mean the same thing couldn’t happen between me and another man, but it can’t happen while I’m still married.
What plnnr said. I’m married and female and have always described myself as “ambisexual” - because to me, “bi” means “both”, whereas “ambi” means “either or”.
I’m not hard-wired for heterosexuality, but I think I am hard-wired for monogamy. If my husband was cheating on me with either sex, I’d be devastated.
Is it somehow perceived as old-fashioned to expect monogamy from one’s SO? I’ve heard a lot of people on this board say they wouldn’t mind if their SO had sex with somebody else. That is absolutely fine with me, their relationship is their business and if it doesn’t bother them than it’s cool, but if an SO of mine was caught in bed with somebody else, regardless of gender, that would stand a serious chance of ending the relationship.
How do you deal with a bisexual spouse? The same way you deal with a non-bisexual one. When you walk in on them having sex with someone else (assuming the two of you haven’t pre-agreed to the whole poly thing), you figure out whether it’s possible to fix things between you, whether you even want to try to fix things, or if you’re better off just kicking their cheating asses to the curb. Who your spouse is fucking around on you with is a minor matter compared to the fact that your spouse is fucking around on you.
I remember being laughed at in a sex ed class in high school because I pointed out that bisexuality does not automatically equal non-monogamy, when this very question was raised. Most everyone else “knew” that wasn’t true, and also just had trouble with the thought that their spouse would be attracted to someone of the opposite sex.
So, Starguard, what does your question mean? Are you asking if a person in a non-monogamous (and mutually agreed upon) marriage would have trouble if their spouse picked up a same-sex partner, versus an opposite-sex partner? Or are you assuming that all bisexual people simply must have sex with both genders and can’t be monogamous?
A woman walking in on their husband “in the act” with another man, to my mind, no different than a blonde (of either sex) walking in on their spouse (of either sex) having sex with a brunette (again, of either sex). If they have a relationship wherein that is acceptable, then fine. If not, then hair color, sex of gender have nothing to do with this.
Not everyone sees things this way, but I think that has a lot to do witht he unspoken, or indirectly spoken, understandings they have developed about the relationship. In other words, those people who have said that they would have no problem with their wife "cheating"on them with another woman probaly have sent that message through one way or another to their spouse, and so it wouldn’t really be cheating in that sense.
[QUOTE=StarguardNow, what would you do if you came in and found your spouse having sex with someone who was the same sex as themselves? This is a good question for all heterosexuals that support same sex marriages. What would you do ( assuming you are heterosexual ) and you found your spouse was bi-sexual and was having an affair?[/QUOTE]
This actually happened to me and I was not amused. My wife and I were both bisexual, and had been non-monogamous, but we had placed limits on such relationships. She started sneaking around with a lesbian; violating our agreements and being dishonest about it. It was the sneaking and the agreement-breaking that upset me.
List me among those who see no connection between this issue and gay marriage.
If the couple is married, they usually have some agreement of monogamy. Cheating- with anyone- would be a serious issue. Orientation is a complete non-issue here. It’s the cheating that’s a problem.
My partner and I are both totally gay men, and both monogamous. If I came home to find him in bed with a woman, first of all I’d have to stop laughing; then we’d have a lot of serious issues to talk about. The only thing I’m sure of is that I would never stop loving him and being supportive of his choices.
It seems like it’s not as big an issue for men who would find that out about their wife. A lot of women go bisexual on a whim or for a one time thing. I know there are “true” bisexuals, but I think a lot of women fall into the whim category. Men find that sexy, and if they don’t have a problem with it then that’s fine and dandy.
On the other hand, are there really that many bisexual men? It seems like once a man realizes he likes other men that he probably ceases to be into women. I could be wrong.
I cannot imagine being with a man who enjoys gay sex. I wouldn’t get with him in the first place, let alone marry him. If I was married and it happend that he was cheating on me with a man I’d imagine my reaction would be even worse than if he was cheating with a woman. It’s bad enough to find out that someone has been unfaithful, but to find out that they’ve been lying to you for the duration of your relationship would be hurtful beyond imagining.
