You walk in on your spouse or very committed SO having sex with someone who is not you. How do you feel about this? Why? Are your feelings justified?
Myself, I’ve never really understood sexual jealousy on any visceral level. If I walked in on my wife having sex with another guy, I might be sad because she didn’t tell me or something, but it’s not as though the thought of her having sex with someone other than me, in itself, inherently makes me angry or upset. Whatever, it’s just sex. It’s fun. Why should I be mad at her having fun? (Practical concerns like disease or pregnancy may be something to have negative emotions about, but these emotions aren’t a visceral reaction to the act itself, but to its possible consequences. That’s not really what I have in mind here.)
What about you, though? Would it make you really upset on a visceral level? As in, just a reflexive feeling of disgust or anger (or something?) at the very thought of the sex occurring?
If so, why do you suppose that is, and do you think it’s the “right” feeling to have–or anyway the right feeling to act on?
How universal is this kind of jealousy? Most films/novels/songs/etc that touch on the topic would seem to assume it’s totally universal. But then, it’s a great source of drama and conflict and that’s what these media thrive on, so they’re naturally going to be biased in this direction.
God, I’m not a jealous person at all but actually having sex with someone else? Yes, it would bother me. I am human. I would wonder - am I so ugly? Did I do something horrible? Doesn’t he love me anymore? If he was unhappy, why didn’t he tell me about it?
It compounds that we have a very good relationship, stunningly good by most standards. We talk about almost everything under the sun and we are each other’s best friend. It would be a real shock to find out he was unhappy enough to cheat.
A one time thing? I don’t care what people say, I’d really rather not know.
I haven’t seen my girlfriend in over a year and a half, so it wouldn’t surprise me to find out she’d found somebody else while she waits for me to move back to California. Neither of us are the type to enter into a casual, FWB kind of relationship, however, so I’d assume this was the last nail in the coffin as far as making this work was concerned. I’d be pretty upset if I found this out after I moved back, though. I’m hoping that if it does come to that (on either of our part) there’ll be an email or two before I start packing boxes.
At the risk of going off on a tangent, this reminds me of a conversation I had with a coworker a while back. He claimed that he didn’t think people were monogamous by nature. I argued that what makes most people monogamous is not that they themselves only want to be with one person, but that they like the special feeling that comes with knowing someone likes you enough to forsake all other people.
Therefore, if I walked in on my spouse sleeping with someone else, it would instantly erase all pride I feel in knowing that my spouse chose me over everyone else. It would make me realize that I wasn’t so attractive and wonderful and smart and sexy that he was satisfied with me. It would be a huge blow to my ego, and I would feel absolutely crushed.
IF it happened, they would lose the title of “spouse” or “*very committed *significant other” very quickly, since it’s a betrayal of the vows or a bastardization of the term “very committed”,
regardless of how universal it is, and regardless of whatever emotion I or others label it.
Few things are universal in humans, but I think spousal jealousy is probably as universal as you’re going to get. What is telling is that even in relationships that are permissive when it comes to fooling around with others, most seem to operate under a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that allows the pretense of monogamy to survive. Evidence of the truth can make even the least jealous question their self-worth and the security of their relationship.
For a lot of people, sex is more than just a physical fun act. It is or implies an emotional connection as well. It is the emotional betrayal that stirs up the visceral hurt.
OTOH, there are a lot of people that have implied agreements with their SO’s that they will have side relationships to satisfy those physical urges. In that case, there is an understanding between both parties. But if one person goes off the reservation without permission or understanding, again it’s understandable why one would feel betrayed.
Hell, I know people that get upset when their SO, whom they share finances with, buys an expensive item without discussing it with the other one. Sex ranks up there higher with most people than that.
My husband has a girlfriend, who I’m also good friends with, so walking in on them would be awkward but not upsetting.
I would be furious if it were someone else. There’s a huge amount of trust involved with any serious relationship and him boinking another woman without us having a conversation first would be a violation of that trust. So it’s not the sex itself that’s the issue, but the deceit involved.
I will feel like I’ve been betrayed in the most serious of manners. I do not expect loyalty from people in general, I don’t care at all if a stranger lies to me, I don’t care much if a casual acquaintance double-crosses me, I can deal with a friend’s deception, I’ll be hurt by other family member’s dishonesty, but my spouse who I have entangled my life with, who I have sacrificed for, who I have committed myself to cannot betray me in such a way without irreparably breaking a bond of life and blood and I cannot tolerate that. I would be hurt, angry, and filled with negative emotions. All entirely justified.
From a human perspective : your girlfriend, like any woman, rapidly loses sexual attractiveness as she ages. After 35, the decline is rapid and obvious. So expecting her to wait, giving up 10% or so of her entire breeding lifespan, seems unreasonable. I’m aware that historically this has allegedly happened many times. There are countless sappy accounts of women waiting faithfully for years for their husbands to return from war/a coma/etc. But it makes no logistic or practical sense.
Does this mean that, when you have sex with your wife, it’s just a fun physical activity, with no deeper significance: it’s not an expression of love or affection or intimacy or commitment?