I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She is 32 and I am 40. I am giving the ages because I think that may be relevant. She is getting divorced (for reasons that are not germane to this discussion but had nothing to do with fidelity) and she told me something that shocked me:
Her and her husband had an arrangement that she was fine if he had sex outside of the marriage as long as it was meaningless one night stand type stuff. In her words, as long as she felt like she was his priority and he always came home at night and was honest, she was fine with this.
This also cut both ways where she also had this option if she wanted it. And now that she is divorced, she would be fine with this arrangement with any boyfriend she might have. Specifically if she was unsatisfied with the sex with him, she would seek it elsewhere and as long as she was honest, she felt there was nothing wrong with this.
I was taken aback by this. To me, this sounded like someone with low self esteem would justify staying with a jerk that steps out on her but that is not this woman, She has tons of confidence. To me, the minute another guy touches my girlfriend or wife, that relationship is effectively over. If she wants love, let her try and get it from the anonymous guys he wants to have sex with…
When I said as much she thought I was being uptight. That I should be able to separate love and sex. Needless to say I don’t agree and I think she is crazy.
I have no idea where this difference in opinion comes from. I wonder if it is our age difference that causes this difference in attitudes so I thought I would present this here and see what y’all though. Am I a prude or uptight? Or is she the one who is crazy? This got kind of long but any or all opinions are welcome.
Different strokes for different folks. Some people need monogamy to feel like they’re being treated right, some need polygamy. It’s a wide, wonderful world.
The trick isn’t for everybody to be into the same thing, it’s to be into the same thing the person you’re into is.
I think the difference in your genders is more important than the age difference. In general, women see emotional infidelity as worse than sexual infidelity, and the reverse is true for men.
It’s her business. She might note this didn’t work out all that well the first time. But if it’s what she’s looking for in a relationship she’s can keep looking for it. Plenty of people have entered into relationships that were agreed to be monogamous but they didn’t work out that way, so there probably is no perfect system.
No biggie if it works for her and her partner. It needn’t have dire psychological underpinnings. Pathologizing all non-mainstream sexual behavior isn’t real productive.
I don’t think this is a generation gap thing. I am younger than her and I expect actual monogamy from my fiance. We have a mutual understanding that if one of us cheats, the other is entitled to go crazy and wreak horrible revenge. (Yes, seriously, we have talked about this.)
I have heard of couples much older than her where for example the wife becomes ill and doesn’t want sex anymore, so the husband is allowed to go elsewhere for sex as long as he comes home to her. To some people, the emotional bond is a big deal but sex isn’t really. Some people just are like that.
The only way I would agree to something like that would be if I had stopped having any romantic feelings for my spouse but just wanted a “roommate”/“best friend” kind of marriage where I really didn’t want to have sex with him myself. If I still loved him in a romantic way, I would expect sexual loyalty and would probably be more pissed about a sexual betrayal than I would be about a purely emotional one.
I hope I don’t end up in such a situation, but I can see how some people do.
The deserve kudos for having the discretion to keep it away from judgmental old you!
I can understand having concerns that she’s being dominated or intimidated into someone else’s wishes, but you freely admit, that’s not her or what this is.
If you cannot accept that others see things differently than you, then you are being a little prudishly judgmental, to my mind.
[QUOTE=Dr. Phil]
And how’s that working out for ya?
[/quote]
Maybe the reasons for the divorce have nothing to do with fidelity. Or maybe they do.
There is only so much time in the day, and so much emotional energy available. And even a one-night stand takes a certain amount of time and effort.
It may also be that people who casually screw around just aren’t that committed to the relationship in the first place, and therefore break up that much more easily.
So do I. Maybe she was trying to convince herself.
You are not old fashioned. You had your head in the sand. Although I would never be able to have a relationship under those conditions I do know others that have. Of all ages. Different strokes. So to speak.
And it may be that, for some people, sex naturally feels like a deeply meaningful expression of love and bonding and commitment, moreso than it does for others, and that the former sort of people have a stronger glue holding their relationship together.
To the OP: I don’t really think it’s an age thing. I think there have always been a substantial minority of people who feel the way she does about sexual exclusivity. It’s not the norm, but it’s not all that unusual either.
this is what would be viewed as a type of nonmonogamy. this would be a sexual type of nonmonogamy called swinging.
people develop their own rules and do what fits them. some swingers have to be there to watch, not just watch but join in with their SO or the other’s SO. keeping emotions out can be very important, some might prohibit kissing because that is linked to emotion for them. not having repeats can also keep emotions out.
there is sexual nonmonogamy, swinging. there is emotional nonmogamy, polyamory. polyamory can be done with or without sexual aspects. people set up the rules/terms/expectations that fit them. a key element of polyamory is honesty and consent. while some might be polyamorous and swing; these are mostly distinct and separate groups of people.
you are both in the age range when sexual nonmonogamy has been common and not just an activity of a fringe social group. your exposure to it could vary based on your religious and social environment.
Yeah, a woman like that would fall in my “that’s fine, but I’d never date you” category: something I understand and don’t mind when others enjoy it, but definitely not my cup of tea. Sex is too much of an emotional experience for me to dilute it like that and remain happy in a relationship.
I think it’s fine (and I’m 51 years old). My wife and I discussed such a thing, but rejected it as not working for us (and, frankly, not something either of us would be interested in). We do have a different arrangement that some might troubled by, but which works great for us.
I’m 41. It’s not an age difference thing. You’re being closed-minded and judgmental.
Bingo!
Pretty big assumption that a mutual arrangement is what led to the failure of the marriage. Wow. If you and your wife have an agreement about who cleans the kitchen, but it’s nothing I’d ever agree to and then your marriage fails, should I assume it’s because of the kitchen thing?
If you don’t respect and honor your wife just get a divorce and be honest about it. Please don’t pretend to define “respect and honor” for anyone else.
Baloney. It’s more likely that there are a lot of people lying (to others and themselves) about what sex means to them.
