A little housekeeping. First off, I’m using “married people” as shorthand for “involved in a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship.” Second off, this thread was suggested by the Is every man in this world inclined towards infidelity ? thread, in which one poster writes:
I’m wondering how common this attitude is among persons involved in such relationships. Would you feel disappointed, hurt, betrayed, or otherwise uneasy if you came to realize that your partner (your actual, present partner, not a hypothetical one) revealed to you that he or she was only monogamous to you because that was what you wanted, not out of a desire to be faithful for its own sake?
I would have a hard time being married to someone who I knew had no real desire to stay monogamous except to make me happy. He’d be living a conflicted life, which probably wouldn’t be good for the marriage.
#2 sounds like “Bay-bee! I know I cheated on my first 3 wives, but this time is different!” Yes, #2 can otherwise work out okay, but why take that one preferentially, as the overlap is so huge?
You can be non-monogamous without being faithless. A man who swore all through his 20s & 03s that he’d never settle down, who then fell in love with a woman he wanted to be with forever, fits number two.
I’m single and voted that way, but I think “desires monogamy” needs to be defined. Does it mean “doesn’t want to have sex with anyone else” or “isn’t attracted to anyone else”? Because I think a lot of married people don’t really want to have sex with other people, but they still can have their head turned by an attractive person.
I had a strange twist on this with my ex. He knew that I intended to be monogamous, because that’s important to me. He, on the other hand, told me at the start that he had no intention of being monogamous. I told him that my own monogamy was important to me, and his wasn’t an issue, so there was no problem, at least for the first several months.
But then I began getting signals from him that he wanted me to see other guys as well. I assured him that I was fine with the situation we had, and had no need to see other guys. But the signals from him were getting stronger, until he actually started playing matchmaker, trying to find someone I could cheat on him with.
This is just one of the reasons why he transitioned from partner to ex.
With my current partner: Each of us is monogamous, but doesn’t require it from the other . . . who is monogamous anyway. This has worked for over 25 years.
I’m just glad you realize there is a difference. Being attracted to someone doesn’t mean you want to have sex with them.
And I went with the single option. I’d have went with the food, but Skald appears to be in charge of it. I’m sure he’s a great cook and all, but the food would probably turn me evil or something.
It is complicated. I expect my Wife to be faithful, just as much as I expect to be faithful to her. I rather think that is part of the marriage agreement. However, I also expect her to have random fantasies. Can’t control what is in her head.
I want my partner to value monogamy–I want it to be a shared value that we both have. That doesn’t mean he would never be attracted to someone else, or have sexual thought about someone else, but I want him to be the sort of person who would, even as he was having sexual thoughts about someone else, also value our shared monogamy and would not want to violate it.
I don’t want a guy who only “walks the line” because I am so amazing that he finally found a girl worth not cheating on, or a girl who so fulfills him that he never is tempted. I want a guy who’d be faithful even to a crazy bitch in a loveless marriage because that’s who he is.
No opinion on the poll, but I want to let you know that I’ve bookmarked that recipe. It actually looks good and I really need to learn how to make casseroles.
When I got married, I wanted to be monogamous, and wanted my wife to want to be.
Marriage is hard. It’s unreasonable to expect anybody to not ever want another person over a lifetime, so now I’m satisfied with us both being monogamous because it would hurt the other.
Value monogamy in principle, since I think it is a matter of trust, assuming both sides want this, of course. Monogamy does not mean no fantasies about someone else, or no looking - just no acting.
So far, so good.
My answer is that monogomy is cool if that’s what my partner wants. I value it on its own, and if my partner does too, great. If a future partner says, “I want us to have an open relationship” I would consider that as well.
If we are saying “monogamy is important as a shared value” in the way I think Manda JO is talking, then fine. The trouble is, I don’t know how I could show that I was being monogamous because I wanted to instead of monogamous because my partner wanted me to be, even if I was being monogamous.
It sounds sort of like the (hypothetical) SO who said “I want you to be monogamous because you want it” is saying “it isn’t enough for you to act a certain way - you have to feel a certain way” and that never works out.
If I am doing the right thing, then it can’t matter how I feel when I am doing it. If doing the right thing for reasons other than what someone else wants me to feel isn’t good enough, then we have a problem.
I voted for 2 because it was as close as I could get, because there wasn’t an option for “This kind of discussion never ends up well”. I can’t cut my feelings to fit, I can only control my actions.
The “shared value” thing is where I’m coming from. I don’t think that I would personally be comfortable in a relationship with someone who didn’t value monogamy. The same way that I’d prefer to be with someone who doesn’t smoke because they don’t like smoking, as opposed to someone who quits for me. Doing something “for” someone, and going against your own instincts and desires to do so, can be a gesture of love, sure, but it can also breed contempt in the wrong circumstances. So why risk that? I found someone whose thoughts on monogamy match my own (in theory, of course - I can’t see into his head), and I feel better that way.
Jimmy Carter The Playboy Interview - Excerpt
November 1976
“Because I’m just human and I’m tempted and Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. The Bible says, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Christ said, I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery. I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times… This is something that God recognizes, that I will do and have done, and God forgives me for it. But that doesn’t mean that I condemn someone who not only looks on a woman with lust but who leaves his wife and shacks up with somebody out of wedlock. Christ says, don’t consider yourself better than someone else because one guy screws a whole bunch of women while the other guy is loyal to his wife. The guy who’s loyal to his wife ought not to be condescending or proud because of the relative degree of sinfulness.”
I’m substituting turkey for chicken in that recipe.
For me I’d prefer that he BE monogamous and not WANT to rather than if he were to WANT to be and NOT BE…
I think what bup said expresses my feelings as well. Not hurting each other is pretty foundational to a relationship. That and I’m a big proponent of the Golden Rule so besides my not cheating on him because I would be hurt if he cheated on me, how the people we cheated with would be affected also plays into it.
For reasons having nothing to do with monogamy or fidelity we’ve been separated for over two years. But in reading and thinking about this thread my thoughts are of my husband and not in the abstract, which I’m finding vaguely unsettling.
I’d want my partner to share the belief that monogamy is the right thing for this relationship. I don’t mind if he thinks polyamory would be a good idea in another setting, but I wouldn’t want him to be saying “The only thing that keeps me from banging other chicks is that it’d upset you.”