What does "showing respect" to your SO mean?

[The_Devil_s_Grandmother]

@Superhal

OUTSIDE of telling jokes, not telling jokes, changing the way I tell jokes, joking, teasing, insulting, sarcasm, etc. etc. etc. HOW DO YOU SHOW RESPECT? HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND?

You show respect for someone by accepting that their opinions are valuable, and (if reasonable) changing your behavior to match. If your boss demanded that you wear a suit and tie to work, and you thought the annoyance of wearing a suit and tie was less than the pleasure of keeping your job, you’d wear it, right? If your wife asked you to perform a neutral action (to you) that mattered a great deal (to her) you’d do it, right? This might be something easy like using the air vents in the car instead of rolling down the windows which musses her hair; or it might be something hard, like going to the opera with her.
You show respect for your spouse by listening when s/he talks to you, and paying attention to the non-verbal signals. Keep your promises. Be on time. Play nice. Don’t be a jerk. Apologize when you need to. Do your jobs with a minimum of complaining.

Superhal, how do you show respect to your coworkers? How did you show respect to your teachers at school?

[cjepson]

@Renee

Still think he’s just a misunderstood sweetheart, cjepson?

I was trying to keep open the possibility. But with his latest comment about compliments (“everybody knows it’s a lie”)… if that’s not more of his humor, then yeah, I think divorce is probably the way to go here.

[Lissla_Lissar]

Okay, because I’ve been reading this thread with interest, and because you keep asking for ways to show respect that aren’t a further discussion about whether your should stop making jokes, here’s some of the advice that’s been given. I think it’s all very good. I particularly think that the quality you should be trying to show is admiration.

Never, ever, ever, make her the butt of the joke.

Just pay attention to how she reacts to the way you treat her and CARE about how she reacts.
Contempt is when someone thinks the person they are with is inferior to them in some fundamental way: not really as smart, not really as capable, not really as attractive, not really as talented. It’s when they think the other person is the one that got lucky in the marriage, when they feel like they “settled” just a bit, or made a choice that is beneath them and now they are stuck.

So I wouldn’t work on respecting your wife, I’d work on admiring her. If you don’t admire her, I hope you did at some point–try to get back to that place.

Also, you can’t tease her about things that could possibly be true. My husband will tease me about being crazy and stupid. This is funny because I have no insecurities about being crazy or stupid, nor would I think for even a second that he thought I was crazy or stupid. If he’d ever, ever, ever given me any real reason to doubt his sincere admiration of my intelligence and good sense, those jokes wouldn’t be funny anymore. When I was overweight, he never, ever teased me about my appearance because I really was uncomfortable about it. Now that I feel pretty good about my weight, he’ll tease me.

So, definitely, find ways to sincerely compliment your wife. And don’t just shut down any humor in the relationship. Just don’t direct that humor at your wife. In other words, don’t make fun of her, find something else funny so she can get in on the joke, too. And if she’s not laughing, talk about something else.

From the perspective of a child, one thing that really stuck out is that they often said nice things about each other to us: “Your daddy is such a nice man” or “Your mother’s ability to focus is nothing short of incredible”. I grew up thinking of both my parents as extraordinary, and I think that’s because that it how they saw each other. My husband and I strive for the same sort of dynamic.

happily coupled partners have an irrationally distorted positive opinion of their beloved. They tend to overestimate positive qualities and underestimate negative ones. I believe it because I am happily married and I think my husband is pretty god-like. I know he also feels the same way about me. We shower one another with compliments all the time. It feels wonderful to know that someone thinks that highly of you - how could you not love someone who is constantly making you feel so good about yourself?
People are always right about their own feelings. She’s not lying about how she feels, and no argument about how she should feel will change anything.
So, what I think you need to do is look for things to admire about her, rather than things to be critical of. When she does some minor thing that is good, go overboard on the praise, to the point where it is funny “Goddess of shower scrubbing, grand master of sparkly bathrooms,” whatever. Overemphasis her good qualities, rather than her bad ones.
Here’s a way. Give your wife honest, loving compliments. Do it a lot. Think about what makes her happy, and do that. Do not just do stereotypical ‘make woman happy’ things like teddy bears and chocolate roses, unless she actually likes those things.
Look for jobs around the house that need doing, and do them. Find a nice little something that makes you think of her, and get it for no reason other than that she will like it. If she seems tired, get her dinner. Spend time with her–snuggling on the couch, giving her a little massage or whatever, asking her opinion about things (sincerely).
I’ve heard that you have to say at least seven compliments for every insult that you say in a relationship. I know (having experienced it myself and seen it in others) that insults, no matter how much love you put behind them, are destructive - destructive to the recipient and destructive to her feelings for you. If you get the book that I recommended above, Dr. Cookerly talks about the different ways of showing love. It’s my belief that each of these ways of showing love have an antithetical behavior that destroys love, and that insults are the antithesis of loving words.

[Beadalin]

Other ideas that have nothing to do with your sense of humor:

1. Do you listen when she talks, or are you just being quiet and waiting for your turn?

2. In conversation on any given topic, do you elicit her thoughts and feelings, or do you jump in with your own? A habit worth developing is to ask yourself, before you open your mouth, “Is this something she needs to hear, or is it something I want to say?” A lot of times, the two are different. Think how much faster meetings at work would go if everyone adhered to that rule.

3. Brag about her to others in front of her. Brag about her to others behind her back, just to get in the habit of it. My husband does that all the time and it’s fucking awesome, seriously.

4. Go out of your way to befriend the people in her circle – her family, her friends. My husband will occasionally email my sister and my mom just to say hello and see how they’re doing (they’re out of state). I love that he does that; it makes it feel like there isn’t a “my side” and “his side” of the family, there’s just our family.

5. When you’re going through a rough patch, do you lean on her for support, or do you withdraw? A sense of teamwork through adversity is an amazing thing.

Overall, an analogy that works for me for all relationships is to think of the relationship as a bank account. You’re entitled to make withdrawals, but in order to make those withdrawals, you gotta make deposits. You cannot constantly take out more than you put in. The “deposits” are compliments, acts of kindness, favors performed willingly, holding up your end of the household maintenance, stuff like that.

[Dogzilla]

@Beadalin

Other ideas that have nothing to do with your sense of humor:

1. Do you listen when she talks, or are you just being quiet and waiting for your turn?

Or do you interrupt, talk over her, or make a joke out of everything she says?

5. When you’re going through a rough patch, do you lean on her for support, or do you withdraw? A sense of teamwork through adversity is an amazing thing.

Conversely, do you offer support when she’s going through a rough patch? Or is she expected to be your rock but she’s on her own when the going gets tough? It’s nice if you can lean on her when you need to, but respect would be being available for her to lean on you when she needs to. Which is why this:

Overall, an analogy that works for me for all relationships is to think of the relationship as a bank account. You’re entitled to make withdrawals, but in order to make those withdrawals, you gotta make deposits. You cannot constantly take out more than you put in. The “deposits” are compliments, acts of kindness, favors performed willingly, holding up your end of the household maintenance, stuff like that.

Is a really great analogy.

[overlyverbose]

@Superhal

Wow, looks like the feminazi’s moved in when I wasn’t looking.

To clarify: I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I work with my wife constantly about how to change my joke telling style, topics, and timing. I have it to a point where everybody is happy.

OUTSIDE of telling jokes, not telling jokes, changing the way I tell jokes, joking, teasing, insulting, sarcasm, etc. etc. etc. HOW DO YOU SHOW RESPECT? HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND?

Update: I’m trying the compliment thing as mentioned in this thread with interesting results. Everybody knows it’s a lie but everybody feels better. I never would have thought it would work.

Everyone is NOT happy - your wife has told you explicitly that she isn’t happy.

And, unless you are a comedian, “working for years” on jokes is ridiculous. Perhaps you should work more on your listening skills.

Also, I think it sucks that you assume all compliments are lies. Do you seriously believe that? If you think the compliments you are telling your wife constitute telling your wife lies, then you have bigger problems in your marriage than your so-called sense of humor. If you feel you have to lie to compliment your wife, why are you married to her? You obviously don’t think much of her, otherwise it wouldn’t be such a hardship to tell her she’s doing something well.

[tdn]

I’m really curious for an update.

[Anaamika]

Yeah! Us feminazis want an update! Though I think it’s just going to be more of “You guys are all wrong, I can make whatever jokes I like, everyone loves my jokes, I am so fucking funny.”

Let me tell you, I know sarcasm and you are not it.

[Hello_Again]

The irony, it burns us.

[Zsofia]

More sad than burning, IMHO.

[TruCelt]

SuperHal, since you don’t seem to be interested enough to read the books recommended to you, I’ll straight out say it: What you are doing is verbal abuse.

Verbal Abuse
Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

http://www.verbalabuse.com/page3/page3.html

If you’ve heard, “You’re Too Sensitive” you’ve heard verbal abuse.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal Abuse – The Characteristics

Verbal abuse is a very common malady that attacks every human being at some point in their lives; some more than others. It can be a very devastating form of abuse when the person experiences the attacks frequently. Verbal abuse cannot be readily seen like bruises, but it causes mental and emotional harm. Characteristics identifying verbal abuse are, but not limited to:
[ul]
[li]Always referring to the opinions of others as irrelevant and wrong.[/li][li]**Inconsideration of a person’s feelings. **[/li][li]**Using verbal abusiveness jokingly. **[/li][li]Refusing to listen to others.[/li][li]Using accusations and blame to manipulate and control others.[/li][li]Being judgmental and critical of others.[/li][li]**Belittling the concerns of others. **[/li][li]Consistently berates a person’s confidence.[/li][li]Threatens to do physical harm.[/li][li]Name-calling.[/li][/ul]

If what you have told us is true, then you are a verbal abuser. What are you going to do about it?

[Freudian_Slit]

@Superhal

Usually the praise I get is thinly masked sarcasm or insults. For some reason, I am always surrounded by passive aggressive people who think they’re so intelligent (or everyone else is so stupid) they can get away with it.

Superhal, if what you’ve said here is true, then you know what it feels like to hear this kind of thing. Your wife says she doesn’t like it, so don’t subject her to it either.

Also, if you’re surrounded by passive aggressive types, maybe your behavior is a part of why people are treating you with sarcasm.

[cjepson]

@Hello_Again

The irony, it burns us.

OK, I take back what I said about divorce. Being a total armchair psychoanalyst here, I’m guessing that Superhal grew up in a toxic environment that has left him feeling very cynical when it comes to things like praise. If so, then Superhal, I’m sorry you were dealt such a shitty hand. You’ve worked out a way of dealing with it that may work for you, but maybe is not so great for others and may be costing you more than you think. OK, I’ll stop with the superciliousness now.

[Hello_Again]

@cjepson

OK, I take back what I said about divorce. Being a total armchair psychoanalyst here, I’m guessing that Superhal grew up in a toxic environment that has left him feeling very cynical when it comes to things like praise. If so, then Superhal, I’m sorry you were dealt such a shitty hand. You’ve worked out a way of dealing with it that may work for you, but maybe is not so great for others and may be costing you more than you think. OK, I’ll stop with the superciliousness now.

I think we established that Superhal had a crappy, depressing childhiood, that’s not really in doubt.

Superhal, do think your wife would agree with this statement: “Usually the praise I get is thinly masked sarcasm or insults.”

Is that what you want for her? Is it what you want for yourself?

[tdn]

Superhal, I know you don’t like the suggestions being proffered, but could you try them for one week? If they don’t work out you can always go back to your old ways.

[Anaamika]

Just wondering…Why do we care so much? I mean, his wife chooses to stay with him, regardless. There is always more in a relationship than what you see on the surface. I’m not saying his behavior isn’t douchey, but meh. shrugs It’s his and his wife’s lookout!

[stpauler]

I could be wrong but…

Look, Superhal started this thread. He seemed to think that there might be something wrong with his relationship and while maybe thinking it might be one of those “some folks think this way, some folks think that way” kind of thread, it turned into “we all think this way, except you” kind of thread. I’ve had those before and the common reaction is to get defensive. It’s natural.

However, it’s not often that a collective of dopers in this size is collectively wrong. So take that pride and swallow it. Think about the actions you’re doing and the words and advice given and start working on rebuilding yourself. You’ll not just improve your relationship but yourself.

[Lakai]

@stpauler

I could be wrong but…

Look, Superhal started this thread. He seemed to think that there might be something wrong with his relationship and while maybe thinking it might be one of those “some folks think this way, some folks think that way” kind of thread, it turned into “we all think this way, except you” kind of thread. I’ve had those before and the common reaction is to get defensive. It’s natural.

Another difficulty is that Superhal values his sarcastic wit. He might feel that it makes him superior to others because he doesn’t put up with bullshit like everyone else. It’s hard to change something that you think is a core part of who you are and what makes you special.

FWIW, you don’t have to choose between telling jokes and tolerating BS. You can just give up on jokes when the truth hurts too much to be useful. Or just learn to be more tactful when “telling your wife the truth” with sarcasm.

[Zsofia]

@Anaamika

Just wondering…Why do we care so much? I mean, his wife chooses to stay with him, regardless. There is always more in a relationship than what you see on the surface. I’m not saying his behavior isn’t douchey, but meh. shrugs It’s his and his wife’s lookout!

BECAUSE SOMEBODY IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET!

Well, also we have a pathological need to help. I keep having to stomp on my pinkies to keep myself from posting to those threads that are really howls for attention because I want people to feel better and treat their wives better and pet their cats more. Can’t help it. If I were an old Jewish lady I’d keep trying to set women up with handsome young doctors.

[TruCelt]

I don’t “Care so much.” I slept just fine last night. But I do care enough to respond with the truth as I see it. Just as, in the past, I have greatly appreciated folks on the internet caring enough to give me their input.