So, the wife and I have been married about seven years, and we’re starting to talk kids in the more real sense, and less the ephemeral sense. I’m all for it, and think we would make pretty sensible parents.
But.
Would you be insulted if your husband wanted to have a conversation about whether your sure that your marriage will last at least the 18 years till the kid is out of the house?
Don’t get me wrong. Our marriage is fine, and I think we’re doing great. But, I want to be sure (or at least as sure as I can be) that if we’re gonna do the kid thing, we can offer them two parents who still want to be together while they’re being raised (and hopefully forever).
Buddy, I’m a guy, not a wife. And even I with my natural obliviousness to what sets women off see this one as a minefield you don’t want to enter.
I think that it should be assumed that, if you’re moving into the fertilization arena, your marriage is stable enough that both of you expect it to last.
As for bringing up the question that way? YOU go ahead. I’m heading for the bunker.
I’m a pretty reasonable, easy-to-get-along-with kind of girl, and wife, or so my husband says.
However, I would have to say I’d probably be a little insulted. Maybe insulted isn’t the word. “Surprised” might be closer.
I don’t know what your vows consisted of, but when I got married, I spoke words that I meant, and that was for better or worse, I was going to stick by this guy. “For worse” may or may not mean “when kids become part of the equation.” When I married, I kind of married for keeps, you might say. Forever. That’s what many of us hope by getting hitched to begin with. I can’t speak for everybody, of course, this is just me personally. So if my husband brought it up, I’d think it was a little bit weird. I’d ask him his reasons for asking the question. Did he think I was going to cheat on /leave him? Did he feel he might cheat on/leave me? Health reasons? Trust issues? Stability issues? What? People don’t just grasp a random question out of the air, there must be a reason to ask it. And so I’d want to know why. I think the question itself is fair enough, but keep in mind, your partner may seriously wonder why this didn’t come up before you got married. Or if you did, why is it coming up now. If you’re the type of person who needs constat reassurance, and she knows that, the question could go over just fine.
Again, I’m only speaking for myself. I don’t think I’d be insulted, or that a question like that could destroy our marriage, but I’d say you should tread very carefully. It could cause unnecessary stress and strain. There are some people who could take a question like that to heart, and be very hurt by it. And there are others who wouldn’t. Use caution.
It might be insulting, it might cause a fight, but y’know what? If you’re anxious about this, maybe better the fight now rather than later. Like when you’ve got 2 kids and she’s leaving to “find herself.”
I am a big advocate for premarital counseling, and if I stopped to think about it, I’d be equally in favor of married people planning to have kids spending a few sessions figuring out what they mean by parenthood. Are their reasons for having kids the same? Do they have generally compatible beliefs about how to raise them? Do they agree on the importance of staying together to raise them?
If you play this right, it could come across as you being very concerned about being a good dad. Ask if there’s anything you need to do to make sure the marriage is strong enough to support the kids. Maybe in terms of thinking “Do I need a job with less travel, or less overtime?” or “Do I need to plan to give up guys/gals’ night out?”
If you have a pastor or a family doctor, they may be able to help you have a productive conversation about this, without raising it to a fight. And there will never be any guarantees in life, so having kids will always be a risk.
When I got married 12 years ago, if was forever. Had our first child 9 years ago. Our second 6 years ago. We are terrific parents… but… Got separated almost two years ago. Heading towards a divorce. We’re still great parents though.
It’s not how I wanted to raise my kids. Divorce was never part of the plan. But I’m still damn good father. My ex is still a great mother. We’re just not together anymore. Our kids, however, are still ours and we do everything we can to make sure they know they are loved by both of us. It’s not without it’s challenges and setbacks but I can’t imagine a life without them.
I don’t think you can ask for guarantees. There are none. I wish only the best for you and your wife and future family, but unfortunate events do happen. Illness, accidents, death. Things that make divorce look like a breeze. Play the cards life deals you. Just make sure you want to be a parent.
That was the 20 megaton device that initiated the penultimate argument in my former marriage. And the answer (to that conversation) was, in retrospect, no.
It seems like a reasonable discussion to have before launching into the vast unknown and hazard-fill wilderness of child rearing, but then, I like cold toliet seats. Clearly, any advice you get from me involving happy martial relationships should be taken only in the inimical or cautionary sense.
I’m a husband, not a wife, but I wouldn’t be in the least insulted if my wife brought this up. In fact, I’d be glad she was thinking ahead, approaching childrearing with a realistic attitude instead of “la la la, it’ll be lovely all the time.”
I’m not sure that every woman who thinks this is an odd question is thinking “la la la, it’ll be lovely all the time.” I myself think the question would be weird, but I’m pretty darn realistic about marriage and its ups, downs, and boring middles. I’d wonder why this didn’t come up before marriage, and why it’s coming up now. That way, with those questions answered, a discussion can take place. Without those questions answered, I’d probably be suspicious - but that’s me, and has a lot to do with my past. Everyone will be different.
Some would take this worse than others. Some have no trouble. Like I said, it wouldn’t end my marriage, or cause me to explode, however, as some have contributed to the thread, it could, depending on your partner. I still say use caution. Men and women are wired differently, and you might find yourself diffusing a bomb. Or sitting in the aftermath with your hair singed.
Remember, what is said today may not be meant tomorrow.
If you ask, and she says yes, in the long run it may not mean anything. You can never predict when seperation or divorce is going to happen. If she says “Yes, I will be there forever” today, she may not feel it 10, 15, 20 years from now.
I have had the conversation with myself, and I’m pretty comfortable with the idea. I want to know if SHE has had the conversation with herself, and would feel more comfortable myself if she has.
I guess I tend to be pretty rational (though I’ve been called unemotional), which is why I started this thread in the first place. I have a tendency to start conversations that seem entirely innocuous to me. So, is my consciously thinking about this such an odd thing? It seems so normal to me.
We discuss stuff like this. Not in terms of kids, don’t have, don’t want. In terms of watching in horror as our friends screw each other over come divorce time. One person tried to get their spouse who was legally in the country deported. Just the week before, he had been talking about how much he loved her and wanted to save the marriage.
So we have talked about how apparently divorce makes you do insane and horrid things to people that you loved and respected, how we do not want to do that, and you know, round it out by affirming that we hope that it never comes to divorce anyway.
I would personally be uncomfortable if my husband didn’t feel he could raise this issue with me. Yes, we vowed that we’d be together permanently, but so did my parents and their marriage imploded after 27 years, and it was a mess. I am committed to doing everything I can to keep our marriage together, and I believe the same of my husband, but I know there are very few guarantees in life. And I’m just happy that he feels safe enough to discuss scary and unpleasant things with me.
I’m not married, not a woman, and not in a long-term relationship. With those caveats in mind, it would seem to me that this is a reasonable concern if you’re thinking about having children - if it were brought up in the sense of: “Are we ready for an 18+ year committment?” I wouldn’t think it’s unreasonable, and would agree with the other dopers who’ve said that it would seem to be a reasonable question, even if the answer isn’t exactly going to be a guarantee of future action.
Unfortunately, I can also see how some people of my acquaintance would not respond well to such a question. (My mother being the top five positions on that list.)
I think the best you can do is explain your whole thought process and the context of it, and hope your wife understands you well enough to see what you’re getting at with the question.
