I think we’ve established that Long Island iced tea and and the various -tini drinks automatically peg the drinker as someone of poor taste (or something - if you like 'em, I won’t hold it against you). Are there any drinks that, when you see someone order them, automatically make you take notice and think “Hey! There’s someone who knows what they’re doing?”
Years ago I ordered a White Russian in a casino bar. Two young guys (who had never even seen The Big Lebowski, it turns out) immediately perked up and began treating me with a certain deferential awe. Not sure that qualifies considering the source, but you know what I mean.
Clarification: any drink ending in -tini that does not start with mar- is a girl drink. Additionally any drink served in a martini glass which is not a martini is a girl drink.
However a martini is traditionally the mark of an experienced and serious drinker. A gibson may also be acceptable.
Ordering the liquor you want by name goes a long ways towards showing that you know what you are doing. Saying I want a “beer” makes you look like an idiot. Saying you want a “whiskey shot” makes you look like an idiot. Even if you are fine with well liquor to save a buck be specific, say well whiskey. Don’t make me guess.
Straight drinks like scotch, bourbon or tequila ordered neat or on the rocks tend to be legit, but make sure you know what you want. “Your best scotch” tells me that you are probably faking it.
Mixed drinks aren’t always a bad thing. Ordering a Captain and Coke or a Sapphire and Tonic is perfectly acceptable. Know the difference between a double, a tall and a double tall though. If you don’t want a garnish or want a non-traditional garnish specify it. Don’t make me double back to fix drinks that you ordered improperly.
Fruity drinks aren’t inherently bad. Bartenders understand that some people have low tolerances or simply aren’t looking to get drunk. Some fruity drinks plain old taste good. They are fine, just be specific. If you want an Amaretto Sour or Stone Sour go ahead and order it, but be clear and know what you want. “Something girlie” is not an acceptable drink order. An “amaretto sour, but strong!” is not acceptable.
If you want a Bud Light, that’s fine too, but be specific about draft or bottle. Have a preference and communicate it, that shows that you know what you are doing.
Long Island Iced Teas and Appletini’s however and Buttery Nipples or Blowjob Shots are universally a bad idea. They can’t be helped.
Anything that includes more than two ingredients (not counting garnishes like olives or lime wedges) is NOT A SERIOUS DRINK. You take some liquor, and you mix at most ONE THING with it (soda, tonic, lime juice, bitters). The mixer may not be Coke or some other flavored soda. (So no rum & coke or 7 & 7.) And, in general, the name of the drink should say what the ingredients are, although some classics like martinis and gimlets get grandfathered in.
No drink confers credibility. I know total douchebags who like to spend 10 minutes hovered over a list of bourbon (or wine, etc.) before making a big show of ordering their drinks. Not to say there is anything wrong with drinking 12-year-old Laphroaig, but most of those “liquor aficionados” bore me to tears.
The old fashioned has the same problem as pinot noir had a few years ago: its association with a trendy pop culture figure. Doesn’t make it bad, but it’s become hard to order without someone remarking about Don Draper.
A few years ago I was buying a bottle of wine for an outgoing boss and asked my local vintner for something that would express great respect. The first thing he suggested, given that my boss wasn’t a huge wine guy, was pinot. I gave him a sideways smile, and he nodded and moved on.
I got mucho respect in France once for ordering a bottle of wine.
Mr. Athena and I went to a moderately decent restaurant for lunch. It had been recommended to us by a winemaker we had visited a few days previously, and he’d told us they carried his wines.
Upon entering the restaurant, we got the stereotypical French snob treatment. Nobody spoke English, they seated us but barely talked to us, etc. etc. Which was fine, we speak enough French to be OK in restaurants, and we really wanted to eat there so we put up with their slight snobbery.
It kept up until we ordered the wine. The waiter gave us a slightly odd look when we ordered it, then ran off and conferred with the hostess. Hostess looks at him, looks at us, and marches over. Suddenly, she speaks English. “Do you know about this wine you ordered?”
“Oh yes,” we reply. “We visited Monsieur Tempe the other day, and are big fans of his wine. We are very excited and lucky to have found this particular bottle and are very much looking forward to it.”
Suddenly, we are the best friends of everyone in the restaurant. They all speak English! We are fawned over and lovingly served and everything is just great for the entire lunch. All because we knew to order that bottle of wine.
Tread lightly. Often the obscure old time drink tends to look like some douchey hipster trying to hard to be quirky. They are ordering a drink because it sounded tough when the Googled it one time. These people can typically be exposed when you ask them what’s in it. If they aren’t specific about the liquor it’s made with they get a crooked look, like they think they are going to one-up me.
I love, love Old Fashioneds. And I was drinking them long before Mad Men came on TV. Draper can suck it.
But, if it means I no longer have to order it as a “Bourbon Old Fashioned,” I’ll be happy. Stupid Wisconsinites and their love of brandy - every bartender around here thinks I want brandy when I order one. No! No brandy!