In this threadthe OP outlines how it’s really, really desperately important to her to have third child and wonders if it’s worth terminating her marriage to achieve this end.
Several female dopers offer advice and indicate that they also had very powerful “baby fits” where they really. really wanted another child, but through various strategies got over it.
What is this “baby fit” feeling? Is it hormonal or just situational?
I suppose it’s both. I call it baby lust. It’s a pretty overwhelming feeling and can be very strong, though it varies with the person–I suppose some people don’t get it. I’m having a hard time putting it into words though. Here’s my best shot.
For myself, it was like something very deep in my brain clicked. About a week after I got married, it hit–which was a bit of a surprise. It was kind of like I was arguing with myself.
Brain stem: OK, we did it, we got married, now it’s time to have a baby.
Me: No, wait, we both have to finish school first. We’re waiting a few years, remember?
Brain stem: Not important. Baby important.
Me: No, that wasn’t the plan.
Brain stem: BABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABY!!!
A newlywed friend of mine reported the same thing going on in her mind. I practically had to beat it back with a stick until it was time to give in. It hit again when my daughter was a year old (causing me to be very unhappy that the doctor wanted me to wait two years) and when my second was about 18 months old. A lot of it was specifically wanting to be pregnant, too.
Baby lust will easily cause a person to get all teary at the sight of a pregnant woman, baby, small child, or even when reading a description of pregnancy. This is the simple version, uncomplicated by fertility problems or post-miscarriage grief, which is capable of turning a normal woman into someone utterly obsessed with getting pregnant (which, I suppose, is normal from a biological POV).
Wow. So most women have these feelings? Is it really common? I’m a non-baby-wanting woman, and have never had a maternal instinct in my life. I know, of course, that lots of people want kids, but I didn’t realize it was common for the desire to be so all-consuming. That’s fascinating.
+1 … i have absolutely NO desire for a sprog to pop out of these loins.
I have to say other than being very protective over my godchildren, I have no desire for a set of my own, and that protectiveness tends to extend to all children. I have a feeling that that feeling of protectiveness is probably pretty close to universal but I dont think it is particularly maternal as men can feel just as protective.
No baby fits here either. Several of my exes or one-dates seemed to be having serious baby fits, though, or maybe they thought it was a sound strategy.
ETA: I’m female, they were male.
I’d be happy never having kids, but there was a time in my mid-20’s when the sight of a young father with a little kid would move me to tears. Hormonal.
In the past I’ve always said I didn’t really care, but now it is fairly well killing me to see all my friends and family having children when we’re having no success and not much time left. Probably not female hormones in this situation since I’m a man, though the wife feels the same way. I’m kicking myself for not taking the initiative when her biological alarm ought to have sounded a few years ago.
I didn’t say that “most” women have them; I have no idea what percentage of womandom experiences it. I know it’s not uncommon. Seems like a pretty good idea from a biological standpoint.
And extrapolating from two people’s experiences, it can be triggered by events for at least some people; I never had it until I got married. I thought that was pretty weird, really.
I wonder if baby lust is equally strong as the sexual drive of most men.
Dangermom describes it quite well. It’s not exactly something which you dwell on constantly, but something which your brain pokes you with several times a day. And ditto on the getting all weepy over little kids. If my marriage had been good, I’d have had a third child 'cause of it.
What’s really sad is when baby lust hits your wife so strongly, but nothing happens, and you have years of infertility treatments, and things seem to go well a couple times, but twice she miscarries in the first trimester, and there’s nothing you can say to console her.
I guess that’s something for another board, really.
Ed
I occasionally get all achy at the idea of being pregnant and having a child, but it only happens when I’m around pregnant women or small children. I take this as a blessing, as I’m 36, single, and never been married. The chances of me having children dwindle a little more every month. I really don’t need the emotional burden of baby lust along with everything else.
I vote for biological.
Rationally speaking, having a baby is inconvenient. We are fortunate that pregnancy and childbirth are not as perilous as they once were, but they’re not without risk to the mother. Children eat up resources, both financial and emotional. New parents tend to be chronically sleep deprived. When you look at parenting from a purely practical standpoint, it’s insane. You don’t even get the benefit of exploiting child labor for *years *after the kid is born.
The drive to reproduce has to be hard-wired strongly enough to overcome all of the excellent reasons not to reproduce. It appears to me that nature has seen to it not only by including sexual drives, but the drive to create offspring.
Which explains why, after two years of being baby-lust free and with two happy healthy kids in the house, I’m getting *those *feelings again. Made all the more frustrating by the fact that this is not a good time and my partner is ambivalent. Mostly I try to ignore them, but I fear they will get worse. That’s when I see my health care practitioner about a more long-term solution. Or decide to jump back into the sleepless parenting of a diaper-wearing tiny person again (assuming the spouse gets over the ambivalence)
As for “fits” being situational - I have a single friend who is still trying to get established in her career. She has given serious thought to intentionally becoming a single mother in spite of being well aquainted with the difficulties inherent in such a choice. Her situation is far from ideal, but that is how much she wants to be a mother. And I get it.
I don’t know how many women experience it, but I know I have. My friends and I refer to it as getting broody. The longing is so intense that it feels almost physical. dangermom describes it well. Your lizard brain just takes over your rational brain for brief spells.
Yup. It’s really pretty amazing how strong and irrational it can be. I mean, my older daughter was born after 24 hours of horrible unproductive labor. By the time we got to the c-section, I couldn’t stop shaking from exhaustion and she was in trouble too. The very next day, once I was awake and able to see/hold the baby, and I was still in a lot of pain and unable to go to the bathroom, I looked at my husband and said “Well that wasn’t so bad. I can do that again.” He looked like this: :eek:
Wait for it. From the age of 20 to 30 I didn’t have any maternal instincts either. For the past year or so, the thought of having kids has been on my mind more often than it was in previous five combined. For me it’s a change from “no!” to “well maybe…” but I bet it’s even worse for people who start out at maybe or definitely.
I’ve been waiting for it most of my life, and it’s never come. I never really planned on not having kids - I figured at some point the idea of a child would go from “ick” to “omg I want one” and it never has. I’ll be 39 in a month and a half. For me, it’s not gonna happen.
At the very highest point of my wondering about having kids, it was always a mind thing, never anything near a physical yearning. Heck, it wasn’t even as much as a craving. I’ve wanted chocolate more than I ever wanted a kid.
Had it here, too. dangermom’s description is a good one.
It’s very much like the cravings I had when quitting smoking. I’d have this rational side all prepared with all the reasons I wanted to not smoke, but that damn lizard brain just kept going, “cigarettecigarettecigarettecigarette!” Very, very much the same, included the knotted up stomach and weepiness.
I was able to beat it off with the proverbial stick for several years while I was working, but after I was laid off and had all that free time on my hands, we gave up the fight.
It hasn’t come back at that level, although my daughter’s 3.5. Mostly it’s the not wanting to die thing that’s keeping it at bay, though. Another labor would not be a good thing for me. And my husband’s completely 100% against adoption, so that’s not going to happen. I’ll just have to settle for being mother hen to all my real life and internet friends.
Well, you certainly do a good job at that. 
I always enjoy reading your parenting posts here, despite being pretty sure I’ll never need the advice.