That was my first thought too, but then I realized whoever he helps, he usually ends up uncovering some unsavoury secret they hide, and depressing the hell out of his clients i.e Voodoo River and Stalking the Angel.
But to answer the OP I would say- Tracer Bullet (from Calvin and Hobbes.)
Mason’s an attorney, not a detective.
I’d go with Encyclopedia Brown. That kid’s got potential.
I’d probably pick Nick Charles from the “Thin Man” movies. He always seems to be two steps ahead of everyone else, plus he’d be a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with.
If he wasn’t available, Nero Wolfe. He’s not as much fun as Nick, but Archie seems like a good guy, and they definately get results. Plus, maybe I’d get to have some of Fritz’s cooking.
“Hire” Columbo? Tsk, tsk, manwithaplan. He’s a COP, remember? That’s the beauty of choosing him; you don’t have to pay a dime. Just get him assigned to your case, and you’ll be cleared faster than you can say “just one more thing.”
He’s not a complete detective, but I’d want Perry Mason on my side. Not only does he always prove that you’re innocent, but he always finds out the guilty party and forces them to confess while in court.
Not to mention he was also my idol when I was 10 before I found out that he wasn’t real.
-foxy
Still heartbroken to this day.
Well, I wouldn’t hire Lew Archer. He’d wander around chasing down dead end leads, getting in fights with wimpy guys trying to impress seductive women out of their league, or getting ambushed and blackjacked by people in hiding when he finds yet another a dead body. All while while maintaining anentertaining but cynical inner monologue about the cheapness of life and the facade of respectability normal people hide behind everyday as they look down their noses on the drunks, hookers, hustlers, and bottom of the barrel people he deals with in the course of his work.
Archer probably wouldn’t take my case anyway, I’m not an attractive but down at the heels middle aged woman from a wealthy California oil family whose dead or burnout father or father-in-law was/is an ex-Navy officer who was broken by the war. And I’m not there looking for a lost or runaway husband or adult child who is usually working a scam faking their kidnapping.
The other folks forgot another reason to pick Rockford besides the dogged effort on his part, and the cheap rates that you may not have to pay anyway. Even though Jim says he doesn’t take active cases the police are working on (like your accused murder case), he probably will anyway, especially if you lay a good sob story on him or catch when a major appliance in his home breaks down and he needs the bread.
Hercule Poirot - After all, the very fact that I was employing him would imply that I lived among the idle rich, hung out with the priviledged affluential class, attending 'shooting weekends" at British country houses, or 'touring" Middle Eastern archeological digs, and I’d have a happy ending with some plucky, spirited no-nonsense, working-class gal. Also, I’m squeamish about blood, and there’s very little bloodshed in Poirot mysteries.
Munch: Vaguely remember Encyclopedia Brown, but yeah, he’s pretty goo, from what I recall.
Sketch: I don’t know, Tracer Bullet seems a little shady for me. I mean, the guy may be a detective, but it seems like when he’s doing that he should really be doing more imoprtant stuff. I want tomseone who’s focused, even if he isn’t - like Columbo. Yeah, he’s a cop, but since I’m not in L.A., he’d be on vacation and I wuld just have to reveal a little bit of the problem, and then all those little things would fall into place till if the real killer wasn’t found, I’d get off on lack of real evidence.
However, to totally clear my name, along with my defense attorney matlock, I’d want one man whose gray cells are always working, and who is a poor man’s Sherlock Holmes - Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot. Him conversing with Matlock or Perry Mason would be interesting indeed. Or with Columbo.
Francis Xavier Flynn!
I’d have to go with Holmes. Especially the Jeremy Brett Holmes with a decent Watson. You never even have to go to trial with Holmes & Watson on the case.
No one’s mentioned Sherlock Hemlock? Egad!
Omigod! I had forgotten all about him. Didn’t he always have to eat his sandwiches over the sink because they were so drippy? And wasn’t there always a mysterious lady involved in whatever he was working on. . . and she was wearing a “bottle green” dress?
Definitely Marlowe, even though that would ruin my chances of getting with him - he doesn’t fool around with clients. I’d feel horribly guilty if some bum snuffed him one in the grill while he was in my employ, as seems to happen so often, so maybe he’d let me make it up to him once I was cleared.
Encyclopedia Brown would only be effective in recognizing some witnesses fatal slip.
I’d pick Lisa Simpson. She would just have to show how Maggie did it.
Nero Wolfe!
If only on the off chance that Archie might call me “doll face.”
James Qwilleran, but only if he was allowed assistance from Koko and Yum Yum.
Another vote for Nero Wolfe – mostly so I could meet Archie, who I’ve been carrying a torch for for years. Escamillo, indeed.
Oh baby ARCHIE! Yeah! Yeah!
Or Richard Jury and Melrose Plant
But really if you want GUARANTEED succes Brian Macalvie… he and I would fight like cats and dogs…
all the way to bed
*hopefuly! *
Melrose Plant and Richard Jury - don’t want to meet Melrose’s aunt, though! (even though I’m from Milwaukee too)
I wouldn’t mind having Gregor Demarkian in my corner, either. Or Kinsey Milhone, Kay Scarpetta, Alex Delaware, Duncan Kincaid and Gemma Jones, Peter Decker and Rina Lazarus, Skip Langdon, Joanna Brady, Tempe Brennan, Amelia Peabody, Vicki Bliss, Lincoln Rhyme and Amelia Sachs…
OK I’ll stop now.
Krisfer the Cat, I didn’t see your post before I posted - great minds think alike! I agree - adding Macalvie to the mix would definitely ensure success!