Many otherwise law-abiding citizens harbor in the dark parts of our minds some brilliant hoax ala Clifford Irving or William Ireland.
My dream scam: the discovery of a lost recording by Buddy Bolden.
Born in 1877, Charles ‘Buddy’ Bolden was a New Orleans musician who is believed by some historians to have been the first jazz musician, playing brilliant improvised solos on his trumpet. Bolden suffered a mental breakdown in 1907 and never performed again, dying in 1932 in an institution, Although two photos of Bolden exist, no recordings do, and are not likely to (even though he probably did record): the beeswax cylinders of the day deteriorated badly with repeated plays. And in a climate like New Orleans, they’d probably melt even if not played at all.
The details of my scam: record a song as I imagine Bolden would have played it, filter it down to the proper bandwidth, add lots of noise, get or build a historically accurate cylinder and record it on it (the hardest part probably) and concoct a story about discovering it buried in some underground vault since 1905.
Think what that would be worth to music history: the first recorded jazz solo. With a lot or work and help from the right people (a good horn player, etc.), it might work.
Or at least would have worked, until I shared it here with the world. Which is I guess the whole point of this thread – sunlight being the best disinfectant.
I’d link computers together all over the country, then advertise an “inter-computer network” that people could use to communicate and trade information. Then, once people all over were hooked into using it I’d start selling access space to porn producers and advertisers. Particularly advertisers of dubious products that alledge to increase a mans penis length or diploma mills.
Ah, who am I kidding? Nobody’d ever fall for that.
I’d like to bring a past girlfriend’s dream to fruition and start the “Save the Unicorns Foundation.” We’d need to hire a huge team of skilled zoologists, some premier nature photographers, a top heavy upper management group and the usual boiler room platoon.
Barring that, I’d publish my magnum opus, “Great Swiss Naval Battles.” If that book launch didn’t fly, I’d trot out my technical reference manual, “Stage Lighting Effects for Broadcast Radio.”
Lets just say my plan is slightly more cunning and targeted to a specific audience that is bound to fall for it and has the resources to make it “come to fruitition”, so to speak.
I’ve always wanted to setup a shop where people buy natural energy sources that promote healing energies, improve karma, make your penis/breasts bigger.
What they get is random rocks in the post with a pretty booklet.
It’s a shame a few gazillion scammers beat me to this…
I’d want to scam people who believe in dumb shit, like astrology or conspiracy theories. Maybe say…uhh…write a book about a conspiracy. A conspiracy that is fairly well known, but in which no one has ever been hurt or killed. Hmmmm yeah that sounds like a good idea. But uhhhhh…can’t get get any more specific than that.
Hey, SOMEONE has to help fools part with their money
I’d find a relatively wealthy nation where Christianity hasn’t really caught on, and peddle my services as a minister. Not actually preaching or converting mind you, but doing all those cute little minister-y things like blessing supermarket openings and performing wedding ceremonies. Since the standard of what’s fashionable with so many young people around the world today is based on Hollywood movies, I’d be wiling to bet that a lot people would hire me to make their weddings look more stylish.
I think I’d come up with a trading system where values of things are determined by hysteria and mob thinking rather than any form of rational evaluation. It would be even better if you could also trade bets on the future value of these values. Then I’d hype the system to the masses through a bunch of hired ‘experts’, get lots of clueless newbies in on the act, and then make out like a bandit while everyone else is still trying to figure out what’s going on. I’d bail before the whole thing fell apart.
I want to creat a Web site that would be something of a hoax, along the lines of the Bambi hunt and Anti-Porn Guy.
The site would be for a North Korean food restaurant, called “Kyoro Restaurant.” There would be North Korean flags and pictures of the Great Leader and Dear Leader, which would be bad enough, but the kicker would be the online menu. Noth Korean delicacies would be listed, but the bottom of the page would include photos of various breeds of dogs. Nothing saying that dogs would be on the menu … just photos of dogs.
My favorite scam would be wild manipulation of the stock market.
Step 1: identify real name of loser middle managers at Microsoft from press releases and other sources online.
Step 2: ensure they are the type of losers who never answer their phones so you only ever get voicemail
Step 3: Identify small public software companies on the NASDAQ, especially ones in trouble.
Step 4: Look on a site like marketguide.com and find out who the analysts are following that stock
Step 5: Call the analysts and say you are the guy from step 1 at Microsoft and you are interested in finding out information about the small company and possibly making a ‘strategic investment’. Provide your “real” (i.e. the middle manager’s) phone number and Microsoft’s real address for him to mail you stuff.
Step 6: Hirality ensures as the stock for the small company shoots way up then crashes down as rumors fly about Microsoft buying the small company. The analyst will try calling the middle manager to verify he is a real guy first…of course and be convinced it is legit when he gets the voicemail
Step 7: wash, rinse, repeat …with other companies in other industries with strong leading players. That is…Boeing and small aircraft parts company, General Motors and small auto parts company, etc., Coca Cola and a small food or drink company, etc.
Sadly, there are probably assholes doing this very thing on a small scale all the time. That is, investing a small company, then doing things to artifically run up the stock price by screwing with the analysts.
I don’t have a clever scam of my own, but I remember Paul Reubens once saying he dreamed of putting out Pee Wee Herman temporary tattoos, except it would eventually turn out that they WEREN’T temporary and all the kids would be stuck with their Pee Wee tattoos the rest of their life.
I’d build big fancy hotels in the middle of the desert and shower them with tons if neon lights. Then I would allow gambling in the hotels and give out free perks to the biggest losers.
My buddy’s dad is still a missionary in Japan, and you’re spot on. The women have seen so many Hollywood movies that they want “Christian” weddings, because they’re more “romantic” than Buddhist or whatever weddings. He makes side money doing weddings, as long as they agree he can give a speech in the middle about whatever he wants.
Back in the days when I worked in the printing industry, I saw To Live and Die in L.A. and freaked when I saw the scenes where the counterfeiter was making bogus money. “OMIGOD, He’s using a Multilith 1250 just like what I have at work!”
I was thinking I could print up a bunch of 20s, go down to the Grand Strand at Myrtle Beach during July 4th weekend, and go to each shop when they’re busy and buy the cheapest knick knack they got with a bogus 20, then pocket the change and come home with about a hundred grand.
But, according to the trade magazines I read, 80% of all counterfeiters are caught before they get their stuff into circulation. That made me too paranoid to persue my dream.