What fun menu choices should your workplace's automated phone system have?

In My Humble Opinion
1

We don’t actually have an automated phone system where I work, buy hey, a girl can dream.

"Thank you for calling 911. In order to improve efficiency and customer service, we have implemented the following choices.

If you are experiencing a heart attack, press 1.

If you are hemorrhaging, apply direct pressure and press 2.

If you are on fire, stop, drop, and roll, and press 3.

If someone is breaking into your house, exit through another door and press 4.

If you are calling from a cell phone and are nowhere within a hundred miles of this 911 agency, hang up, run outside, scream loudly until someone with a landline dials 911, and tell them to press 5.

If you are calling to report a motor vehicle accident, press 6 if it is with injuries, press 7 if it is non-injury, or press 8 if you drove right by it without stopping and therefore have no idea if anyone is hurt or not.

If you are being assaulted, hit your assailant repeatedly over the head with the keypad side of your phone until you have managed to press 9.

To hear these choices again, press the pound key. To speak with an operator, press 0, and one will be with you as soon as possible. Thank you."

Too bad I didn’t think of this in time for my boss to include it on next year’s budget proposal.

2

“Thank you for calling <XYZ> Software company. If you are calling for tech support, please press the twelve digit code, embedded in the middle of the manual section related to the problem you have, followed by the pound sign.”
<pause>
“While you’re looking that up, go ahead and read that section of the manual. It’s OK; we’ll wait.”
<long pause>
“It’s been about twenty minutes now, so we’re assuming you’ve solved the problem yourself. Have a nice day!”
<disconnect>

3

I want…a “LAUNCH” button.

BWA-HA-HA-HAaaa!

4

I’ve seen this variations of this for years.

Mental Health Answering Service

Here is a transcript of the new answering service which may have been recently installed at your local Mental Health Institute.

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. We are experiencing higher than normal call volume, please listen to the following menu so we can direct your call…

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you area manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, as no one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

From here.