I gotcha. What I’m getting at is that he’s already selfconscious about his food issues, and he’s very aware that people are fretting about it. Trust me, I would bet he would gladly go hungry (or eat beforehand) than have the whole event center around his needs. I’m not sure exactly how picky he is. You sort of indicated, but it’s hard to know exactly. For example, most dinners involve salad. I’m no great fan of having salad as a meal in itself, but in a social situation I’ll be glad to make do, if only to keep up the appearance of joining in all the “dining goodness”. That is if the host serves it with the dressing on the side. I’ll eat pasta with pretty much any kind of tomato based sauce. That is if the host doesn’t take it upon themselves to sprinkle cheese on it beforehand. I concede that if these practices are out of the norm for the host, then it is a slight inconvenience. That being said, it seems a small concession if you’re that concerned about providing something I will eat. Not trying to dictate how to conduct your dinners, just offering suggestions to make it easier for you and hubby (and your family). I can’t emphasise enough that most people don’t want any special treatment or attention. It’s already been established that eating isn’t their greatest thrill to begin with, so really, us picky peeps aren’t sweating missing any given meal. It’s downright humiliating to be treated as some kind of “less-than” individual whose needs must be accomodated when we’d prefer you at least try not to notice.
He wasn’t the boss, but have you ever heard the term a stuck whiner valve? If we had done that he would have whined through the entire evening ruining it for everyone. The only up side was when he did get his way, he was a great guy to be around, and told great stories. But he was a controlling asshole, because everything was about him.
BTW this was the very last time we tried to get him to go to dinner with us. Was not worth the effort.
I eat there on a fairly regular basis. So this is not a problem. What if they choose Mickey Ds? (Which I dislike) I would still go along. I don’t like Big Macs, but they sure as hell won’t kill me.
When prepared right comfort food ROCKS. Man I have a mac and cheese recipe that is so good it will bring tears to your eyes. Meatloaf? Love it. Is there anything much more lowbrow that meatloaf and mac and cheese?*
of course there is. I had a boss take us to a Chinese restaurant once for an Imperial banquet. Sea urchins, sea cucumbers and a bunch of other stuff I was not wild about. But I tried each and every course. You never know, I might have liked eel. Lutefisk? Had it. Not wild about it. Brains? Lots of the taco stands around me serve cabeza burritos. I prefer pork. Is there stuff I won’t eat? Sure there is. Fear factor bugs or whatever? Nope not going to do it unless it is a survival type situation, then guess what, Grubs tartare is on the menu for tonight. Extremely hot sauces? I like spicy foods, but 1,000,000 scoville units is not about flavor. At those extreme points you are just trying to show how macho you are, not how good something can taste. Once again everyone has something that they don’t like or won’t eat. For those playing along at home, this is not about somebody that doesn’t like one or two foods, it is about people that will only eat 6 or ten items period. Those are the people that people that enjoy food just cannot understand.
*you might get an kick out of this story. I have some friends back east. Great people nice as the day is long. Not really picky eaters, but neither of them likes to cook, and they aren’t good at it. I was at their house and we were going to spend the afternoon together and have dinner. My host mentioned that he was going to cook [something which I don’t recall off the top of my head, but it did not sound great, eatable, but not good] I saw they had a gas BBQ on the rear deck.
Got any gas for that I asked?
Sure came the reply.
So I said, gee you guys have been so nice to me, how about I cook you guys dinner instead?
Sure, was the reply, what?
Thinking quickly I said do you like chicken?
Sure came the reply.
So off to the supermarket we went. I bought a couple of chickens, some kosher salt, some jalapeno peppers, some cream cheese, bacon, and some shrimp.
I butterflied the birds, stuck them in a brine. I cleaned out the jalapenos stuffed them with cream cheese, cooked shrimp, and wrapped them in bacon.
Lit off the grill, and cooked the jalapeno as an appetizer, and grilled the chicken for the main course. Added a salad, and some cooked veggies.
The sixteen year old daughter’s reaction was perhaps the funniest. Watching me fix the jalapenos she asked what was in them. I told her and pretty much got a yuck reply. When they were done she saw how much everyone else liked them so she tried one (I did not force the issue or even suggest it). After about 5 of them, she asked me to write down the recipe so she could serve these at her upcoming birthday party. 
At the end of the meal the wife says to me, You can move in if you want, I will throw him out. (points to husband) His reply was If he got to eat like this all the time, I have no problem with sleeping on the couch.
Now when I go back east, the first question that they come up with is when are you coming over and what are you going to cook?
Now these people weren’t picky eaters, just not very good or adventurous cooks. They love it when I fix them something new. What would I have done if they were picky eaters and said no, they didn’t want me to prepare the food? I would have said no problem, eaten what was put in front of me, and gone away happy.
He doesn’t eat salad. He doesn’t eat tomatoes. I know those were just examples, but it made me laugh, cause you inadvertently picked two things he would never eat.
When I said picky, I meant picky. He eats all sorts of meat, plus chocolate, potatoes (no cheese or sauce), pasta (ditto), rice (ditto), turnips, carrots, and nuts. Plus white bread, apples (red only, only raw, one a year) and bananas. Seriously. So at family family dinners, we make sure we have meat and one of his vegetables, usually mashed potatoes. I think he had a roll at Easter, too. The list of what he doesn’t eat is long, so I won’t bore you, but just to emphasize, no tomatoes, no cheese, no veggies other than the above, no fruit other than apples and bananas, no casseroles or soups made with anything other than the above, no onions, no nothing.
The thing is, he loves to eat, but only the things listed above. He would definitely not rather go hungry. 
Again, he isn’t rude, just sort of sad and disappointed if there isn’t enough he likes. I go home stuffed and happy, and he doesn’t. He misses out.
I actually don’t think I would worry about it. My SIL apparently does not care for my version of Thanksgiving dinner–nor does she make her young kid stay at the table at all. Hmmm. I see this as her problem–I, as host, offered her butter basted turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and my mother’s sage and onion stuffing (I dont’ touch that, but it gets rave reviews from guests).
She doesn’t eat it? Who cares? She’s a grown woman. She also has a history of bulemia, so who is to say where she is in her healthy choices at this point? Should I ask her if she wants something else? IMO, NO. I cooked a traditional Tgiving dinner. She doesn’t like it, that is her issue. I also don’t draw attention to her lack of eating. (her kids–I bite my tongue almost off and wait for all of them to leave, but that’s another thread!).
I recognize that as host, I only have control over what is offered. I try to offer good food, well prepared. It tends to be more traditional, but that’s me. I don’t make sushi or stir fry–I dont’ know how (and don’t want to learn). Do I think my SIL is a PIA? Yes–but not because she doesn’t eat my food. She’s got so much baggage, her last name should be Samsonite!
But is the same courtesy extended to me when we eat at her house? Hell, no–but her family doesn’t have conversation–they talk about the food. Nope, they aren’t foodies, they just notice and comment on what everyone is putting in their mouths–another rude habit.
Part of good manners is putting others at ease, even if you are not. It is not cut and dried, though. So, if I push things around on my plate, could you please tacitly agree to not notice? Then we can talk about congenial, like politics or religion…
Ohhhhhhh, I see. That is a horse of a different and verrrrry specific color. Forgive me, but he’s the joker giving all us “pickies” a bad name. Just kiddin’ Bryn. Keep doin’ what your doin’ and try not to let it drive you loco 
So, his problem was not being a picky eater, his problem was being a stuck whiner.
And their collective problem was that of being enablers. Sorry to go all twelve step on anyone’s ass, but that kind of behavior is beyond the pale and shouldn’t be indulged.
I didn’t mean it if it came across that way. If someone has religious reasons for dietary restrictions, that’s fine by me. I was more going for a “whatever reason they have for not eating a standard diet” sort of thing, not a comment on religious edicts.
My family regularly says “Oh, Sven is in town! Time for a ‘special’ meal at the Olive Garden (or some similar pap)”. I dutyfully attend these. And when it comes to dinner at Taco Bell, I’ll gladly gobble my favorites. I try to steer us away from Denny’s- I used to work there and I know nearly everything (even stuff like hashbrowns) comes from boxes and I just can’t see spending that much money on essentially a low-grade TV dinner.
If it were a friend, I would probably decline because those places are out of my price range for anything besides an extra-special meal out.
No, never. Of course not.
Furthermore, my tastes are arn’t about upscale or downscale. My absolute favorite dish in the world is a $4.00 bean burrito. Peasant food is often much better than the food of the elites. Indeed, most of the “nice date restaurants” I run in to tend to be thouroughly mediocre with their overcooked bistro food and bizarre artless tapas that taste like the chef simply chose a few different flavors form a column of food.
I’m not looking for obscure and pricey ingrediants. I’m looking for fresh and honest food, ideally with some artistry to it.
I’m vegetarian, so that limits the gross-out factor (though I’m not much of a vegetarian and I’m working on changing being one because I hate missing out- I’d probably give insects, etc a shot if it were a local speciality. I remember eating brains and eggs as a non-vegetarian kid.) . I can’t think of anything regularly eaten and vegetarian that I wouldn’t try.
It’s pretty commonly accepted that one of the major sociological effects of kosher laws is that it really limits the ability of the people who observe it to mix with the outside world, thus preserving the culture. And that is what happens. But people with extreme food needs who don’t have a culture behind them are going to end up cutting themselves off from everyone else.
Not really, if no one else bothers them about what they eat. If you can find a place to accomodate everyone, who cares?
Life’s too short to worry about what everyone else is eating. As I said, more for me!
To answer the original post, if they continue to be picky, they probably adapt their lives to it. They may end up with a fairly limited social circle, or find friends with similar tastes, or learn to deal with food that they don’t really like. It really depends on the degree of restriction and flexibility whether that person has any big consequences he or she has to deal with as a result of the pickiness.
I personally don’t really care if someone is a picky eater as long as it doesn’t affect me much. I’m willing to accommodate someone occasionally, but if our plans are always dictated by their tastes, then I’m probably not going to want to be around them much. If it’s possible to find other things to do together then it might be okay, but otherwise it’s pretty likely that I just won’t bother socializing with them. It’s the same with any other relationship. If the compromising only goes one way, the social debt becomes unwieldy, and the only thing you can do is to sever the relationship.
That’s kind of the problem, that it’s sometimes quite difficult to find a place to accommodate everyone. It often ends up being the picky eater who controls everyone else’s choices, because in being sociable they don’t want to exclude that person.
As to why people get pushy or weird when someone doesn’t eat, I think the reason is this: when one person is not included in the group, the others want to try and find a way to include him or her. And yes, to most people it feels that you are not included when you don’t eat, even if you are at the same table and are involved in the conversations and other social interactions. Like it or not, there is a social aspect to eating. By refusing to eat, you are in most people’s minds refusing to be social.
In support of what others have said earlier in the thread, that social element is pretty much universal. You will offend someone in most cultures around the world if you refuse to eat anything the host provides. Not eating a dish or two may be tolerated, but refusing most of the food without even trying it is going to be a problem. Period.
This is part of why I can’t imagine picky eaters being travelers. I haven’t traveled a whole lot, but I have come into contact with a lot of weird food from that fairly limited pool. If you are really restricted in what you eat, you are almost certainly going to go hungry in your travels.
Guin I KNOW my child was a picky eater (beyond ridiculous…for 6 mths he would only eat tinned spagetti), I indulged that fussiness when he was IN MY HOUSE. I made that crutch, the same as most parents of fussy children enable food crutches for their children. I DECIDED that their was far too much grief involved in making the child eat anything but tinned spagetti for dinner. I gave up. I let him win (he was never forced to finish a plate in his life!). BUT I was adamant that the bad manners I accepted as his parent I was not about to foist onto others.
When we were going to have dinner at someone elses house (they were told in advance of the most hated things) that he had to TRY everything he was offered (like most of us I have no family members or friends who would deliberatly give anyone their most hated food), miraculously he would eat things that he wouldn’t even think of eating at home. He wouldn’t eat huge quantities…sometimes a mere spoonful was IT but it did make him realise that when someone is offering you food it is polite to accept it…and tomorrow it’s back to spagetti.
It IS rude to decline food that is offered to you as a guest. I loathe sweet things. I hate desert in any form, after a dinner it DOES make me feel ill but if I am at someones house and they have gone to the effort to prepare desert then I will eat it (and wish I hadn’t), when people invite you for dinner they are not only extending an offer of food but demonstrating friendship, to decline that offer (other then for religious or health reasons) is a smack in the face and probably goes someway to explaining the incredible growth in “allergies” perhaps we are becoming far too selfish…the feelings of our host matter less then an unpleasant taste in the mouth?
The comfort of the guests matters less than the feelings of the host? Do your hosts even know you? If they know that sweets make you ill and expect you to eat them anyway, I’d say find some new friends. If these expectations are all in your own head, that is all on you.
Yet here you are, whining that he ruined it for everyone. I’m just sayin’ …
If you’re really good friends with these people, at some point it’s probably going to come out that you don’t like desserts. Then they’ll realize that you’ve been making yourself uncomfortable just for them. I’ll bet they’ll feel great.
As for putting allergies in quotes, It’s been proven that more people have allergies today than in the past. The attitude that lots of people are running some sort of scam worries me, because it leads to idiots spiking peoples food with allergens in order to prove that they’re lying or delusional. I’m not saying anyone here would do this, but that’s just what it makes me think of.
I would rephrase it this way: A good guest does not refuse everything that is on offer. If you’re just hanging out with the guys on your weekly Thursday evening meet up and you just happened to have your dinner already, that’s one thing. But if you’re routinely the guy at all social events who’s not eating anything because of your narrow tastes, or if you’re the guy whose narrow tastes everyone has to take into consideration when planning an event, then you are inconveniencing your social circle. That’s probably the main point at which our viewpoints diverge.
Thanks, ascenray, I understand now. I accept that you consider it rude for someone to continually refuse to eat what others are eating or what the host has provided, based on the social contract. Other than considering this person ill-mannered, do you take it personally?What I mean is, is your disdain based solely on their failure to conform to social conventions or does it actually hurt your feelings? I am absolutely not being snarky here; I really want to know.
I didn’t know my husband was a bigamist!
Though mine is more likely to become sulen if no one plans around him. It’s infuriating.
If I were your host, and I found out that you were eating things that made you feel sick, just to make me happy, I’d be upset. I don’t want people to eat something they don’t like just to please ME. Tell me what you like. I’ll ask for suggestions, so be honest.
A host’s duty is NOT to make the guest feel obligated to eat something they loathe. A guest’s duty is to be as polite as possible, and if you truly hate something, simply say, “No thank you, please pass the peas.” IF that offends someone, they’ve got issues.
A growth in “allergies”? Well, yes, some ARE legit. Also, I suspect that some people make up allergies so people will stop hounding them to try something they loathe. And it isn’t just an “unpleasant taste”. My mother can’t eat anything too spicy or greasy, as it bothers her stomach. I’ll be damned if she’s obligated to make herself sick just so her host can think everyone LOVED her deep-fried lard in Tobasco sauce.
If sweet things make you sick, for godsakes, don’t be a martyr, speak up! If your hosts feel put out because you won’t make yourself sick just to avoid hurting their feelings, well, THAT is rude. Just say, “Oh, no thanks, I’m not a fan of sweets. I appreciate your thinking of me.”
However, I suspect it’s YOU who feels this way about people who come to YOUR house. Let me ask you-would you honestly prefer your guests eat something that makes them sick (whether we’re talking full blown fatal peanut allergy, or just some really obnoxious gas that keeps you up all night), rather than say, “Oh, no than thank, you I’m not one for broccoli-could you pass the sweet potatos? They’re my favorite!”
If that’s the case, then that’s your problem. Not their’s.