Depends. My nieces are picky eaters. However, my sister-in-law told them, “You can eat what you want, but it has to be on the menu”. The youngest one eats only chicken, only chicken. KFC - she picks of the the batter,chicken Caesar salad, she takes eats only the chicken,etc. The older one is a quasi-vegetarian but will eat potatoes with stuff(even meat) on it. So she will eat baked potatoes, potato wedges or french fries.
This parallel may help some non-picky eaters relate - the ones who can’t stand cigarette smoke.
Some non-smokers find cigarette smoke particularly disagreeable. If someone is smoking near them, that’s all they smell, and it’s nasty. The nastiness grabs their attention and overides most other sensation. It can’t be ignored, and they can’t get used to it - the only thing to do, to avoid feeling significant discomfort, is to avoid it.
With me, it’s rather similar having, say, green peppers in food. If there’s some green pepper on a pizza, the whole thing tastes like green pepper, which I find to be quite yucky. Picking off the pepper pieces does no good, as the whole pizza is permeated with the flavor. I can’t ignore, I can’t get used to it, and to me it’s extremely nasty. Making me eat green peppers is like blowing smoke right up the nose of someone who finds cigarette smoke sickening.
I can physically eat green peppers without retching. I just see no need to subject myself to such an unpleasant experience. And it is an EXTREMELY. UNPLEASANT. EXPERIENCE. If you don’t have the same reaction to green peppers, that’s wonderful for you. Just be aware that since you don’t have my tongue, my nose, and my brain, you may not be able to relate to how they taste to me. But be assured, I know how they taste to me, and it’s unquestionably awful.
So if you offer me a dish with green peppers in it, I’m going to pass. Not because I don’t appreciate your cooking. Not because I’m a self-indulgent twit who only will eat my favorite foods. Not because I have no sense of the value of sharing food. It’s because I don’t want to go through the torture it brings me.
I talk about food because it is an art to me. We listen to music to bring joy to our ears. We look at paintings to bring joy to our eyes. We have perfumes and incense for our noses, and we have wonderful food for our mouthes. A perfect sorbet is no less beautiful than a van Gough painting to me. Indeed, I’ve been to a good chunk of the world’s great art galleries, but there are still a few meals that rate above them on my “great art” scale. I’d rather give up hearing my favorite song than eating my favorite dish.
You wouldn’t go to a museum and not talk about your favorite painting. You wouldn’t go to a symphony without discussing your favorite movements afterwards.
Leaffan.
I was like that at a young age. Then I reached the age of adulthood and officially declared I was a vegetarian. As it turns out, I just wasn’t in to meat and couldn’t stand the greasy 1950’s style working class diet (hot dogs, lots of shake’n’bake, lots of ground beef) food that my largly non-cooking family cooked. When my family finally acknowledged that I was a vegetarian and started letting me buy my own lunch food, etc, the whole world opened up to me. I still won’t eat meat, but I will eat literally anything else, and always order something new if I have the chance.
My advice is buy her a few “beginner’s guide to vegetarianism” books. They will have a lot of advice on balancing a meal, some simple recipes (less work for you!) and she will consider it a “project” and may put some effort in to trying to eat well.
Yup, that’s the reaction I expected to get from the non-foodies. It really is sort of (not exactly) like I said. The enjoyment of food is such a big thing for me and other foodies, that it’s just about as inconceivable to us that there are people who don’t care at all about food as it would be to find out that there were people who couldn’t walk and it didn’t really bother them at all.
I didn’t state that one view over another was superior or smarter or anything like that; my only point was that it’s a mindset that’s hard to understand, much like you don’t understand our point of view.
I had a similar experience- my food world opened up when I started keeping kosher. Then I couldn’t eat a lot of the foods my (also non-cooking) family eats. Many of them involved pork products, shellfish, or mixtures of meat and dairy. I also couldn’t eat meat or poultry in restaurants, and it’s kind of a pain to get kosher meat and poultry (definitely not as easy as it is to get non-kosher meat or poultry). I discovered a lot of things that I just wouldn’t have thought to eat when I was living with my parents- for example, I was in college before I learned that garlic comes in forms other than garlic powder or garlic salt. I think I was in grad school when I learned that herbs and spices in bottles aren’t just for decoration, and aren’t supposed to all be a yellowish-brown color.
I don’t know that this is entirely parallel. I don’t like green peppers either, and I will also pass on dishes that contain them. But I eat hundreds of other foods, and I can find at least several things on any menu that appeal to me. Even though I also don’t like mushrooms, cucumbers, big slimy chunks of onion, salmon, and several other things. I like foods from several different cuisines and enjoy trying new ones.
Rather different, I think, from adults who will eat ONLY six or seven items, usually unadorned with seasonings or sauces, usually not including much in the way of vegetables, usually the sort of foods that are generally found on the kiddie menu.
Those are the ones that throw a wrench into the social works.
I have an adult cousin who’s a picky eater. Macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, mashed potatoes, maybe a few other things. She never ate what was on the table at Thanksgiving (except maybe the potatoes) and always had to fix herself some mashed potatoes. I remember that there was concern about her diet both times that she was pregnant.
Agreed. That’s not the situation I was addressing. Even I, as a self-described picky eater, find that degree of pickiness to be problematic, to put it mildly.
I was elaborating a bit on my previous post (#49), hoping to better illustrate that for some of us, it’s not simply a matter of not being terribly fond of certain foods, it’s a matter of finding them revolting.
Nice imagery, even seven 
. Would you concede that your love of good food is stronger than that of the average bear? And that’s a-ok with me. But can you really not fathom how some don’t feel the same way? That it’s not an abberation (contrary to the “food as a social link” theory) to not get all jazzed about food? I’m not talking eating an disorder here, just a contentment with the foods one likes and no great desire to seek out other frontiers.
And, hell yes I would(and have done on many occasions) go to museums, symphonies, etc. without discussing it afterwards. It all depends on who you go with. My companions on some of these various outings weren’t some rubes or philistines, but perhaps not as into as I. My greatest joy next to viewing a great movie is then discussing that movie, so I agree with you to a certain extent. Hardly anyone I know IRL ever wants to engage in a deep conversation about what we’ve just seen, so I’ll usually talk about it here or on another message board. I get to see what I like, with people I enjoy as a whole and then share my thoughts with other people on that particular subject. I don’t know why some people don’t like to play amateur film critic, I just accept that that’s the way they are and don’t pass judgement on them. :
Ok, here is the problem, and IMHO you have lost the war right there. She drools, you give in. She does not need to change.
When my kinds were young my wife and I discussed this, and decided that we were not going to put up with our children being super picky eaters. (I’m not talking about I don’t like one or two things, I’m talking about I will only eat one or two things) We decided that there was no way we were going to fix two or maybe three different meals for dinner (or breakfast, or lunch) each day. One meal for us and one or two different meals for our kids.
So here is what we did, we fixed a meal, dinner say. A Main course, maybe a salad, maybe one or two veggie, and sometimes zert. We tried to always have at least one thing that was either something the kids liked or kind of close to something they normally ate. We did not try and go straight from Mac and Cheese to filet of squid in one step. 
That is what’s on the bill of fare for the evening. Don’t like it? No problem, breakfast will be at 7AM. You may be excused from the table. No yelling, no crying, no sit there until you eat it, just here it is take it or leave it. If you get hungry later, your plate will be in the fridge, you can nuke it.
The only food issue I can recall either of my kids having is my son hated tomatoes. With a passion. Wouldn’t touch them. No problem, you can eat your salad without them. Leave them in the bowl when you dish your salad. (He did) Got to the point we started calling tomatoes the dreaded T vegetable around casa de Rick. Was his not eating tomatoes a problem? No, not really, as he ate everything else.* Now that he has grown up, he cooks with tomatoes, will eat them in sauce, and will even sometimes have them in a salad, but they still aren’t his favorite.
In your case your daughter knows that if she turns on the drool, and the puppy dog eyes, or maybe cries you will open a can. Who has the power in this relationship?
One thing you might try is try going out to dinner, and not to her favorite restaurant. (We did a deal where each person would get to choose a restaurant when it was their turn) Go someplace you like (for me that meant no Micky D’s) Kids could have anything they wanted off the menu, but they had to order off the menu. Again this worked to broaden their horizon without making me the bad guy, since I was not the one not preparing food they did not like. After all what could be fairer than next time it would be their turn to pick and I would put up with which ever restaurant they choose (even if it was Micky D’s)
*Funny thing was he loved catsup. We were afraid to tell him what it was made of.
Maybe, maybe not. You imply that the child is waging some kind of power struggle. Could be, but it could also be that she simply has a strong aversion to certain (in this case many) foods. She’s not an infant; at this age she’s developed likes and dislikes, just like, you know, a regular person I’m not suggesting making three different meals to accomodate her. Heck, all I ever wanted was for my parents to just let me leave the freaking table if I didn’t want to eat. Just don’t stoop to waging a power struggle of your own. You’d be surprised how long a person can hold out faced with the choice of eating something they find repugnant.
I was an extremely picky eater when I was a kid. Today, nearing 40, I have a fairly narrow list of “types” of things I’ll eat. Fortunately, my small circle of friends have similar tastes, so it’s all good.
Actually, when I eat out, it’s usually alone. There are several reasons for that. For one, family meals were no fun for me as a kid. My dad was/is one of those people who has to completely dominate every single conversation. As a result, I never learned the fine art of dinner table conversation. On those occasions when I’m unable to get out of eating with a group of people ("We’re all going out to dinner to celebrate Bob’s retirement!) I end up bored out of my skull listening to other people talk. Not a food issue, I know, but it contributes. There’s also the fact that I seem to eat way faster than most people. Probably because I’m not running my mouth - I like to eat my food while it’s hot, dammit!
Another reason I didn’t like family meals is that my mother was not a good cook when I was a kid. She was raised by parents who grew up during the Great Depression, and her alcoholic father didn’t want to eat anything but roast beef and potatoes. So she grew up eating bland food and never learned anything else (a pity, because I learned much later in life that my grandmother absolutely loved spicy, flavorful food, but she never got it until she retired and started traveling).
And then there’s the vegetables. As a kid I would eat peas. I would eat beans. I would eat carrots and radishes and onions and corn. But my mom kept putting broccoli and cauliflower and squash on my plate. Three foods that I simply cannot eat. They literally make my retch. I read a few years ago that some researchers had discovered that some people are what the call “super-tasters”. These people are for some reason extremely sensitive to the bitter component of flavor. So sensitive that even mildly bitter foods are unpalatable. I think I’m one of these. Walnuts taste horribly, horribly bitter to me, as do most dark green vegetables.
I also won’t eat most seafood, though that’s more due to the fact that my father is fatally allergic to most shellfish and so I didn’t grow up eating the stuff and never developed a taste for it. I like salmon and cod, though.
You would think that, as a professional cook, I would be adventurous about my food. Nope. Fact is, when you’re in a restaurant cooking the same menu every day, it all becomes unappealing. Every place I’ve worked, I’ve ended up with one or two things on the menu that I would eat every day on break.
I live on Mountain Dew, frozen pizza, microwave burritos and PB&J sandwiches. When I go out to eat, I go to Godfather’s Pizza, where I eat the Combo specialty pizza (pepperoni, sausage, beef, onions, black olives and mushrooms), on the Original crust. I think that’s one food that I could never give up. It’s just got such a wonderful flavor in my mouth, but it’s not just the flavor, it’s the texture too. I have an emotional connection to this pizza, too. When I was 14 years old and a huge Star Wars fan, my aunts took my to see The Empire Strikes Back and then we went to Godfather’s. It was my first time at Godfather’s, and I really enjoyed that pizza, and it’s forever associated in my mind with The Empire Strikes Back. Too good.
Anyway, I’ll be 40 next month, and I’m 5’ 8" and 170 lbs. Fairly good shape, probably due to the fact that I don’t have a car and I walk or bicycle just about everywhere.
I think this is exactly the right way to approach it. No kid is going to starve to death when a reasonable selection of edible food is available. Consistently providing something from an unreasonable but favored list just makes it easy for the kid to indulge herself. It won’t take long for true hunger to overwhelm self-indulgence. The parents just have to be strong enough to get through the transition without caving.
Well, for the people saying that not enjoying food is like not enjoying sex, I’m also asexual.
Yes, definitely. I’m also socially awkward and prefer to stay at home rather than go out. I get stressed/confused when my routine is broken.
Very much so (all my senses, actually–taste and sound are the major ones). Most of the foods I eat are very plain and boring.
The only theory regarding this that I’ve come up with is that my parents are too nice and didn’t make me eat things I didn’t want to eat. Then I grew up and it was too late.
Yes. I’m allergic to nuts/peanuts and probably other things. When I was little, I ate peanut butter sandwiches just about every day, and at some point (before age 5) I stopped. I didn’t find out until a few years ago that I was allergic.
I wouldn’t rule it out.
Well, yeah. Good idea. But at 8 years old we seem to be past the point of “take it or leave it.” She leaves it. She will not eat until the next meal; even if it’s 12 hours later. She’d rather starve than eat what we prepare. Ohhhh, I know what’s coming next…let her starve and eventually she’ll eat…
OMG, I think I just realized what the real answer to this puzzle should be…
Should we do just that???
I’m a little different. I’m probably pickier about some things now than I was as a kid. Seafood, for example. I used to enjoy oysters, shrimp, and lobster. Now they don’t really do anything for me. I can eat them if that’s all I can get, but I won’t go out of my way to get them. That’s what I don’t understand about the people who say it’s just fuel to them. If that’s the case, why can’t you just eat anything and not be bothered by it? I mean your car doesn’t care if it’s fed any particular brand of fuel, why should you?
Again, I have to question this. Perhaps I’m just extreme in my food aversions. After all, what do I have to go on but my own experiences. That being said, from the time I was a child, up to this very day, there is virtually nothing that will make me eat something I find offensive. Okay, maybe if you shoved a gun in my face you could force me to eat that veiny chunk of bleu cheese, but after I puked all over you, we’d both wish I’d just let you shoot me. When, in your opinion, does a being have the right / capability to choose what he or she consumes? When he is old enough to pay for said food? Hmmmm, that could take awhile. What if the child were taught to make her own meal? No, I’m not suggesting letting her fire up the grill. But she can make her own sandwich with little or no supervision. She can even microwave her spaghetti-os or whatever. Your use of the term “self-indulgence” speaks volumes.
Is the important thing here the well-being of the child or the parent maintaining the upper hand?
Yes.
Repeating from my post above: “No kid is going to starve to death when a reasonable selection of edible food is available. Consistently providing something from an unreasonable but favored list just makes it easy for the kid to indulge herself. It won’t take long for true hunger to overwhelm self-indulgence. The parents just have to be strong enough to get through the transition without caving.”
To clarify, that last sentence isn’t suggesting there’s a weakness, just acknowledging that it’s easier said than done. It can be tough seeing unhappiness in your child. Nevertheless, I believe it can be done, should be done, and will benefit all involved in the long run.
She’s not going to starve to death from not eating for 12 hours. She might get pretty hungry, but that would be an object lesson in Why It’s Not A Good Idea To Not Eat Any Dinner. My 4-year-old went to bed without eating dinner once. Does this make me a monster? I don’t think so. We put a good dinner on the table and gave him ample opportunity to eat. If he’d wanted to eat only the lasagna, fine. Only the peas? Fine. Only the garlic bread? Whatever. He chose to eat none of it. And after making lasagna, peas, and garlic bread, I was not about to make a special dinner for him just because he decided that that night he didn’t like my cooking. I told him that it was his choice not to eat any food but that he’d probably be pretty hungry later. He said, okay.
The next morning he ate a bigger-than-usual breakfast, but no other ill effects have been observed. And we haven’t had a repeat occurrence of “I’m not eating any dinner.” He’ll often refuse to eat a particular item, but that’s okay by me. I put the food on the table; it’s his choice whether to eat it or not.
Note that we did not force him, the next morning, to eat the same thing he’d refused the night before. My goal in this is not to force him to eat what I put on the table; it’s to avoid having to make a separate dinner for everyone in the family who decides they don’t like a particular item.
Same thing has happened to me… I’ve developed a snobbish attitude towards a lot of foods, such as an aversion to heavy cheese on a pizza, processed meats, and a dislike of crap white bread, that kind of thing. I also was a picky eater when a kid, then I grew out of it, and now I’m picky again for elitist reasons.
Strangely enough, Mexican food was something I never really enjoyed but for totally different reasons. It was the last thing I came to accept when emerging out of the “chicken nuggets & grilled cheese sandwiches” phase… too spicy, beans, too icky & “foreign”. I still dislike it, but for nearly opposite reasons: it’s a big plate of low-quality, relatively tasteless greasy mush. Cheap ground beef. Bland cheeses. Butter for dipping. Ugggggg…
My mother found ways to prepare vegetables in ways that I could like, mostly through dressing them up in cheese and sneaking them into foods. Also, I liked fried vegetables a lot… I wouldn’t touch the coleslaw but I loved fried okra and fried onions.
But, yes, there was also an element of “eat or starve” in there.