Stop trying, I don’t know how to do it.
I was thinking about that today and I think I meant to word what I was thinking differently. Its not the ‘yes dear’ passive (which is still bad); its the ‘don’t say it, you know its just way too harsh, too cutting & too vicious. You know better…don’t say it…just dont.’
Yes, arguments need to happen, but personally I should know better & know enough to pull my verbal punches. If you love someone, what joy is there in seeing them emotionally hurt or crying? There’s anger (a vaid emotion to feel), there’s making a point. But there’s no winner when you go way ‘over the top’.
I’m going to back away from most of what’s in this thread and just offer a simple “monogamy is awesome”.
Don’t make it so hard. Mr. Surrounded and I play Dr. Mario on an old Nintendo 64 he bought at a garage sale. It came with the one game. Who ever wins, gets to be on top, or right, or the reprieve, or whatever. Nothing solves problems like an old fashioned duel to the Dr. Mario death.
An a visit or two to a marriage counselor should always be one of the first things you try, not the last. You don’t have to be on the verge of divorce or murder to get the assistance of a third party. Really, you don’t get extra points for extra pain and misery.
What have I learned from my relationships?
That I need to get more comfortable with being single.
1: If trust is lost the marriage or relationship is pretty much done. If you discover secret bank accounts and other things she started while married, the marriage is pretty much over, the only question is low long it will take to disintegrate completely.
2: Don’t be a fucking idiot. If someone behaves truly erratically when stressed, this is their base personality, and it will only become more pronounced over time. If someone tells you that they are acting out because they “are in a bad place” you had best realize “a bad place” is where they make their home most of the time.
3: It’s important to realize that most of the time, unless they are paying you for your time, women do not want practical advice or solutions to the various personal problems they posit that do not involve you. They simply want you to pay attention to them. If you are a “fix it” type person you need to turn this part of your brain off during these interactions, if you don’t it will be frustrating.
4: You cannot change the way someone is, or how they think. As another poster said, “people show you who they are”. It’s your job to keep your eyes open. Personalities are pretty much fixed by age 20. What you have in a partner or SO today is more or less what you’re going to get for the next 60 years.
5: If someone (male or female) is generally critical or bitchy, but just not with you, they will eventually become critical and bitchy with you and your behavior or traits and you will be walking on eggshells. It’s only a matter of time.
The straw that broke the camel’s back in my last relationship occurred when I returned from a day of visiting my mom at the hospital where she was recovering from something that almost killed her (we figured out it was depression later). She had spent the day in the group home we both lived in and was livid that she hadn’t been able to talk privately on the phone all day. She told me that henceforth when I left the house I was to leave my cell phone with her. I said “no”. She didn’t realize I was serious until a week later, but by then it wasn’t about the phone, but a whole host of things I had been in denial about for a long time.
So one good thing I’ve learned is this: if you live in a house full of people that were just released from the county mental health clinic (the one where they can’t leave until they’re allowed to), you probably shouldn’t consider dating any of your housemates, even if they don’t seem particularly crazy right now.
If you see a red flag, don’t look away, even if you’d rather not see it. You just don’t know yet that saying goodbye now will be less painful than what happens down the road.
If you don’t have any differences of opinion, both of you are in denial. If it’s not safe for either partner to disagree, things will pile up. When you inevitably disagree, both of you need to pull in your claws and discuss the matter calmly without making “being right” more important than finding an equitable resolution, if one is possible.
You can only control the behavior of one person during a disagreement. Any attempt to control anyone else through guilt, sympathy ploys, flattery, etc. doesn’t bring you closer to resolution and wastes both your time.
I’m sure someone will disagree violently with something I’ve said above, but that ball is in their court.
Sing it. Unless you actually *want *your life to resemble a bad soap opera, step away from people who would make it one.
I’ve learned that I’m not especially good at relationships. I’m a fundamentally happy person who kinda likes being single, so my tolerance for any kind of frustration in a relationship is near zero. I ask myself “am I happier with this person than I would be alone?” and if the answer is no, I’m out. This has no doubt spared me a lot of crap, but I’m sure I’ve missed out on some good stuff too.
What I’m still trying trying to figure out is why I attract, and am attracted to, people who are NOT fundamentally happy. The last guy seemed to be at first, but no… bam with the crazy and the miserable and the wallowing. I cared enough about him that I might have tried to deal with the first two, but the third is a dealbreaker, and I seem to unwittingly collect wallowers.
My sister was married twice and not feeling particularly positive about relationships. Her solution was a long term occasional relationship with a guy. He lived a couple hours away and they got together on weekends and occasionally during the week. If they argued about something they could easily take a break. It seemed to work out over time. Now they are both retired and moved in together.
Sometimes, there is a very big difference in what you feel like you’re giving to a person, and what they feel like they’re receiving.
No, the bad mood is not something you did, necessarily. It might be, but these things happen. Just listen and try to offer your support in any way you can.