What I need right now is an orangutan and a big rig

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I can run away from it all and have zany hijinks.

Life sucks.

I’m failing most of my classes. I’m $500 in debt to the fraternity, and $500 in debt to the Frat housing commission. I’m $200 in debt to the county of Cass and missed a court hearing. I’m $2000 in debt to my parents and haven’t paid my car insurance for three months. My driver’s license expired in July. I haven’t had the time or money to renew it. I don’t have a job. I can’t afford to buy anyone anything for Christmas. I have less than a half tank of gas.

I go to bed at 4-5 am and get up at 2-5 pm. I can’t go to bed at a reasonable hour. If I do, I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. So I go to bed late. So I wake up LATE. Missing class. Failing class. I sleep at least 12 hours a day or I’m dead. I’m tired anyway. I can’t sleep normally. I can’t.

I want a job. I want one so bad. God, I can taste it. My hours don’t support a normal job. I’d have to get one at a gas station or a supermarket or something else that’s open 24 hours. Okay, that’s fine, Tim, do that. I can’t. I can’t get up the inclination or the energy to go find one, to apply, to interview. I balk. I can’t do it. No energy. Can’t. Want a job.

If someone came up to me today and said “Tim, you’ve got a job,” I’d take it. I just can’t go get one myself. I always decide I want to work somewhere then right before I apply, I convince myself I don’t. I don’t know why.

This leads me to this: I want a girlfriend. I’m so lonely I could cry, if I knew how to cry. I have no one. No one to cuddle with, no one to hold, no one to care about me. Hell, I could ask a girl out. And we could sit on the sidewalk and talk, because I sure can’t take her out to eat or to a movie or something. And it’s not like I’m a stunning conversationalist. I may come across as witty and urbane on the boards (yeah right) but in real life I’m weird and painfully boring. Not a good combination. Who wants to date THAT guy? So I stay alone, as it eats me from the inside out.

Speaking of money, the only reason I’m still alive right now is because John (one of my housemates) buys me food sometimes. The other guys in the dorms let me borrow their foodcards sometimes, too. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, 10 lbs or so. That’s alot on a 150-160 lb frame. I only eat once a day… I’m constantly hungry. I can’t afford more food. I have some in reserve… spaghetti stuff, chicken stuff, stuff for when everyone goes home for Christmas. But it’s only a weeks worth, tops.

I can’t go home for Christmas. It’s too shameful. I can’t afford to buy anyone presents or anything. I can’t even afford gas for a 45 minute trip home. Hell. I can’t even afford more radiator fluid and wiper fluid. I think I have maybe 3-5 dollars to my name.

I don’t even have a room at home anymore. My sister moved in to my room as I was moving out yeesh. Wait till I’m gone at least. I sleep on the couch when I go home. Sometimes one of my other sisters lets me sleep in her bed (she sleeps in her twin’s room, then).

Things to do: Get a job. Earn money. Buy Christmas presents. Pay off thousands of dollars of debt. Buy food. Develop work ethic. Convince self to care about stuff.

Too hard. I think I’ll sleep instead. Screw studying. I’d rather not. Hey, here’s an idea. Stay up all night, don’t even bother sleeping.

Why can’t I be like the other kids? The ones with rich parents? They never have to work. They get a big allowance, hundreds a month. They can easily afford rent (paid by dad), their car (paid by dad), their insurance (paid by dad), their gas (paid by dad), their food (paid by dad), their drinking habit (paid by dad), their smokes (paid by dad), and their marijuana (paid by dad… unknowingly). Why can’t I not have to work? Why can’t I take it easy during college, so I can concentrate on my work? Why do I have to worry about money and food and gas? Why can’t I be like them? One kid’s dad bought him a house. Everyone else drives nice cars. Even the kids I know who aren’t rich are minorities and have full rides plus living money scholarships. Why can’t I have that?

Why can’t I care about anything? I don’t have emotions. They left that part out. At least I don’t feel pain, physical or emotional. That’s nice. Not.

I think I’ll join the merchant marines.

–Tim

2

Things I probably have:

A sleeping disorder

Mild schizophrenia (familial trait, apparently)

Chronic depression (Goddamn family trait)

OR

Bipolar disorder (you guessed it)

Does my family discuss these things? No. Best they be bottled up and secreted away. I checked out some mental health websites. Bleh. Fuck it. Who cares? I don’t think my HMO covers me for insanity, anyway.

–Tim

3

Awwwww, Homer that’s tough all right. I was tempted to tell you to just get a grip and go out there and get a job, but then I remembered how MisterTot went through something similar when we were in college. All of his friends had parents who paid for everything, and he was quit bitter about it. It took me years to understand how his anger, because I was one of those kids who didn’t have to work in college.

I’m concerned that you seem so unmotivated to make a positive change in your situation. You sound depressed, does your school have a counseling program?

And for God’s sake, swallow your pride and ask your parents for the gas money to go back home for the holidays. Don’t worry about gifts, they’ll understand. Sitting alone and moping is not going to help you any.

If you need to talk, I’m available. You could talk to MisterTot if you wanted, you sound a lot like him when he was your age & maybe you’d be able to relate to him better.

4

Ok, Homer, let me be the first to say:

SEE A DOCTOR!!!

These are not conditions to be dismissed with “Bleh. Fuck it.”

5

Tim.

  1. Get up off your ass and get a job. Believe me. it is that simple. It will probably suck, but keep your head up.

  2. pay off the county debt first. if you dont you could end up with community service. community service = no time to work = no money.

  3. pay off your frat.

  4. pay off your parents. don’t worry, they can wait. They love you.

  5. Last year was the first time I was able to afford to buy any presents at all. Don’t worry about it. your friends and family should know how hard it is for you. Being a friend means more than a hallmark card or a cheap gift.

  6. go home for christmas. you may be returning with your tail between your legs, but it beats sitting around, alone, wioth your head up your ass.

  7. Worry about college after christmas. Have a job lined up. Getting a job will help to set a routine for you. Yes, I know that routines suck, but hell, as you said yourself, life sucks.

Tim, I think you are one of the funniest people on the board. I understand how the internet removes your shyness. I am in the same position as you. I have no one. but I know that will change. Until it does, I’m just going to get on with it.

Tim, I swear, If you get yourself sorted, I will come over next year and take you out, get you plastered. If you dont, I will come over and smack you upside the head.

you choose.

6

Yes you definately sound depressed. Get thee to a doctor, now. Insomnia, apathy,numbness, are classic symptoms. Get some hard physical activity. It sounds like all you are doing is sitting around, worrying and not sleeping well. You need to do something physical to work off the mental energy. I know you are exhausted, I know you don’t feel like it. Do it anyway. Even if you have to walk around screaming I HATE MY THIS, over and over, you will feel better just having done something. Keeping a journal is very helpful. Don’t worry about what you write. Even if all you do is write I HATE MY LIFE for 50 pages it helps to just get it out.

All of Twist-of-Fate’s suggestions are good. Get a job.
Go home for Christmas. Your parents expect you to be broke, don’t dissapoint them. It will give them the chance to take of their kid again. You need a lot of love right now. I’m sure your family and friends want to give it to you. Take it.

Level with your creditors. I know it’s hard. Do it anyway. See if an arrangement can be worked out.

Have you looked into student loans. They are not all need-based and you can use them for living expenses as well as tuiton and books. Don’t worry about the debt right now. You can pay when you get your degree. And the pleasure of finally paying off your student loans can not be put into words.

Your instructors are well aware of your grades, see if there is some way you can make up some extra credit. Calculate what you need to pass the course. It won’t seem so bad when you realise that you only need to get a specific number of questions right to pass. Ask your instructor for the formula. A’s and B’s may not be possible right now but a D is still passing.

Get your driver’s liscense renewed. It doesn’t cost nearly as much as a no operator’s liscense charge. Borrow the money to pay the insurance. You have to have transportation.

And one more thing, come here and give me a hug.
{{{{{Tim}}}}}

7

I echo the words of the others Homage.

Every other student that doesn’t have things handed to them is asking the same questions.

Come on buddy…you have things that other people would kill for…and you can’t go out and buy those things. People care about you. Think positive. Talk to profs, creditors and so on. You Rock Homey.

8

First, go see a school counseler. They’re free and it would probably be a big help.

As for wanting to take it easy through school, quit spending your time wishing your parents paid for everything. It’ll just piss you off more and it accomplishes absolutely nothing. Get off your butt and get a job. It’ll be worth it. My parents had the money. They would have paid insurance, car, allowance, etc. I declined it all and worked my own way through college. sometimes I worked one job, sometimes two. It took me longer to get credits because I could only manage 12-15 hours a semester while working. It can be done. I didn’t party. I didn’t drink. I didn’t do drugs. I worked and I studied. Does this make me better than other people? No. But, let me tell you, you’ll appreciate it a hell of a lot more if you work through this yourself. Not once have I ever looked back and wished I’d taken my parents up on their offer. Not once have I ever looked back and really, really wished I’d gotten the ‘college experience’. Sometimes I’ve looked back and wondered what it might have been like to party every weekend, sleep in, not go to classes. But, I guarantee I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t worked that hard then.

See the counsellor. I hope you are able to get everything under control. My biggest reccomendation is to quit worrying about what everybody else is doing and just worry about yourself for a while. Go see your family. They’ll understand that you couldn’t afford gifts. Ask them for help if you need to. If I had gotten into a position such as yours, I would have called my parents, and I know they would have helped. But don’t take their help for granted. And, if you get too down and really need somebody to talk to, send me an e-mail. I’ll give you the info and you can call me collect.

Good luck.

9

Welcome to “The Conspiracy Of Silence”* Tim. At least you have the courage to talk about it yourself. That is the first big step towards freedom. I’m not going to try and give you any pep talk right now. I just want to say that you should keep things in perspective. Five years from now you will look back on this and (hopefully/probably) laugh.
Remember the old saying;

Before things get worse,
they have to get a whole lot more worse.

I you don’t go home for the Holidays, volunteer at the local soup kitchen. You’ll get plenty to eat and if you take an instant to compare your life to the sad sacks you’ll see trundle through you’ll realize that you actually have it pretty easy.

Anyway, sign up on my music mailing list and I’ll send you some dynamite tunes for you to feel miserable over.

Your Friend,

Chris

  • The conspiracy of silence is the attitude that “If you don’t talk about my problems, I won’t talk about yours.” It is the hallmark of dysfunction and one of the principal reasons that I am a self declared orphan.
10

L.A. Zoo’s just got some orangutans. And there security is pretty lax…

11

Homer,

I wish I couldn’t relate quite so much to your post right now. Inertia and worry just kind of take over, don’t they?

Listen to everyone’s advice, especially about seeing a doctor.

Feel free to email me. I’ve been having some insomnica nights m’self.

12

Oh Tim…

huge hugs

First, GO SEE A COUNSELOR! NOW! There’s ones at your school that are free. Depression is NOT something to fuck around with. I know.

Second, if you’re sleeping that much and are still tired, go see a doctor. Or at least the student health center. Sleeping 12 hours aday and being exhausted is NOT normal. Not even for a teenager.

Please please please promise me you’ll do those things. I fucked around with being depressed for over 10 years, and I’m still not better. I don’t want the same thing happening to you. (And now I sound like my father…) Email me if you want to talk to someone who’d understand, ok? PLEASE.

{{{{{Tim}}}}}}

13

Tim,
The last time you posted a similar thread, I gave you the “get off your ass” lecture, not realizing you have depression problems. Now it’s “Get to see a doctor/counselor”. I know it’s hard (what a catch 22- You don’t care enough to see a doctor, but you won’t get better until you do).

You seem to have hit what’s usually known as “rock bottom”. Many of us have been there. The secret is: try not to keep digging. Pick up the phone, call the college counseling center or your local mental health organization, and make an appointment (and keep it). Take care of yourself, OK?

Zette