::sigh:: Me, Myself, and I

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m getting depressed again. I can feel it. I never want to go to bed, but then I never want to get up. Today is the first I’ve been to class in nearly two weeks.

I have such a good time when I’m around people, but as soon as I get away alone, I wind down so much.

I think I’m going to declare psychology as my major. I’m SO good at it, and it’s very interesting. Besides, I fulfill the ‘crazy’ requirement. All Psychs have to be a little nuts themselves, y’know.

My friend Justin and I are trying to line up an apartment for the summer. We’ve put in for alternative student loans. We want to live at the lake (Lake of the Ozarks) for the summer, chasing girls, drinking, sleeping, and not working. His brother has Jet Skis we can use. I won’t ride drunk, guys, I promise.

It was I-Week last week for my (new) fraternity brothers. We put through three guys this time. There were 21 in my class. The second semester class is normally smaller, I would figure.

This week is Greek Week. We’ve been kicking ass. We’re up by 10 points. We were up by over 20 the other day, but the Sig Eps are gaining.

I did the second round of quiz bowl. I was so nervous. I can’t get in front of people. I have such a terrible time putting my thoughts into words, as it is. I’m surprised I even buzzed in once. I know all the answers to all their questions, but I can’t do anything with someone watching. Nonchalant, I can answer all their questions while doing a headstand and a perfect impression of Harry Carey. Under scrutiny, it takes me five minutes to say my name without balking. We beat them, 10 to 5. I did okay. I said Smithsonian when it was blah blah art museum, but I knew Methuseluh was Noah’s uncle, and no one else did. Smock and I were on fire. It was a huge help that they faced the chairs away from the crowd.

We shouldn’t have cancelled the end of school party. There were no repercussions from the Beta wreck, but we cancelled it because we were afraid there would be.

I have every single damn comic with Superman in it from 1993 to 1997. The collection is worth a few thousand dollars. I want to sell it because I need the money, but I know I’ll regret it later. I have two Superman shield shirts. I’m wearing one right now. I’m going to get his shield on my bicep this summer, probably.

I’m so lonely. I wish I had a girlfriend. I just don’t have the time, with greek stuff, work, school. It’s so lonely. I have my friends, but they’re pretty seperated into cliques. I’ve never been that great at socializing. I like people very much, but I’m not that great at fitting in. Luckily, my brothers don’t mind. They wedge people in. That’s how it is. You always stick up for and look out for your brothers.

I wish I had time for a girlfriend, though. I know I’ve got chances. Diana just asked me to the movies today. I was busy. Damn, I wish I could have gone. I don’t know if it was a date/date or just a friend/date she was asking me on, though. Courtney, I thought she liked me for a while, but I dunno. She’s really pretty, kind of a spaz. Outta my league, though. Kelly, she’s HOT. I think I’m more of a security blanket than a relationship to her, though. I’m a link to her more stable past, in High School, back home. We went to high school together. Janet, she’s an uncommon beauty. Very pretty, IMO, socially aware, environmentally concious, I don’t know how well we’d work out together, though. She’s probably too liberal for me to live with for long. Kim, she’s great. She’s the kind of friend you could be with forever, you just want to marry them and snatch them up so they never get away. I’ve been in this kind of situation before, though, and it gets ugly if you’re not real careful, so I’m keeping my feelings for her in check. I don’t know if she’s doing the same. I couldn’t do it, though. I can’t go back on Todd like that. They just broke up. Becky, she’s obviously got a thing for me. She’s pretty, but I’m just not attracted to her. Paige, oh, Paige. I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s just got something about her. Katie, I dunno, she’s just fun. Trynn, she’s a moron, but fun. I could go on. I wish I couldn’t.

::sigh:: I’m a fucking mess. I wish I could just stop rationalizing everything. Quit being so damn analytical, Tim, and just DO something. I don’t even care about the sex. I just need somebody. I hate dating. I got no balls for asking someone out. Sweat, stutter, shake. Balk, puss, walk. Yeah. That’s me.

I wish I could just get drunk, wind up in bed with one of them (doesn’t matter who), and BOOM, relationship. I hate dating. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be in a long term relationship. ::sigh:: That’s what I need.

I hate work. I want to quit so bad. But I gotta hang on at least until the summer. If I don’t get the loan, then I gotta hang on at least until next semester. ::sigh::

I have class tomorrow at 9:30. I still have to shower, and I need to be up by 8:30. No sleep for me, I guess. Oh well. I went on about 10 hours all last week. About 2 hours a night.

I’m still up in the air about psych, law, or journalism, though. I dunno. My tire keeps losing air. I wish my Z24 were a convertible, or at least a five speed.

My tickets are coming to court in a few weeks. Shit. I hope the cop doesn’t show up.

I don’t have time for a relationship. Bullshit. I could wedge one in. I just don’t have the balls for one. I finally freed myself of the dregs of a four year, erm, obsession with one of my best friends. Nothing ever happened. I (thought) I was madly in love. Right. Now I’m fucked for life.

I need to start working out if I want to live at the lake this summer. I don’t want to be walking around all flabby this summer. I’ve got an acceptable chest, but I have a little layer of fat over the pecs. I got big nipples. I wish they were smaller. My stomach is okay. It’s not a six pack, but it doesn’t stick out. My arms are so small. I’m not weak by any means, but my arms are small no matter how much I try to build them up.

Hah. I was wrestling John the other day. He was a champ in HS. He was tying his shoe, and I grabbed him backwards around the waist and tried to pull him over (flip him). He resisted, and tried to do the same to me, we both kept bracing and rebracing. Finally, he got the upperhand. He got me on the ground. We grappled a while, but he won. He said I did pretty good for never having any training. He also said I was stronger than I looked. First time anyone’s ever said that.

I didn’t get carded the other night. Surprising. I look 12 after I shave. We were drinking draws, and the waiter suggested some beer. I said I’d try it, and ended up drinking four. The draws? 1.25. The bottles I was drinking? 4.25. Ouch. Justin got all sloppy and drunk, and left a full 20 for an 8 dollar tab. Hah. He was pissed the next day. ::sigh::

If anyone makes it to the end of this, e-mail me and I’ll send you a dollar.

–Tim

You can’t accidently create a handicapped baby whilst smoking pot. - Coldfire

2

That and a few other things you said I know too well.

I’t not easy, especially if those around you don’t understand or don’t have a clue.

Have you thought about seeing someone about this? I have and it’s a hard task to consider, I deal with it everyday. BUT, I am going to go and get treatment.

Do yourself a favor and talk to a doc about this…

3

What fraternity are you a member of? (I didn’t recall seeing it and I just wondered!)

“You don’t have insurance? Well, just have a seat and someone will be with you after you die.” --Yes, another quality sig custom created by Wally!

A Jesusfied sig: Next time I covet thine opinion, I’ll ask for it!

4

Tim,

I can say this for you - I think you are a pretty good writer. I made it to the end (no dollar needed) and I found it all kind of interesting. Sort of like looking in on anothers life. Its ok to be down now and again, just understand life works in cycles and you will be back on top eventually. I also think you should focus more on the good stuff in your life (friends, girls, that car) as opposed to the bad. You know it is true the old cliche - no one decides you are feeling bad but you, and only you can decide to feel better. Truthfully, your desire to be in a commited relationship may be a good thing, but trust me at your age this is one of those “grass is greener” issues. I am sure you know someone with a serious girl who complains about his lack of freedom. Just try to have a good attitude about the things you have. After all, you could be carless, friendless, homeless or worse. Good luck.

5

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You should have a lot of free resources available at college too. There should be a free counselling center available.

You say that you don’t have time for a relationship. This sounds like an excuse to avoid the rejection of asking girls out. Make the time And train yourself to not be bothered by rejection. The way to do this is to set a goal of asking out one girl a week until you have a steady relationship. I guarantee that in a month you will wonder why it bothered you so much. (Hey, it worked for my ex-husband - he had an assignment to talk to 12 women and met me on the third try)
Good luck - I’m pulling for you

6

Tim:

Here is what you have: A car that runs (!), the support system of your frat. The Greek system has never been my cup of tea, but if these guys are your “brothers,” they’ll support you. You’re in college. You know what you want to major in (sort of.) You have available women (ps: movies = date, coffee = possibly just friends). You know what you’re doing this summer, and it sounds great.

What you don’t have is peace. That will come in time.

The last month of school is madness. I walked into work today, and was greeted with “We’ll let her take off her coat before we kill her,” And they were only half joking. I screwed up about 6 things before I left last night, because I am so pre-occupied with school. I’ve been bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I’ll be lucky to pass my statistics class. As I am a perfectionist, that kills me.

The point is, you’re not the only one. But here is what you shouldn’t do: jump into bed with a chick because you want her to solve your emotional problems. It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t sound like you just want sex, but that you want a full blown waking-up-next-to-the-other person relationship. Getting into one now would only cause you to depend on her emotionally, and when you get over this depression, to not really need her anymore. It would be a disaster. Sex, on the other hand, is a totally different animal. As long as you know that’s ALL it is.

You’re being responcible by recognizing that you don’t have the time to devote to a relationship. There are prices to pay for that responcibility. (I know, I’m in the same boat.) But I also know that it wouldn’t be fair to stick any guy with the emotional mess that I am right now. I want someone who likes me for me, not someone who wants to swoop in and solve my problems. Because they are MY problems, and I am the one who ultimately has to fix them, and deal with the repercutions from those actions.

Tim, take a deep breath, imagine you are in the most relaxing, peaceful place imaginable, and repeat what has become my mantra: This too shall pass.

A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:

“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!

7

Woah brother,

You and I are on a level(all except for the depression thing, really, and your physical stature).

I hate dating, hate asking them out. I used to be able to woo them and get into a relationship(which used to work out real well actually), but not anymore. I think it’s maybe because of my size…I’m a big boy, almost 3 hundred pounds(I’m actually lucky to have huge bones and a relatively decent lean body mass).

Why do we say we don’t have time for relationships? I rationalize my behavior the same way sometimes. Then, just like you, I tell myself how much shit I’m full of!

I’m going to mexico on the 18th. I joined a gym so I could look a little better…spent like 5 hun gettin signed up. I was allright for the first week LoL, now I have court stuff, and doctors appointments and stuff, so I’ve had trouble making it…that, and the graveyard shift kinda saps your motivation.

Oh well…today I will make it to the gym for sure :slight_smile: