This isn’t for you, it’s for that buttchomper Hussein. Listen up.
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK.
I know I don’t have the support I’d like to come over there and whomp your sorry ass. But…I hate you. You’re a flaming dickhead, and need a major ass kicking in the worst way.
So, instead of sending my entire military (which I could do, because I’m the Commander-In-Chief of the ass-kickingest military in the known UNIVERSE), I’m just going to send two thugs and an airplane.
The thugs are going to beat you senseless. Kick you in the stomach until you confess to blowing goats. And when they’re done, they’re gonna bend you over, tie your wrists to your ankles, and then run away real fast.
The plane? Yeah, it’s got a smart bomb. And it’s target is RIGHT UP YOUR ASSHOLE.
When will they be there? Oh, I dunno. But…neither do you.
HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m outta here!
Hey Cheney! Let’s go get some beer, man. I’m parched!
In an earlier speech, he was leaning on the podium with one elbow. For the love of God, man, you’re the President of the United States, not a frat boy addressing the newest pledge class. Don’t slouch, especially not when talking about killing people.
Slithering, plopping sound, slight groan.
President shakes his leg and looks down.
Jerks upright with that signature “deer in the headlights” gaze.
“Dammit Condie, My Dick just fell off, what’ll we do now?”
“And please don’t attack us or the Israelis. Can’t we all just get along. Let’s all be nice to each other. We are going to destroy all our weapons because we believe in the goodness of our fellow man.”
Grow up man, its a VERY dangerous world. Humans are violent imperfect creatures. Hopefully this show of force and the 3 minute war that follows will show the world that its time to calm down. Rip us apart verbally all you want, but don’t blow up buildings, especially when your culture doesn’t even allow a woman to walk around without a veil on.
As far as I’m concerned these terrorists are just a bunch of Timothy Mcveigh’s with darker skin. You cannot reason with them except to show them force.
The US has done some despicable things, but we (and the rest of the world) won’t survive unless we show and use our strength.
We all want peace, but goddamn, its dangerous out there.
Actually, he did. He said something about … we can’t risk Iraq giving over biological, chemical or nuke-yoo-lar weapons to terrorist … or somthing like that.
Neither here nor there.
What I wish I had said:
“My fellow Americans … I quit.
The stress is too much.
Al, fuck it, I concede Florida. You feel like taking this puppy home?”
I’m still completely bemused by the “nucular” thing, although one would think I’d have gotten over it by now. I can only assume that nobody in the entire administration has ever dared to say “Excuse me, Mr. President, but it’s ‘nuclear’.”
At least I didn’t compulsively count the instances of “nucular” this time, like I did in the State of the Union.
My favorite part was the “please don’t blow up the oil wells”. Because if you do that, then we no longer have any reason to care about fixing your country up after we bomb the shiat out of it, do we?
Or you know what would really be a hoot? If sometime tomorrow, Saddam called up Bush and said, “Hi! I’m in a non-extradition treaty island country somewhere in the Pacific. I left Iraq just like you said. I’ve got an offshore bank account and I’m going to enjoy retirement. Meanwhile, all those weapons and stuff? You’re right, we had them all along. I left my underlings in charge of them when I left. Have fun!”
Any chance we’ll see Saddam again on South Park? With the way they churn out political episodes, it wouldn’t surprise me for them to have several different ones planned already that they’ll roll out as soon as the bombs start dropping.
And if this war doesn’t make it absolutely clear that violence is not the answer, the only reasonable next step will be to crash the moon into the Earth.
We can do it too, because none of our women are forced to wear veils and, unlike the Iraqis, we have nothing in common with Timothy McVeigh.
