“Birth of A Nation Dress-Up Set. Authorized by Mr. D.W. Griffith. Now your child can ‘re-create’ this epic motion picture with their own ‘Klans-man’ hood and uniform. Only 50 cents.”- 1916 Sears Roebuck Catalogue
“THE EXORCIST™ Action Figures #2039 Regan. Head really spins! Vomits! Voice chip says “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell,” four other phrases. 99 cents. ©Warner Bros. Pictures”- 1973 Toys “R” Us flyer
“THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST™ Crucifixion Playset Your child will have hours of fun recreating the epic climax from the hit movie. Comes with wooden cross, nails, and crown of thorns. Buy this in remembrance of Him! $6.99 ™&©2004 Icon Productions. Used with permission.”- 2004 Sears Wish Book
I was once given, a promotional item of 'There’s Something About Mary, 100% organic hair gel".
Office Space–Red Swingline staplers could be purchased not only in office supply stores but in toy stores as well.
Is that supposed to be camouflage, or the “glow” from lava, or did they attach the glider cape to Vader’s body after his bowels released when he died?
Anyway…
Der Üntergang Führerbunker PlaySet!™ Accurately and intricately detailed in 1/12th scale! Comes with speakers and VoiceChip™ system to work with all compatible Üntergang figures! Plug in the “Dinner Jacket Hitler” figure to hear ten minutes of half-mad syphilitic ravings, in German! Plug the “Wrapped in Gasoline-Soaked Carpet Hitler” into the Action BombCrater to hear real CorpseSizzling Sound FX!™
*Barbie’s™ American Beauty Playhouse!*™
You’re a shallow, bourgois, latent ephebophiliac if you want to buy this toy! So buy it now, goddamnit!
Almost forgot…
Mad Scientist™ brand Guinea Pig: Flower of Flesh and Blood™ kit!
Comes with vats of Living Skin™, Beautiful Blossoming Blood™, one plastic Kama, rotating lighting gel wheel, and Lullaby of Hell™ Karaoke Tape! (Refills, clown white, and chicken sold seperately.)
Due to the popularity of Office Space, Swingline actually started manufacturing red staplers.
Shindler’s List-
Stationery set- The list is life- or your groceries, or just some doodles! It’s all up to you!
Shindler’s list lice removal shampoo- Because sometimes, a shower really is about cleaning and delousing!
Man In The Moon-
Tony Clifton disguise kit-Includes wig, mustache, sunglasses, and salmon tuxedo jacket. Now you too can go so deeply into another persona, people will wonder if you’ve lost your mind.
Official Man In The Moon Record player- Comes with the Mighty Mouse song and a record of The Great Gatsby.
Intergender Wrestling Championship Belt- Because we all know that women are weak. Now you can prove to the world just how inferior they are, and grab their goodies while you’re doing it.
Mal, The Malignant Tumor-Soft and cuddly, squeeze Mal and he says one of five fun things “Die, Kaufmann!” “Psychic surgery? Bwahahaha!” “Hey kid, I want friends! Start smoking!” “I like you kid. You’ve really grown on me.” “I beat chemo, and I didn’t even get a lousy t-shirt.”
Hannibal Lecter Fava Beans – great with liver!
Hannibakl Lecter Chianti. It’s nice!
Fight Club brand Soap – now in single serving size!
Sin City brand “Yellow Bastard” Erectile Dysfunction treatments. “When Viagra just isn’t enough”
Ringu brand Photo Developing
Ringu brand Television Monitors. “So real, you’ll think it’s there!”
Signs brand Baseball Bats “Keep Swinging”
The Grizzlyman™ beanie bear, "Mr. Chocolate."™ Don’t let the lil guy get too hungry!
If all movies were merchandised like Star Wars I could get a The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover lunchbox. But I’d be scared to look and see what might be inside it.
What about when he visits Aunt May in Queens? Not much swinging to be down from row after row of 2 story houses.
Kids would have much more fun with the Buffalo Bill playset, complete with basket and lotion. The Catherine Martin action figure in the well would be simply labeled “it” on the packaging. There would be multiple skins for him to wear, kind of like Barbie’s marketing. “Malibu Buffalo Bill,” “Princess Buffalo Bill,” “Nurse Buffalo Bill,” etc.
It’s no longer a problem, since Aunt May doesn’t live in Queens anymore.
Yet he always seemed to find a way to swing even when she did live there, didn’t he?
And he asked Tony Stark to give him ‘rocket boots’ in the latest issue of ASM, but Tony said ‘no’. (or was that in New Avengers?)
Either way, there’s no need for a Spider-buggy or any other Spider-vehicle. And I’m trying really hard to forget that such a thing ever existed in the first place.
Yes, but does he have a missle-launching glider cape?
The Eraserhead playset, with Half-Formed Mutant Baby and Heat Register with Dancing Worm-Stomping Freak! Watch out for more in Mattell’s David Lynch line!
Don’t forget the cookbook!
“The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover” Cookbook
Heck, while I’m on the subject of cookbooks …
The “Hannibal Lecter” Cookbook!
Don’t forget the “artificial chickens”.
A Sonny Corleone Hot Wheels playset with toll booth and machine gun noise and exploding body parts would be really cool. Abe Vigoda could also do voiceovers for a video game as could Pacino and lots of the other supporting characters.
“In Cold Blood Sausage- now that’s Tru Flavor!” would be cool.
A special edition of the game OPERATION could be marketed in conjunction with TRANSAMERICA.
The Fisher Price CRASH racial tension inner city playset would be cool as well, especially if it came with the boat and a little rubber dolphin.