Fire would work I guess, but a large part of my thinking is wondering how sustainable it would be. The darn spiders aren’t going to stop coming, so how long can I keep the fire burning? I guess I would be safe living on an jumbo jet, but who is going to pay the cost of that?
It would be a pretty horrific existence. Imagine sitting on your safe boat in the middle of the ocean, falling asleep, then waking up to find a couple of spiders that managed to find you crawling down your throat trying to choke you!
I once saw a documentary about spiders the size of dinner plates. I can’t remember where these spiders lived, but I think it was South America. The locals would trap & eat them and said they tasted like crab. Those spiders might skew the numbers.
I still think Antarctica or boat in the middle of the Ocean is your best bet.
But as others have said, you’re going to wipe out the entire spider population as they starve to death on their way to find you, and if you’re out in the middle of the ocean, that means they’re basically all going to drown. This is going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. I say it’s best to just accept your fate, and let 'em swarm you or better yet, put a bullet through your head so you don’t have to suffer much.
Just give Bucketybuck a pogo stick and a flame thrower and he’s good to go.
Slightly more seriously, simply take residence in a South Pole research facility for ~12-months. That should give all the spiders a chance to crawl down to the southern most part of each unattached land mass (Cape Horn, South Africa, etc.). I don’t believe any of the parachuting spiders will give you much trouble—none of those are poisonous as far as I know, and the sporadic small ones that do manage to float in your direction alive can certainly be swatted away. I also doubt the landlubber spiders will find a way to get to the South Pole in anything close to threatening numbers, but you don’t have to wait around and find out the hard way—plus you don’t want to live in the South Pole forever; nor shall you have to. When all the spiders are amassed in the south, just take a plane to some northern location, like Canada, and live there for as long as it takes the spiders to crawl north and approach you. When they get close, fly down to your house in Key Largo and live there until the snowbird spiders get close. Spend the rest of your life as a snowbird, 6-months in the north; 6-months in the south. The spiders will get a good aerobic workout, the birds will love you for providing easy food (prey constantly on the move and easy to pick off), and you’ll be safe without overly disturbing the ecology.
Realize that you may have to return to the South Pole every few years in order to concentrate the spider population once again due to scattering over time. Also realize that the residents of Cape Horn, South Africa and particularly Cape Howe, Australia are not going to be your biggest fans: “thanks for attracting millions of funnel web spiders to my hometown, mate!”
And, also be sure to carry plenty of black widow and brown recluse anti-venom with you as a precaution. One of those buggers could manage to get to you no matter how perfect your avoidance plan.
I recommend finding an isolated place well away from any form of human habitation. Once there wait until the spiders are almost upon you - then we nuke the entire site from orbit.
The spiders wouldn’t accept me as an offering. As I said in post #2, I never kill them. They love me. I am to the spiders what Bette Midler is to the gays.
Salman Rushdie’s still alive, right? While I’m not implying that members of the Islamic faith are anything like spiders, Rushdie is the only person I know who is in a very similar situation.
