What if God was one of us?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My friend and I were thinking about religion, specifically Christianity, and how so many have lost their faith, us included. And we came to the conclusion that no one can relate to Jesus Christ. No one can relate to anyone in the bible and say “wow I went through that… see St. Whats-his-name got through this, and so will I” No it doesn’t work that way because we didn’t live at the time of Christ, and therefore don’t have the same problems as the characters of the bible. Well everyone started to think a year ago that Sept 11 would bring everyone back to religion. Yeah some did, but a lot of people lost their faith even more so than they had before the event… Well we have come to the conclusion that in order to bring people back to the faith, a good approach would be to update the bible and make Jesus Christ into someone everyone can relate to. We also thought it would have been really funny if Mary had given Jesus a really bland name to begin with. So with all these ideas in mind, we decided on what Jesus would be like if he lived in 2002.

So we gave him a whole new look… First of all with the idea that Mary gave him a really bland name, we decided a good name for Jesus would be Glenn Brothers… We’re not sure why but it seems really mainstream, and since Christ has like several other handles, we also decided he could be called Wayne Johnson. Then we were contemplating the identity of Christ… Considering he was a working man, we decided that Glenn would probably work in a normal office building like a bank. And he’d probably wear the same suit like 3 times a week because he wouldn’t want to wash them, or he’d try to conserve water. he was a thoughtful guy afterall… We figured he’d be of normal height… about 6’ and slightly overweight, since the majority of us are… And he’d be really quiet and sit in his little cubicle and not really bother anyone, but he’d always be really polite and shake your hand if you came up to talk to him, and he’d send out little memos over the computers to his co-workers of little quotes or stories to help get them through the day. Then he’d come home to his cat and frozen dinners and look for new stories to post on the next day’s memos… And think of all the ways he could better his situation, like working for shelters or old folks homes and stuff… He’d be an all around good guy that everyone really liked except the jerk boss that didn’t like his endearing memos… And this is where Satan is also mondernized. Yep and we’ve named him Phil. Not sure why on that, and he doesn’t get a last name because Satan doesn’t have a last name. Just good old Phil who gets a good laugh out of screwing over innocent customers and firing people who aren’t even making enough to put food on the table. yeah he’s a real jerk, and he hates the little memos, but for some reason he never fires Glenn, because it’s something to hate every day… It’s something to inspire him to do more wrong… To fire more employees and be rude to customers that hastle him.

Well this is just one theory on what things would be like if Jesus existed in the new Millenium… What are your thoughts or theories on this?

2

this is satyrical for anyone who didn’t catch that. I don’t really think they should update the bible… but i AM curious to know what you think Jesus would be like if he lived today…

3

Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light. :smiley:

I think Jesus would be a longhair pinko radical Jew.

Wait, he really was. :slight_smile:

4

What Would Jesus Do?

Seriously, read it. It’s funny. Unless Jesus related humor offends you, in which case, you probably shouldn’t read it.

5

Had the birth of Jesus been in this way, this is how it might be in this day, and place.

Washington Post, August 8, 2002,

Several noted foreign scientists visiting our locale while studying anomalous astronomic reports were involved in a poignant example of the failures of our social systems this morning. The representatives of three different Mid Eastern universities asked not to be named in this article, and one reported that he would have said nothing if he had known that his involvement would come to the attention of the government.

While traveling to their observatory, the scientists came upon Mrs. Shelim Ashar, who was in labor, in an abandoned panel truck in an alley off of 11th St. in South West Washington. Mrs. Ashar was unable to find more suitable shelter, after she and her husband were unable to provide documentation of their legal immigrant status to DC social services. Mister Ashar was unavailable for comment.

Mrs. Ashar gave birth in the truck, without support or assistance, as the three men looked on. When they attempted to inform a local shelter, located only a few yards away, they were questioned about their own origins, and all three men said that they were quite fearful of the antagonism evidenced when they identified their country of origin. The three men left town shortly after the incident, one of them phoned the DC police, who took Mrs. Ashar and the child into custody.

Mrs. Ashar is not charged with any crime, but she was questioned by immigration authorities to determine her precise status under the law. During the night, Mrs. Ashar and the child disappeared from the offices of the US Immigration Department. It is believed they left the area, and may be trying to meet Mr. Ashar. Authorities say a search will be initiated, under a warrant from the Immigration department.

Hark, the herald angles sing! Glory to the newborn king.

Tris

6

Wow, Genseric, that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen this week. If only things like this really happened, then religion would be a whole lot funnier… And if some priest read these during a sermon I would probably pee my pants… and therefore come back to church everyweek in hopes that church would stay so entertaining.

7

Damn theres a cheesy song with the thread title now stuck in my head. I forget what TV show or movie its from though.

Sorry, carry on.

8

I think Jesus would be confused if he were here today, so he would probably have to seek help from Christians. He’d probably seek help from Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson, since they represent the real Christians. They could advise him on the question, “WWJD”. They could tell him who to hate; who to pretend to love, which piece of pro-rich tax legislation to support, and to oppose any gun controll laws. That’s only for starters, of course.